To not let DP borrow car to visit toxic MIL

[GarlicMonkey]

I feel bad for not letting DP use my car to visit his mother but deep down I think it's the right thing to do. What do you think?

DPs family are toxic. If MIL had had the children in the here & now they would all have been removed, no doubt about it. She's alcohol dependent & has drifted from abusive relationship to abusive relationship her whole life. The children (6 of them) suffered significant neglect & abuse & as adults, all still try to get the love & attention they crave & missed out on as children. A text book example of ambivalent attachments.

MIL recently led a family group attack on me. It's nothing new, happens when it's my turn. It comes in the form of group meet ups (online or in person) where the chosen subject isn't invited & they all sit & basically slag off said chosen subject. The way it then works is that MIL sobers up, blames everyone else & everything is meant to go back to normal. Not this time. I've had enough. I've gone grey rock & I intend staying that way.

DP wanted to go & have an 'over the fence' chit chat with MIL. She's apologised for the recent abuse & he immediately capitulated & said everything is OK blah blah. I basically said that's me done & you don't speak for me. As far as I'm concerned he can do as he pleases with his family, I'd never make him choose, but I'm finished with all & any involvement. For that reason I've said 'no' to my car being borrowed & he's had to make his way there carless (his choice not to have a car BTW as he doesn't need one. We have separate finances & he could afford one if he so chose).

I feel rotten for making DPs life harder but my time, assets, help etc are no longer available to his family. I need to draw a clear line. TBF, I am pissed of with DP. Where's the fucking loyalty? He told them straight, after the abuse, that they could get stuffed & if sides had to be chosen he'd choose me. But he then caves in on the first phone call. It's an improvement on the time before though when I was expected to take it all as a laugh & never mention it. So at least some of what I said was taken on board. We'll see how the future goes but if there isn't another distinct improvement in his display of loyalties, should this happen again, that'll be us done. For now, however, AIBU to say 'no' to anything of mine being used to facilitate visits or help his family in any other way?

As far as I'm concerned he can do as he pleases with his family, I'd never make him choose, but I'm finished with all & any involvement
It sounds that this is exactly what you are doing. By not let him use your car, you are punishing him, not her.

I had nothing to do with my in-laws for ten years.
I never tried to control dp seeing them though. Not my circus. I can only choose for myself.
Sounds like your husband has as well tbh.

I said leaving because I could never do the separate lives thing. I couldn't wave him off and carry on with a big smile with a big elephant in the room. and never speak about anything bothering us? not to mention all the special occasions doing our separate lives.

YANBU to not speak to her or see her

But you are being unreasonable to dictate that your DP cannot use the car for whatever journey he chooses

The only person you have put out is your DP, you made his day harder, his mum still got to see her son. So aside from making your partner resent you what have you gained?

I went NC with my MIL years ago. She was a vile woman so i understand cutting contact with toxic people but the only person you have hindered here is your DP,

Sounds quite dysfunctional. My husband was NC with his parents and I would never have had anything to do with them. But if he did decide he wanted to, that’s up to him and it would be pretty shit of me to get in the way.
Your parents don’t suddenly become obsolete when you get married. Wives and husbands are very much replaceable, parents are not.

I'd be unhappy if my DH told me he was controlling my transport and only letting me use the car if it was for a journey he approved of. It sounds quite controlling to me. I think YABU.

This.

At the end of the day, its your car so your choice.

But there's something a bit off about saying he can drive it, if the journey is something you approve of.

My mil is a nightmare sometimes. I wouldnt make dps life harder, because he wanted to see.

Especially at the moment.

The only person you have put out is your DP, you made his day harder, his mum still got to see her son. So aside from making your partner resent you what have you gained?

He’s making OPs life difficult by not being supportive or loyal.

His choice, she made the same choice

Your husband should be on your side your his family now and yeah they are but your his wife.
I've had this crap and he always picks them over me even though I've never done anything wrong apart from sticking up for myself in the past when I get attacked for no reason!
They can slag me off but God forbid I talk about them in a bad light he kicks off royally about it so I just now refuse to engage or have a connection with them.
They don't class my kids I had with me ex as anything. To do with them ignore them at Xmas and on birthdays not even a card but buy for the 'real' grandkids it's not right it's disgusting I don't want them at my house again.
I am on your side in this and your doing the right thing Fuck them and his relationship with them

How is he making her life difficult.

She doesnt have to see them and she said he can do as he pleases. Him seeing his mother, isnt making the ops life more difficult.

Do you have DC with him?
I’d be concerned if you do or are planning to they will be subjected to this toxic family.
If there are no DC I’d leave.

Yes technically it is your car but it seems you both can drive it. I think you are being controlling. He can,t drive it as you disaprove. What if the boot was on the other foot?

Not wrong to not want contact, she does sound pretty toxic but she is also his mother.

Yabu about the car

Yanbu. Is DH ever the target or does she always pick in laws or women?

