to give up on potty training?

[msflibble]

DS just turned 3 in March. When lockdown started we decided to start potty training as he'd been showing some signs of being ready - grabbing at his wet nappy, telling us he'd pooed etc. So we decided to give it a go.

His sister trained basically instantly at age 2 and a half, so I suppose I had unrealistic expectations, but... holy shit! I am so tired of cleaning up wee. He never realises he has to go until he has significantly wet his pants first. Then he hurries to the bathroom, struggles to get his trousers off, pees a bit more on the floor, and then finally squirts the last remnants into the bowl, proudly announces he did a weewee in the toilet, and waits expectantly for thunderous applause.

He's pooing a bit in the toilet too, so he's halfway there, but he often doesn't seem to care if he soils himself, if he's busy or outdoors. I'm just at a loss. He's still not very verbal so doesn't absorb pleas to let us know when he needs to pee, or requests that he head to the loo before he starts to relieve himself. It's got to the stage where I can smell wee everywhere, I'm not sure if it's real or just psychosis brought on by extreme frustration.. It would feel like such a step back to put him in nappies, but I'm seriously beginning to consider it. He is still in nappies at night, so we've got plenty in the house. I just can't face cleaning up any more urine today.

WWYD? Has anyone experienced similar? Is he just not ready? Or am I doing this wrong? We don't use rewards or a sticker chart or anything like that. Maybe that's the way to go? Have a points system and deduct points for wet pants and puddles, award them for getting it all in the loo? He's so away with the fairies though I'm not sure he'd even care or get what the points were for. Any advice/similar experience would be greatly welcomed. Cheers in advance!

I'd go heavy on the praise and reward - definitely a sticker chart with a very wanted toy when he's completed it?

That said, do you feel lockdown is a good time to start this? Its a weird and unsettling time for all of us and I've heard stories from various friends about DC regressing during the lockdown period.

Difficult though, as not being able to go anywhere does in some ways make it easier.

What do you think?

Have you tried keeping him bare on the bottom half?

He's not bothered about lockdown at all from what I can see. He was going through a tough stage for a while but all this time at home with mum and dad seems to have cheered him up. He's generally a cheerful little soul anyway, very much in his own little world... He does enjoy the praise though. Maybe I should do the sticker chart thing.

You could be describing my DS, who was 3 in January. We just stopped; I felt he just wasn't ready.

We tried again last month and he got it straight away. Two accidents in the first 3 days and has been dry ever since.

So based on my experience I'd say give it a break and try again in a few weeks

I'd recommend praise but not reward, rewards can lead to withholding and regression a bit later on. As can 'punishment' with point reduction etc. (I'm not sayings always, it can work for some, but I've seen a lot that have had issues)

Time consuming, but a timer for every half hour - means a visit to the toilet? Having some books in there for distraction, a chart with fun stickers for weed and poos (again, I wouldn't deduct or have a prize of any sort, just the 'sticking on the chart')
A potty in the main play area, so there is less of a journey? Then progressing further to the toilet as that's mastered?

@TingTastic I haven't tried it in a sustained way, no... Whenever he is bare though, for whatever reason, the pee just goes directly on the floor. So I put on the pants and trousers partly in the hope that he'll be bothered by soiling and partly as a first line of defence, as it were.

Do you also have a toilet/potty downstairs for when he realises that he needs a wee too late to get upstairs?

I'd also recommend that he just wears shorts/trousers and no underwear for now as the sensation of wearing pants is too much like having a nappy on.

Also though, if you're thinking he's not quite ready, I would take a break. If he still wants to use the toilet during the break great, but not making it a priority might help.

Wait a couple of months, pick a nice, sustained hot spell and spend it outside with him bare below. If you have a downstairs loo by the back door, take him on a detour there every time he comes in the house. It's much easier to cope with accidents when they're outside and minimal washing and cleaning is generated, plus he'll have much more awareness of what his body is doing.

His father, if available, should model how to use the loo without sprinkling urine everywhere. It will be intense for a week or so and you'll have your own lockdown regardless of what the rest of the world is doing! It will be worth it, though. Good luck!

Sorry to say but I don’t think a 3 year old is “not ready”- it’s just same take longer than others. No good can come of regressing and sending the message that he doesn’t need to use the potty.
The book OH CRAP is fantastic; I read about it on mn and it trained my 2.4yr old without a wk.
The premise is naked whilst training with a potty near by, watch for the cues that he needs to go. Build up to clothes without pants and then finally pants.

Yes, I'd wait too. I have two ds, I think with both of them, but certainly the younger one, we tried around aged 3 ish, not very successfully so left if for a few months and he was potty trained within a week or two the second time around. It just clicked with him.

I’d wait. My older boy just wasn’t ready at 3. We tried and it was pointless. About 8 months later we tried again. Done in less than a week.

Thank God for this thread! My ds is 3 next month and potty training is going terribly. I've felt terrible as everyone keeps making out like he should be dry through the day now (dreading him returning to nursery if he hasn't cracked it!). It is reassuring to hear success stories at the age of 3 and over! Fwiw OP, my son won't do ANYTHING on the potty or toilet - he just sits there and expects praise. He does know he is meant to wee but apparently that's "yucky". It's really stressing me out!

I waited til they were telling me and showing me. We tried with DS14 when he was just past two and a half - he got it really quickly and within a week or so was dry. DS9 took til he was just past 3 but also did it quickly. We did it when we had good weather so they could potter about in just pants and had a potty in the room with them. Suggestions "shall we try for a wee" went a little way but to be honest it was more them leading the way than me.

