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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be fuming at this tirade of messages from my mother?

44 replies

Lizzie523 · 06/05/2020 00:13

To give some background, my mother and I had a rocky relationship when I was a child as she was an alcoholic. A high functioning one in a decent job but it made miserable.

I'm late 20s now and our relationship is fairly good and she has been alcohol free for a year. I will say she is single and codependent which I struggle with but just keep the boundaries. We talk pretty much every day since the pandemic started and send care packages etc.

Tonight she contacted me on WhatsApp and asked why I had turned my read receipts off. When I didnt reply she said I was selfish and other people matter apart from you! You have a bad attitude! She followd it up with about 10 more messages saying how upset she was to be ignored. And that she had seen me online so why havent you replied! Lots of messages all like this. This is BIZARRRE.

The only explanation I can think of is that she has fallen off the wagon. I finally replied saying I dont have an attitude and I dont appreciate the tirade, we are all doing our best to get by etc. She replied 'all I have done is love you, I dont appreciate your attitude!'

I mean what is this?? It is a pandemic. I am trying to keep my job and mental health afloat and she is picking a major fight?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lizzie523 · 06/05/2020 00:17

I would appreciate some advice on how to word a message to her/deal with this because I dont want to fall out but I personally feel this is a form of abuse, however small.

My mental health has not been doing so well, which she knows.

OP posts:
Aardvarkitsabloodyaardvark · 06/05/2020 00:20

Sorry it does sound like a relapse to me. I hope she sees sense and is suitably apologetic.

MissConductUS · 06/05/2020 00:20

Speaking as a recovering alcoholic myself, she sounds like what we sometimes call a "dry drunk" - she might have stopped drinking, but she has not made the psychological adjustments needed to be truly sober. You are now her new drug of choice, and she's using and abusing you instead of drink.

Or she might actually have relapsed and be drinking again. Either way, it's not your circus, not your monkeys. Send her one last message and tell her that you're going no contact for a week as she seems intent on generating conflict and that you have other things to do than constantly monitor for any possible messages from her.

Sorry you're going through this with her. Flowers

BadgertheBodger · 06/05/2020 00:21

To be honest I would mute/block her for tonight and see if she apologises tomorrow. If she has fallen off the wagon you won’t get any sense tonight and sometimes it’s better to cool off for a few days than send a message in haste. It’s very hard to deal with a family member who is like this, so I think you’re doing well to keep boundaries and not engage with drama. She’s spoiling for a fight - it doesn’t mean you have to give her one. Try and get some rest and see how you feel tomorrow

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 06/05/2020 00:21

That sounds really unpleasant and stressful, @Lizzie523. She is probably stressed by the current situation too, but that doesn’t make it OK for her to subject you to a tirade like that.

Have you got someone there with you, or someone you could ring?

Sending you a virtual {{{hug}}}

PlanDeRaccordement · 06/05/2020 00:24

I would simply message her that you will call her in the morning as it’s too late for a conversation now.
Then tomorrow call and talk to her. Don’t apologise. Just say the messaging she sent was bizarre and ask her what is going on with her to accuse you of such things out of the blue. Let her know that you don’t answer messages all the time right away as you have your hands full. That she needs to respect that you may not get back to her for hours but you will reply.

Original poster
Lizzie523 · 06/05/2020 00:26

No one here to hug sadly, I'm alone!

I am expecting apology tomorrow. If I dont get one, I think I will have to say I can only ascertain she has relapsed. I am here to support her but not be the recipient of abuse.

I had just got myself into a nice calming mood after yoga as I am.having trouble sleeping. Grr.

OP posts:
ChandlerIsTheBestFriend · 06/05/2020 00:26

I thought a relapse too.

