To complain about this policeman?

[shabbi]

Okay, short backstory.

Ex has been a continuous nightmare. He's been arrested multiple times, eventually charged with harassment.
Arrested again and bailed.

We moved to this house so he wouldn't know where we lived (he was turning up at the last one).
He then moved in with estranged family two minutes away a few weeks later.

Yesterday, he saw us as I was playing with our little boy.
He didn't approach us, he went up onto the nearby high path staring at us.

We live very close to there and could see him hovering so took a detour home, but could see him for twenty minutes pacing back and forth in the same spot looking directly at our house and watching for us.
In my head, he's clearly desperately trying to find out where we live and I found that ridiculously scary last night.

Anyway, I just rang the police helpline for advice especially with an ongoing investigation after him already being charged, and the man I spoke to was awful.
He could've politely told me there's nothing they could do about it and sympathised but he continuously interrupted me scoffing and saying "well, he's hardly outside your house, is he? What do you expect us to do?"

He was really patronising and made me feel so stupid. He wasn't outside my house because he doesn't know where we live (after we had to quickly move for our own safety), so I find it very alarming how desperately he's trying to find out.

Anyway, should I complain? I'm in two minds. I felt so put down when I was already completely panicked visibly watching that situation, but I don't want to be patronised again and be told essentially he was right and to suck it up.

oh and there is a stalking helpline called Paladin. google and they will advise you too.

the person you spoke too gets this everyday so maybe they have not quite grasped the full picture - ask to speak to officer in charge of case and tell them. did you get an incident number from the call to 101?

Thank you for everyone's replies.

Just for update, I spoke to another officer this morning who did confirm that there isn't much they can do in this instance however alarming it was but she explained it really well, was really understanding of my circumstances and was really empathetic.

So both told me there's nothing they can really do, but the conversations were completely different which says it all to me.

The conversation with the man yesterday evening left me feeling really patronised and dismissed and the conversation this morning was really supportive and I felt understood.

I had this when my abusive ex was stood outside my kids school at home time. Was told they couldn't do anything because it's a free country but if he attempted to "take" the children then I should call back as that would be illegal

Same tone they took with me, mocking, like I was an idiot.

I do think you should complain but I doubt you'll get anywhere sadly

The problem with the court order regarding your address is that it will need to state the address which means he knows where you live and kind of defeats the point of moving.

Ask to speak to a domestic violence officer, imagine the range of queries a police officer or civilian would deal with in an average day.They have little expertise and it's dangerous, in your situation,to expect them to have any. Women's Aid will also offer support and assistance with the police contact.

What @fuckinghellthisshit said. This is stalking and should be treated as such.
Telephone Paladin for specialist advice - this is something that needs to be recorded and dealt with appropriately.

@shabbi

I’m glad you had a better experience with the police this morning.

I was just going to say that this is stalking. As pp has said you need to make a new complaint of stalking against this man. Start a diary starting with this incident.

OP not to alarm you but would he recognise your car on the drive if you still have the same one from when you were together?
Are you in a position to install CCTV?

Hope he stops his stalking behaviour.

@shabbi - you have nailed it with your last post - same message, but delivered entirely differently.

Definitely write in - but make sure you also mention the one you spoke to who was lovely.

Say in your letter how each made you feel. It will be dealt with. I fully support getting to grips with the bad apples, but all too often people don’t recognise when it has gone well, and don’t write in to say well done.

I work for the police.

I agree with the police officer. He was stood near the place he is now living. He didn't attempt to follow you or try to speak to you and he doesn't even know he was so close to your home. He didn't do anything.

Obviously i don't agree if he was rude to you! He should not have been. Meant that they probably cannot do anything about that instance.

His behaviour sounds pretty inexcusable, but was he may be saying in response to your request for help. Something like the below.

"Are you able to do anything about this?"

"Well, he's hardly standing outside your house, so unfortunately not."

Complain.

There's a HUGE culture problem in the police which essentially ignores female victims of DV, dismisses their concerns and allows men to go on the beat and murder them. I'm sure the police defenders will pop on soon enough to rubbish that claim but there's been enough surveys, inquests, inquiries and trials which show that what I'm saying is true.

One way to crush this misogynistic culture is to complain, have it on record. I'm sorry you've been treated this way, it's appalling and I hope you can stay safe

After reading your updates OP I would say yes make a complaint about this call takers attitude.
Request a reference no for your complaint, long no with date and time logged etc.
I am far from being anti police.
Every time I have ring the police, related to work, I can honestly say they polite and professional, both police officers and civilian call takers.
In my area a woman is killed weekly by a disgruntled ex partner, and police officers are well trained to deal with DV.
Best of luck.

@randomguy12 well I hope you’re never afraid and have to deal with someone “having a bad day”. And I’m not even being sarcastic. You’re abusive stalker ex turns up and your fobbed off, that’s fine though, right? Maybe the person was a bit stressed. Never mind!