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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let DP borrow car to visit toxic MIL

58 replies

GarlicMonkey · 06/05/2020 12:15

I feel bad for not letting DP use my car to visit his mother but deep down I think it's the right thing to do. What do you think?

DPs family are toxic. If MIL had had the children in the here & now they would all have been removed, no doubt about it. She's alcohol dependent & has drifted from abusive relationship to abusive relationship her whole life. The children (6 of them) suffered significant neglect & abuse & as adults, all still try to get the love & attention they crave & missed out on as children. A text book example of ambivalent attachments.

MIL recently led a family group attack on me. It's nothing new, happens when it's my turn. It comes in the form of group meet ups (online or in person) where the chosen subject isn't invited & they all sit & basically slag off said chosen subject. The way it then works is that MIL sobers up, blames everyone else & everything is meant to go back to normal. Not this time. I've had enough. I've gone grey rock & I intend staying that way.

DP wanted to go & have an 'over the fence' chit chat with MIL. She's apologised for the recent abuse & he immediately capitulated & said everything is OK blah blah. I basically said that's me done & you don't speak for me. As far as I'm concerned he can do as he pleases with his family, I'd never make him choose, but I'm finished with all & any involvement. For that reason I've said 'no' to my car being borrowed & he's had to make his way there carless (his choice not to have a car BTW as he doesn't need one. We have separate finances & he could afford one if he so chose).

I feel rotten for making DPs life harder but my time, assets, help etc are no longer available to his family. I need to draw a clear line. TBF, I am pissed of with DP. Where's the fucking loyalty? He told them straight, after the abuse, that they could get stuffed & if sides had to be chosen he'd choose me. But he then caves in on the first phone call. It's an improvement on the time before though when I was expected to take it all as a laugh & never mention it. So at least some of what I said was taken on board. We'll see how the future goes but if there isn't another distinct improvement in his display of loyalties, should this happen again, that'll be us done. For now, however, AIBU to say 'no' to anything of mine being used to facilitate visits or help his family in any other way?

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 06/05/2020 12:19

I think you will have shocked him by this, and that's a good thing.

Stick to your guns. When he comes back full of persuasion and how sorry she is, etc., just look at him straight and say 'There will be no more. Like I told you, I'm done. The only question is whether you'll eventually decide who you want to stick up for and where your loyalties lie. That's for you to decide, but I'm telling you now that I won't be staying with someone, long term, who sticks up for someone who shits all over me. Seeing as right now that's all I'm hearing from you, I'll leave this conversation thanks.' And go.

You need to make him see that you mean business. The car is a good start, carry on with it.

Summersunandoranges · 06/05/2020 12:27

He won’t come home and apologise. He’s seeing his mum why should he? He may be pissed off you didn’t lend him the car and I can bet his mother asked him why he wasn’t driving.

I cut mil off about five years ago it was the best thing I did. She liked her booze too and I’d get hate messages at 12:30am Hmm

Life really is too short so really look at if you can be arsed with this forever.

Original poster
GarlicMonkey · 06/05/2020 12:27

Thanks Fizzy, I don't feel like quite so much a cow now. I'm definitely sticking to my guns. As far as I'm concerned they don't exist. Not going to cause arguments or make drama. Just refusing to put coal on the fire.

OP posts:
Original poster
GarlicMonkey · 06/05/2020 12:30

I agree Summer. Life IS too short. All I expect from DP this time is to respect the fact I'm just not interested in them anymore.

OP posts:
Sodamncold · 06/05/2020 12:32

You are being pretty toxic yourself with this behaviour

GabriellaMontez · 06/05/2020 12:32

You have a dh problem. Where is his loyalty?

Original poster
GarlicMonkey · 06/05/2020 12:37

Sticking up for yourself is permitted Sodamncold. I'm not being a doormat or whipping boy any longer. If you think that's being 'toxic' then I'm genuinely worried for you.

OP posts:
Original poster
GarlicMonkey · 06/05/2020 12:39

I do Gabriella, & this is now his last chance.

OP posts:
GoatyGoatyMingeMinge · 06/05/2020 12:45

By all means have nothing to do with her, she sounds awful. But it's unrealistic to demand that he has nothing to do with her. And not letting him use the car does strike me as rather petty to be honest.

Olliephaunt4eyes · 06/05/2020 12:46

I'd be unhappy if my DH told me he was controlling my transport and only letting me use the car if it was for a journey he approved of. It sounds quite controlling to me. I think YABU.

Thehop · 06/05/2020 12:58

I agree with you cutting his family out , but you say in one breath you’ll never ask him to choose and he can be friends with them.

En they this is his last chance to not choose you?

Be really clear about what you want. Your boundaries are your choice and nobody can make them for you.

Apirateslifeforme · 06/05/2020 13:01

Honestly my situation isnt too far from yours. I can understand your stance, and it's similar to mine.

I am not impressed with DH that he glossed over his mothers behaviour towards me, but his relationship with his mother is what it is. He didnt particularly like her anyway.