Either way OP. You don’t respond to someone who is in that frame of mind. It’s entirely pointless. They aren’t speaking to you to get answers or explanations- they are speaking to you as a vent of what is in their head. The answers aren’t important. You wait until her current state of mind has subsided then you ask her if everything is ok and tell her how her tirade made you feel. But only when she is behaving normally again. Before that point she won’t be receptive to anything you have to say. So don’t contact her until you are sure it has passed. If she has relapsed that may mean waiting months.

abstractprojection · 06/05/2020 01:22

Send her an email that you’re going through a really tough time right now (make up some shit if need be but don’t make it about her) and that you’re taking a break from apps and social media as it’s too stressful for you at the moment. But your happy to do emails

TheMaddHugger · 06/05/2020 01:26

Soft (((((((Madd Hugs))))) @Lizzie523🌻

Holothane · 06/05/2020 01:31

Hugs lots of them, if she doesn’t apologise block for a bit, you don’t need this crap in your life you’ve had it growing up, she needs to sort herself out.

InThisMultiverse · 06/05/2020 02:06

It’s often best not to engage with a person on their own hostile terms or answer a fool according to his folly. If she apologises or when seems to be in a better frame of mind it might be time to enforce a simple boundary, namely to let her know that you have the right to read a message and not respond immediately or to read it when you choose.

Derbee · 06/05/2020 04:09

“I can only assume you’ve been drinking, so I won’t be engaging further”

Nancydrawn · 06/05/2020 05:02

I wouldn't tell her anything about needing to get off social media because of problems--this will add fuel to her drama.

I would just stay quiet for tonight and try to get back to that place where you were before.

If she apologizes tomorrow, you can take it slowly, though I'd turn it down a couple notches--perhaps call every other day or every three days.

But if you ascertain that she's fallen off the wagon, you have to ask yourself what boundaries you feel most comfortable in and stick to them.

Reginabambina · 06/05/2020 05:05

My mother was similar to yours. I eventually just ignored her mostly. I’m not sure there’s much you can do with these kinds of people really.

browzingss · 06/05/2020 05:11

Definitely mute the chat

BelfryBat · 06/05/2020 05:22

Does she suffer from anxiety?

Wellhiyahun · 06/05/2020 06:32

Pop over to the relationships board and find the stately homes thread - you’ll find a lot of advice specially for your situation

Original poster
Lizzie523 · 06/05/2020 13:33

I've heard nothing further from her. Which makes me think that perhaps she isnt going to apologise.

I think bringing up the alcohol might inflame the situation further. The only thing I can do is ask what is going on and if she maintains the same attitude I dont want I can do?

I find it very upsetting that she is behaving like this at such a hard time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lizzie523 · 06/05/2020 14:50

She sent an email saying she is 'not well today' and that she is sorry. I am assuming this is her way of saying that she is deathly hungover...I am sad that she has fallen off the wagon.

OP posts:
MissConductUS · 06/05/2020 15:38

I think a lot of people who are recently sober are probably relapsing in lockdown. It takes quite a while to learn how to live without drink and this has been so stressful and disruptive for everyone.

That doesn't excuse her behavior or make it fair to you Lizzie.

Original poster
Lizzie523 · 06/05/2020 17:52

I asked if she'd fallen off the wagon and she didn't confirm/deny. She replied saying she didnt feel like talking to anyone and would be in touch in the near future.

Very out of character. I wish she had at least confirmed feeling unwell wasnt potentially virus related.

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 06/05/2020 17:58

You say your mental health is not so good. Time to stop parenting your mother. Step right back now she's drinking again secretly and has started attacking you again.

Original poster
Lizzie523 · 06/05/2020 18:04

Thanks TorkTorkBam. No it isn't and I have been taking steps to rectify that. As I say, I had just finished a soothing yoga session when she sent the tirade.

Last time this happened was 6 months ago. It's very upsetting, could hardly eat my breakfast this morning.

OP posts:
Lougle · 06/05/2020 18:21

'Tonight she contacted me on WhatsApp and asked why I had turned my read receipts off. When I didnt reply she said I was selfish and other people matter apart from you! You have a bad attitude!'

@Lizzie523 did you not reply purposefully, or had you just not had time to reply? Is there a reason why you turned off read receipts?

I'm just trying to work out why such a small thing turned into a big issue.