She is his mother, whether you get along with her or not is irrelevant.
He has the right to see her as often as he likes, just as you do with yours.
You are being childish and petty to not let him use the car when you aren't using it.
He's going to see his mum in it, not running county lines!
Stop being so immature.

this is just one small example of how these toxic people will divide you both and cause resentment. there's a lifetime of this. I would leave if I were you. he has betrayed you.

I love how Mumsnet never lets facts get in the way of a good opinion. Arguing about whether the OP is right or wrong in refusing to let her husband borrow her car is irrelevant. Going to have a chat over the fence with his mother is unnecessary travel and he shouldn't be going anyway!

BFWIIW, her husband chooses not to own or pay for a car. So he must be used to using public transport and that has been his choice in other matters, so why is visiting his mother any different? She hasn't banned him from visiting. And I see no reason why she should pander to his family when they have acted in such a nasty and unacceptable way. She has drawn a boundary - you make your own decisions about your relationship with your family, but keep me 100% out of it because your mother is spiteful and toxic. Is she supposed to just keep schtum and pretend it's ok? I think not.

You are being pretty toxic yourself with this behaviour

What nonsense. You're not being toxic, you're just not being accommodating. So many of us are trained from the time we're little to accommodate others so their comfort and happiness goes above our own. OP has had enough and disengaged. If she was posting dogshit through the door of MIL's house, she'd be toxic. If she was sending MIL hate texts, she'd be toxic, If she was hosting I HATE MIL parties on Zoom, she'd be toxic. Walking away from someone who has treated you like shit is the least toxic behaviour I can imagine - it simply removes their toxic behaviour from your life and ensures you don't sink to anything beneath you.

OP I've gone VLC with my MIL. Obviously she's unhappy with this and I'm wrong, evil, the very devil himself etc, but actually I'm glad I did. I don't concern myself with her comfort or happiness, I don't facilitate her life and I don't engage. DH still has contact - she speaks to the DC occasionally and I wouldn't wish harm upon her. I just refuse to allow other people's shitty behaviour to determine my happiness levels, and for many, many people that level of self-preservation gets their hackles up.

You're absolutely right to cut all contact with this horrible woman, OP, but I think it's mean, petty and controlling to deny your DP use of the car.

Slightly confused, How do you know you were the chosen target of attack. Were you there?

Answers to questions:

*We're middle aged so there will be no children. Been there, done that, it's our time now.
*We live in our own adjacent houses (owned outright individually. Neither has helped to buy the other).
*We will likely move in together when my teenage kids have left home. His are long gone.
*We're more or less equal financially (comfortable).
*We have a joint account that we both put a few hundred £ in each month but that's just for things we do together (trips out, meals out, holidays, boat maintenance as we bought it 50/50. You get the idea). Apart from that all financial matters & purchases are separate.
*My car is very much mine. He doesn't just grab the keys, jump in & use it as & when.
*We're both very independent & like our own space but share an all consuming hobby, love travelling together, have a fab friendship & fancy each other like mad. This family issue is the only fly in the ointment of what otherwise is a great later life relationship that suits us both down to the ground.

Update: he's back, not sulking, not angry & the day is progressing as planned. I haven't asked about his visit & he hasn't offered any info either. Fingers crossed it stays this way.

You are absolutely right - he does not get to use your car!! Bloody cheek even asking you - he should show some respect - how dare he even ask that it the first place!

Why are some people not getting this? It isn’t THE family car - it is HER car. She has every right to say who uses it!!

If DP wants to use HIS money to fund a car for HIMSELF then he can absolutely use it to go and see whoever he wants but to borrow a car from his partner to go and visit the person that has slagged his partner off, which means his partner is effectively funding that journey (wear and tear and mileage on the car even IF he puts petrol in it) is absolutely out of line!

If someone even dared to ask this of me - they’d get told exactly where to get off!!

OP you are totally in the right here not to let him anywhere near your car!

Let him use the car stop being so prideful, maybe have a discussion about it and leave the emotions to the wayside.

Considering they don’t live together, his a dp not dh and it’s separate finances. It’s 100% ops car not a joint car that the family use. It’s the equivalent of a friend just expecting to borrow it whenever they want. Op said no.

The thing is, by confiscating the car to see his family, you have given them ammunition against you & put your partner offside, so he will be more likely to listen to their poisonous opinions about you. The best thing you can do is just be supportive & be there for him. His inner child will still be craving his mother’s love & affection. It’s playing a dangerous game to forcefully make him choose, he needs to see them for how they are, come to his own realisation of this. Pitting you against her is not a good game to play. I agree he should be on your side, but if he has the both of you bitching about each other he would feel in the middle & conflicted. If you don’t force him to choose he may well choose you, because he is more likely to come to the same conclusion about her that you have.

confiscate?? Really?

The op owns the car. Its hers. They live separately.