to give up on potty training?

[msflibble]

DS just turned 3 in March. When lockdown started we decided to start potty training as he'd been showing some signs of being ready - grabbing at his wet nappy, telling us he'd pooed etc. So we decided to give it a go.

His sister trained basically instantly at age 2 and a half, so I suppose I had unrealistic expectations, but... holy shit! I am so tired of cleaning up wee. He never realises he has to go until he has significantly wet his pants first. Then he hurries to the bathroom, struggles to get his trousers off, pees a bit more on the floor, and then finally squirts the last remnants into the bowl, proudly announces he did a weewee in the toilet, and waits expectantly for thunderous applause.

He's pooing a bit in the toilet too, so he's halfway there, but he often doesn't seem to care if he soils himself, if he's busy or outdoors. I'm just at a loss. He's still not very verbal so doesn't absorb pleas to let us know when he needs to pee, or requests that he head to the loo before he starts to relieve himself. It's got to the stage where I can smell wee everywhere, I'm not sure if it's real or just psychosis brought on by extreme frustration.. It would feel like such a step back to put him in nappies, but I'm seriously beginning to consider it. He is still in nappies at night, so we've got plenty in the house. I just can't face cleaning up any more urine today.

WWYD? Has anyone experienced similar? Is he just not ready? Or am I doing this wrong? We don't use rewards or a sticker chart or anything like that. Maybe that's the way to go? Have a points system and deduct points for wet pants and puddles, award them for getting it all in the loo? He's so away with the fairies though I'm not sure he'd even care or get what the points were for. Any advice/similar experience would be greatly welcomed. Cheers in advance!

YY, agree with ooh.

All my baby group seemed to start training earlier than us. We gave it a couple of tries but it was clearly not going anywhere. Then we bribed her unashamedly when she was at a receptive stage. The whole process took maybe a month for her to be dry during the day, and then she refused nappies at night a few days later. She's only twice had a poo accident and maybe 5--6 wees in that time.

Virtually everyone who started training earlier is still grimly going for it.

I've no idea whether we were just lucky or whether they really do respond better to not being pushed and coerced, but it is definitely easier on the nerves and the washing bill not to clear up endless wee, or worse!

We tried in November (aged 3) and it was a complete nightmare. Wee and pop everywhere! We decided to stop and tried again a few weeks ago and he got it instantly. Better to stop if it's not the right time I think. You always expect your younger ones to be the same for it's a surprise when they're not!

Honestly OP, I would just leave him for now. I tried several times with DS before he was ready - then I just left it - he was nearly 4 but suddenly one day he wanted to wear big boy pants and within 2 days he was completely dry - no fuss at all

I'd leave it for a bit if he's not ready. Don't cause him or you more stress!

We tried with DS1 the month before he turned 3 and he picked it up within 3 days and only had a couple of accidents. He wasn't dry at night until he was 4 though.

We've tried a few times with DS2 over the last year or so but he wasn't getting the hang of it at all so we left it. We tried again on Friday last week and he seems to have got the hang of it - he had two wee accidents on Friday morning but since then has been fine. He's quite happy wandering around in his pants at the moment. Friday and Saturday he used the potty but since then he's taken himself off to the toilet when he needs to go. He's 3yrs 7months.

I had a very si.ilar situation with my son. His sister was trained at 2.5 within a week. He was nowhere near, I didn't even try until he was 3 years and 3 months. It was a long road, I found he did best with nothing on his bottom half. Then we progressed to pants, then pants and trousers. He never tolerated potties, toilet only but he sat down to start (I was a bit disappointed when he started to do stand up wees- it was so much tidier! 🤣). Was dry day and night within 2 months so by 3.5. Poos though were a nightmare. He seemed to just not care if he sat in his own poo. It was exhausting, frustrating and so so miserable. Then 1 day (good Friday actually!) he just decided to poo on the toilet and since then he's clean. He too is slightly speech delayed so I think I used to assume he couldn't understand me but like everything he does, once it was his decision he stuck to it. I feel your pain though, I just kept reminding myself that he won't be 18 and still not toilet trained!

Well going against what has been said I think do reward. I gave a smartie for any wee or poo. Don't bother with points. He's too young for that. Instant gratification. Wee in the toilet, any wee, even if most went on the floor gets a smartie. The only reason not to give him one is if he makes no effort at all. But at that age they are really motivated by the chocolate reward. I actually started with chocolate coins because they were very sought after but when they had established a bit of a routine they were puononto smarties.

