To be fuming at this tirade of messages from my mother?

[Lizzie523]

To give some background, my mother and I had a rocky relationship when I was a child as she was an alcoholic. A high functioning one in a decent job but it made miserable.

I'm late 20s now and our relationship is fairly good and she has been alcohol free for a year. I will say she is single and codependent which I struggle with but just keep the boundaries. We talk pretty much every day since the pandemic started and send care packages etc.

Tonight she contacted me on WhatsApp and asked why I had turned my read receipts off. When I didnt reply she said I was selfish and other people matter apart from you! You have a bad attitude! She followd it up with about 10 more messages saying how upset she was to be ignored. And that she had seen me online so why havent you replied! Lots of messages all like this. This is BIZARRRE.

The only explanation I can think of is that she has fallen off the wagon. I finally replied saying I dont have an attitude and I dont appreciate the tirade, we are all doing our best to get by etc. She replied 'all I have done is love you, I dont appreciate your attitude!'

I mean what is this?? It is a pandemic. I am trying to keep my job and mental health afloat and she is picking a major fight?

She has been contacting me multiple times every day since lockdown began. The last message was about something the cat had done. I had not replied yet, after 12 hours maybe? I have lots of messages to reply to, to friends and family, and I refuse to be plugged in to the phone 24/7.

Yes there is a reason I turned off read receipts & has nothing to do with her. She actually said 'please turn them back on' and I said no and on and it went.

OP, you need to prioritise your MH.

You will never have good MH if you continue your need to parent your mother.

You are on a road to nowhere.

Back away and mind yourself.

If you can speak to a friend or source online support, do.

But leave your mother to her life choices, and focus on self care.

I see now. It sounds like she's very anxious and using your messages to get by, but her messages are causing you as much anxiety. I hope things calm down for you.

It would be perfectly OK for you to send her a message saying "Your behaviour is upsetting me so I am taking a break from you for the next few daya."

Then you block her on all media for at least 5 days.

It is important to block not mute. You must not even have the option to see her messages: they plummet into the void.

Especially after what she has said about not feeling like talking to any one, what torkTorkBam said is probably quite reasonable, if it's what you want to do.

I sent her a message saying take care, then she emailed saying she was sending a large package.

The package arrived and it is a HUGE toaster. I have a toaster. A nice, small toaster that fits in my small kitchen.

I have never said I have a toaster problem so why did she send it? I'm so bloody annoyed now because I dont have loads of space to store large items I dont need, what is she playing at?

Return the toaster. Don’t use it. If you can’t return it send it to her. Or sell it.

Of course now if I say I dont want or need this 'gift' I'll be accused of being ungrateful. I'm definitely not replying anymore for a good few days.

Why send me something I dont need? Without even a discussion? I find it so odd.

It is odd but she’s an alcoholic so not all behaviour is rational or follows any normal sense of logic. Don’t waste any energy trying to understand it.

Toaster aggression. It is odd, but is possibly a response to the thought "what can I do at this time to make Lizzie -feel bad - realise that I'm wonderful really". Or possibly she drunk online ordered a toaster.

Either way, yes, it is perfectly reasonable to be nonplussed and not in the least bit ungrateful to not use it.

sorry I tried to use the strike through thing and messed up.

Oh I am honestly so sad about this. She had made such progress! She wasn't drinking when I visited for past 6 months & was doing a hobby she enjoyed. She has been seeing an addiction counsellor tho not since coronavirus started.

I think she may well have ordered a toaster while drunk. Either way, I'm not using it.

Op, I think you had a name change fail. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this right now. Take care of yourself.

I did! I have 2 accounts because for ages i forgot the password on the one I started this thread for & have since remembered it.

Reluctant to let go of the other one as I'm on different long standing threads for each...

Another odd thing she does is books holidays and asks me to join her. Then when I get annoyed and ask why she would do that without consulting me, she always says 'oh it's no problem, I can always cancel...'. But that's not the point, is it? Another weird thing.

So what if she calls you ungrateful?

Her words are not reality.

Send it back.

Is she paranoid? What work has she done to recover and maintain her urges?

Gift means she feels guilty. Although, people like to think alcoholics dont have feelings, but they very much do. They're unable to express feelings. In saying that, drink will always go above guilt. Therefore, she may have relapsed.

Have you any support? Did you receive any support when your mum was drinking?

She is setting you up to be the bad guy. My mum used to do that when I was detaching. I wasn't giving her ammunition so she made her own.

The toaster, the holidays, the moaning about texting. All classic creating a problem to plant herself firmly front and centre of your mind and then beat you with words.

My mum stopped doing it when I made a big show of being not bothered. I used to return things but then she sent things that were bloody awkward and expensive to return (a fecking enormous toaster would have been right up her street) so then I started giving them to charity. I deliberately minimised the number of hours any item spent in my house or request went undenied. Nope it is not taking up my headspace: eject with urgency.

Have you had any counselling for being the child of an alcoholic, OP? Have ever tried out Al Anon?