I'm probably going to be shot down in flames but chasing a small person around the house every thirty minutes shouting "lets try" would kill me off. I would go back to nappies and let him try again in a month or so.

Nobody asks you in your University and job interviews "when did you get dry" because once it happens it's never given a moment's thought. It makes no difference if it's two and a half or three and a half and I do not believe in forcing something that children aren't ready for.

Honestly I would persist at age 3, some just take longer to get it than others. I remember feeling like I was so sick of wet socks, pants and undies, but you’re right nappies would be a step back.
Do you have a potty downstairs that would help him with the speed aspect?

You're all lovely, thanks for all the suggestions so far!

Right - so I suppose I'll try for another week or two, a few days bare bum and a few days just trousers, no pants, see which one works best. A sticker chart to keep him engaged and amused, but no rewards or taking off points. We live in an apartment on the ground floor so the toilet isn't ever far away, bathroom is located smack bang in the middle of the flat, so I don't think a potty is necessary. And if none of this works, I'll just put him back in nappies and try again in July I suppose!

Any more tips greatly appreciated by the way.

@KatnissK btw hang in there - I feel your pain

Don't give up, try shorts or just pants or even nothing on the bottom half, constantly ask him where do wees and poos go until he responds potty, keep asking if he needs a wee every ten minuites, keep the potty in the same room at all times until he gets the hang of it then you can move it to the bathroom etc. I'm in the middle of training my almost three year old with speech delay however we are slowly but surely getting there so don't give up he will get there! When my son goes to the potty I give a massive enthusiastic Well done !! Wash hands and high fives all round haha!

I'd also recommend the book Oh Crap. There's also a specific chapter about what to do if potty training hasn't worked for you previously, and unpicking any unhelpful habits that might have been picked up in the past. It then gives clear steps and different stages to aim for.

A potty is necessary - you need something right there next to him, that you can shove underneath him the second he starts to wee, so he immediately experiences success and praise. Continuing to let him wet himself on the way to the loo means he's going to constantly get it wrong, which is just upsetting for all concerned.

That being said, if he's experiencing speech delays at age 3, it's possible he might be experiencing delays in other areas too, and actually it might be longer before he's ready to be potty trained. Have you seen anyone regarding his speech issues? If he's under the speech and language team, they may have some suggestions to aid in potty training, such as developing his signing, or use of PECS symbols. Rewards might also be something that's more necessary.

Don't give up. With all three of mine (one is going through it right now), I just took nappies away. My 1st and 3rd took a week or so, actually 3rd is taking a little longer. My 2nd has never ever had an accident, and she was 20 months when I did it.
I didn't bother with potties because I hate emptying them, except my number 3 has one for outdoors now as we're nearly always in the garden and don't have a downstairs loo.
He is ready, just not that bothered. I wouldn't do charts and stickers, mostly because I think they need to train for them, not for a reward. But then I didn't introduce any kind if chart or reward for anything until they were school age.
Keep at it. You're nearly there.

My eldest (a boy) trained like text book. Few days and he never had an accident. But he was close to age 3. We always used the actual toilet, never a potty and he was very reliable.

My youngest (girl) we’ve been potty training on and off for a while as she’s been interested for a year and I think she’s finally grasped it (shes 2.5) but she had to be naked and the potty right there. Any clothes and she’d instantly wet them. Once we got the naked and able to run for the potty which is only a few feet away cracked, then I added clothes. But she could only wear loose bottoms like pjs or joggers. And I moved the potty to the bathroom. After a few weeks of that we added underwear. I’d say she’s averaging one accident a day where she doesn’t make it in time and it’s been 6 weeks so I’m pretty happy with her progress. But it was a big shock to the system after my DS who trained so easily.

To be honest lockdown has massively helped with it. Having no where to go means I could really focus on being completely nappy free (we use still for nap and overnight. Not doing that to myself any time soon) and not worry about having to take lots of changes of clothes out and about and wet car seats or buggies. Maybe in real life I would’ve waited another few months, but I’m glad it seems to be done now

However every child is different. If you think it’s not working and it’s stressing you out then just wait a bit.

My point was that I was very much “we don’t need a potty or her naked” as my DS figured out underwear and the proper toilet immediately. However that didn’t work for her and she needed to be naked with a potty a foot away

Hiya mine was 3 yesterday. He would not be able to take himself to the bathroom, take trousers and pants down and clamber up onto the toilet to go.
He's still in nappies. Every 30-40 minutes I have been taking him to sit on the toilet. He started asking to go today but I take him and do everything apart from the actual weeing obvs.
I would stop for a while if it's causing you stress.

thanks for all the tips. I'll definitely buy the "Oh Crap" book. I've found books so helpful for a lot of stuff.

So sounds like I should get a potty then... I do hate them, but oh well.

@sar302 he does have speech delays, but I put it largely down to the fact that he's learning both English and German (we live in Germany) so neither is going as fast as it could. However it's something to look into.. I often think he's very in his own world. He can just play happily by himself with a piece of string, or talking to himself in a mirror. At Christmas we found him in the living room playing hide and seek with himself. It's lovely but sometimes I wonder how completely normal he is!

Personally I'd leave it a while. You can spend ages training him, cleaning up accidents and getting frustrated, and taking a few weeks to sort it....or you can wait a couple of months when its loads easier on both of you. I do think they have to be able to verbalise that they need to go soon for them to be properly ready. I know a few children who couldn't quite get it til they were 3 and they all got there in the end when they were ready