He can use my car to see his parents, because it's too long to walk, and whilst I wouldn't piss on MIL if she were on fire, I care for DH and i want him to have the relations with his parents he desires.

I know that the times with them will be greatly cut down, holidays will not be spent with them, random lunches and coffees are also not likely because of my lack of involvement

justilou1 · 06/05/2020 13:14

OP is not controlling HIS method of transport. She is controlling HER method of transport. If he wants a car, he can get one and pay for it himself. Otherwise, can get a taxi - and he put his hand in his own pocket for that too.
Good for you OP!

Suzie6789 · 06/05/2020 13:19

I was prepared to say how ridiculous to not let him use your car, but having read your post you are completely justified. Well done for standing your ground on this issue.
For what it’s worth my DH’s family has this supposed ‘arrangement’ everyone bar me has accepted, where a heavy drinker (alcoholic) gets to say what they want when they’re drunk and everyone else is supposed to forget what they say / how awful When they’re sober the next day.

Windyatthebeach · 06/05/2020 13:24

I would be questioning a relationship with a man who wants to see a woman who obviously hated me so much...

saraclara · 06/05/2020 13:26

I'd be unhappy if my DH told me he was controlling my transport and only letting me use the car if it was for a journey he approved of. It sounds quite controlling to me. I think YABU.

Yep. If it was a man saying an OP couldn't use the family car to go to see her mother, because he hates her (justified or not) people would be defending the OP to the hilt. It's controlling behavioour.

GreenTulips · 06/05/2020 13:26

I think you’ve done the right thing.

He won’t stick up for you to see the issue I don’t blame you for putting you’re foot down.

How dare he disrespect you and gloss over the issues and still expect all grace and favours - mother or not

Curiosity101 · 06/05/2020 13:27

I think YANBU with the car. It's not like you're saying he can't visit or that he's not allowed his own car. It reminds me of an alcoholic in a way, you may not physically stop them drinking (not allowing him to visit) but you can disapprove of the drinking (tell him you don't think he should visit) and refuse to buy it for them (not lending the car).

YANBU to want to cut ties and to expect a lot more loyalty from your DH though. I can appreciate it from his perspective as he won't have the same outlook that someone who had a caring upbringing will have. But at the end of the day if he doesn't want to address those issues I can see that you will eventually hit a limit of what you're willing to put up with.

We'll see how the future goes but if there isn't another distinct improvement in his display of loyalties, should this happen again, that'll be us done.

Make sure you explain this to him and that he understands it. Potentially suggest counseling to work on his self-esteem and childhood if you think he might be receptive to it?

Good luck Smile

PoopyPanda · 06/05/2020 13:28

@saraclara it’s not the family car, it’s OP’s car.

Scrumbleton · 06/05/2020 13:29

I would be questioning a relationship with someone who controlled use of the car emotionally. I pay for our family car and wouldn’t dream of saying when Cc and where DP should drive. Agree with your grey rock strategy on everything else.

PoopyPanda · 06/05/2020 13:29

YANBU. You haven’t stopped him from seeing her, but you aren’t required to facilitate it either.

PoopyPanda · 06/05/2020 13:30

It’s not a family car! It’s OP’s car!

OP says they have separate finances and apparently that has suited them up to now. OP doesn’t have to lend her DP her things if she doesn’t want to, especially not to facilitate a relationship with someone who has been vile to her. If her DP is bothered by it, then he needs to get his own car or contribute to running hers!

WhatTiggersDoBest · 06/05/2020 13:33

He's enabling his mother by letting everything be fine every time she half-heartedly says "sorry". Let me guess, she pretends she doesn't remember what happened as soon as she "sobers up"? If her 6 kids (including your DH) are all going along with the slagging off, they are responsible for their behaviour, too. They are adults. Adults don't just say things like that, in an online conversation, unless they are nasty, two-faced people. I wouldn't just be denying him the car, I'd be throwing him out.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 06/05/2020 13:39

If he wants to see them then thats fine..he decides where and when he goes to see his family and how he is going to get there.He leaves you out of it totally.He is a big lad sohe can sort out his own plans including how he is going to get there.I dont see my husbands side of the family,I married him not them and if he wants to see them that is fine.I wave him off and ask no questions. I dont want to know who says what,who does what I dont want to know anything.I just pick up as normal when he gets home pretty much the same as when he goes to work. I encourage him to go and have fun and welcome him back but the stuff in the middle is down to him. It works for us.It could work for you. They didnt like me I didnt care much for them but I do love my dh and if they are important to him and they are then I have to facillitate that relationship by being understanding of his needs and wants with them.And I do.He can do as he pleases gladly with no aggro from me at all.I dont slag them off or anything like that but we are different people and thats that. He says something like I amoff to mums on saturday I might stay over and be back sunday..I reply oh great that will be good for you to see them and spend some time with them,have a good time see you when you get back....he goes when he wants and sorts himself out them comes home .This has worked now for nearly 10years. You need your car for you.Its not been awful so dont feel bad OP.

Apple1029 · 06/05/2020 13:40

I would honestly think of leaving. he has massively let you down, and guaranteed he will continue to do so. hopefully you don't have children together?