Thanks for starting this thread OP! My boy is 3 (also bilingual, if that's relevant!) and still has lots of accidents. He just doesn't seem to care! Poo is fine, he'll take himself off to the potty no problem but wee can be either in the potty, in his pants or both. If I ask him does he want a wee, he'll shout 'No!' yet wet himself 30 seconds later. It's like he has a psychological fear/hatred of the potty.

He knows what to do, he just doesn't want to do it. Unless I offer him a biscuit in exchange for doing a wee, then he'll go no problem. Usually though he'll only go to the potty when he's already wet.

I would have stopped his training but he's in pre-school full time now, they're supposed to be trained in order to attend so I kept going with it. He'll wee on the toilet there but still comes home in different clothes a couple of times a week after accidents. We've been at it since August last year so I'm losing hope. Just praying it clicks for him before DC2 arrives in the summer.

@msflibble Ah, ok. I only checked, because I've worked with children with a variety of additional learning needs over the last decade, and frequently being late to toilet train came alongside that - for a whole variety of reasons. And I thought for both of you there's no point carrying on if he's really not ready yet!

But maybe having a plan, and going back to basics will be all he needs. Best of luck!

I'm struggling to get my 3 year old son potty trained. I have just paid £20 on Amazon for a kids potty that looks exactly like a toilet. It has flushing noise's and it's own toilet roll. This has sparked his interest 🤞

It's a myth that bilingualism causes speech delays! Sounds like your DS is in a world of his own, OP, but it's not because he's learning two languages

As you said above, I'd give it another week or so, then take a break until the summer. Have you got a garden? My DS pretty much trained himself last summer when he was playing naked outside. We've never done any rewards or excessive praise, but I guess it depends on the kid. Do you think a sticker chart would engage him consistently?

Don't beat yourself up about it anyway. If you go back to nappies, it's not a failure on your part and you're not going to ruin your chances of training him ever! It's just one of those things you can't force!

I'm currently potty training my nearly 3yo dd. She gets it naked but not with clothes. Yesterday was our worst day in ages honestly felt like I spent the whole day cleaning up pee. So I feel your pain. No tips just letting you know you are most definitely not alone!

I'd wait. He doesn't sound ready and Germans aren't obsessed with being trained by 3. The only issue would be if he's due to start a kindergarten that doesn't take younger ones, as they can be a bit less proactive in reminding them to use the loo IME.

I agree with the point that he is likely to need different things to your DD, all DC are different. My 20mo has started telling us when he's done a poo and occasionally when he is about to do one, but doesn't have the attention span to sit on the toilet or potty yet or the understanding that he's waiting for something to happen. DS1 didn't train until he was a bit over 3. They do get there in the end.

You could also ask your Kinderarzt for advice :)

You can get training pants with a slightly absorbent patch which helps as 'first line of defence' but let's the child feel wet.

Also use joggers or similar that he can take down quickly and easily

I also recommend Oh Crap which divides training into blocks, starting with bare bottom half and moves on to the next block once the child has made sufficient progress. It is a process though so don’t despair if he doesn’t get it immediately - it will come.

Thanks all, so much excellent advice and support here! I couldn't face endless piles of urine-soaked clothes today so I did put him in a nappy, but tomorrow I plan to start afresh... I think I'll invest in some of those training pants too.
I feel like once he's more verbal it'll be easier to explain to him that he needs to go when he feels the need to pee, and not after he's started peeing. Explaining it at the moment feels a bit like trying to explain the plot of star wars to a cat.

Anyhooo - thanks again. I definitely feel more sane and more like I've got some options up my sleeve after the help/advice on this thread!

I’ve always said when a child is ready they are done in a day or two and don’t have countless accidents (Been in childcare as nanny and mn for 30yrs)

Tried dd ,3 in March at beginning of lockdown. 3 weee in less then half a day. She got upset. We stopped

Tried 6w later and no accidents at all. Been dry now think a month and had one wee (blame daddy) and odd curious tortoise while running to potty

Too much is pressured to have child potty trained

When ready it’s a doddle

When the arent , then having lots of accidents isn’t fun for adult or child

I would put your child back in nappies and try later