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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have another baby as a single mum

62 replies

CherryTreeBlossoms · 05/05/2020 12:40

I am a single mum and I have a toddler who I am bringing up on my own. This was a planned pregnancy in a relationship. I love being a mum but I feel sad that I will never have another child. I am much happier on my own and feel in control of my life. I have considered dating again but I don’t want to do it.

being in lockdown has made me think a lot about my future and what I want. I know that I would love to have another child so that my DC can have a sibling but I don’t really want another man in my life. The only reason I was even considering it was because I wanted another child and that wasn’t a good enough reason.

Would it be wrong for me to have another child on my own? Has anyone else done this? I know a couple of people who have adopted as single mums but they didn’t have any children before that.

OP posts:

Ylvamoon · 05/05/2020 16:02

Every child has the right to know both parents.

I know many people are doing it by themselves but it's not really a choice.

I would also think about the difference between DC1 & DC2 in having a father in their lives.

abstractprojection · 05/05/2020 16:10

Life is to short to not do anything with it because what if an unlikely worst case senario happens. Which you would manage perfectly fine anyway as people do.

So I would go for it!

Personally I would consider a gay co-parent as I have a lot of gay male friends who would love to have a child and who I think would make great co-parents

stanley10 · 05/05/2020 16:16

Do it! Plenty of happy kids are amazingly raised in single households. Go for it op - you have enough money and with one already you know what you’re letting yourself in for.

Cam2020 · 05/05/2020 16:17

I think it's a bit much to say it's selfish! By that token, the whole business of children is selfish - the kids didn't ask to be born!

Why not wait until lockdown is finished and some semblance of normality has resumed and see how you feel? If you still feel that's, what you want to do and like you can afford it and will cope, then go for it! It's a lot more honest than getting into a realtinoship you're not really interested in just to have a child. So many people delude themselves and do just that, I think fact you're honest with yourself is a great thing.

pilates · 05/05/2020 16:25

If you feel strong enough to do it then yes. I personally wouldn’t have. I found it tough with two. It was nice when DH came in from work I could leave the room for a break.

KnobwithaK · 05/05/2020 16:42

If you can afford it (both in terms of money and time) then go for it.

Ilovechinese · 05/05/2020 17:35

Go for it! You might not have one and regret it when you get too old to have anymore but you will never regret having a child who you love DVD if it isn't always easy being a single parent

Ilovechinese · 05/05/2020 17:35

Dvd=even*

peperethecat · 05/05/2020 17:43

I think it depends on how old you are. If you're under 35 I would wait and see how things pan out over the next couple of years. You might meet someone.

gumball37 · 05/05/2020 17:59

I've been a single mom since 2006 when my husband made it perfectly clear that he would much rather focus on himself than anyone else. I dated on and off throughout the years but didn't really find a connection with anyone. My ex-husband randomly pops up here and there and does nothing but cause problems. So those two things combined made me think that I'd rather not have kids with a person ever again. around five years ago, my mom died. She was my best friend and the only adult family member I had. At that point I realized that I did not want that for my son, and I'd always wanted more kids anyway so I was just going to go ahead and do it. I used ICI. I'm in the United States, so all I had to do was get a letter from my doctor I ordered sperm over the Internet through a sperm bank, and inseminated myself at home. My daughter took one try which was very lucky. She is now 3 years old. My son, took four tries including one very early miscarriage. But he is now almost 2.

I havent had a single regret... Other than wishing I had done this sooner. (And yes.. I joined just to respond to this)

RyanBergarasTeeth · 05/05/2020 18:06

This is such an interesting question and one i have thought about tbh (i am ttc first atm) but if you went via a sperm donor how would you explain when they are old enough that one has a father and one has a donor? Saying that go for it. People giving stupid excuses like they may not get on dont say that to married couples trying for 2nd or 3rd kids. Its always single women trying its said to.

Lostvoiced · 05/05/2020 18:11

Did I just wake up in the 1950s with some of these replies?
Jesus.

Children need love and support. They do not need two parents. There are many one parent households out there and I think its disgusting how our society continues to shit on them.

OP, if you're sure and you can support 2 children then go for it and sod what other people think.

unchienandalusia · 05/05/2020 18:11

I remember someone saying something to me once, when I was pregnant with DC2, that has always rung true. A second child is like having three children. The two children on their own and the monster of t he two together. Mine were admittedly close together (20 months) but it's so true.

Carouselfish · 05/05/2020 18:13

I considered the donor route at one point in my life and concluded it's a bit mean to deny them knowledge of their background. Yes they can find out when they're 18 but that's not the same as always knowing and it forming part of their identity. In the end I was looking into co-parenting but with a friend. Didn't work out that way as I met someone but I figured that was the second least selfish route after adoption. IMO.

ThinkPink71 · 05/05/2020 18:14

If you can afford to provide for another baby then do what you like and be happy! :)

LochJessMonster · 05/05/2020 18:37

If you can afford it, do it.
Sperm donation is an option.
Plus (and I’m sure this is an unpopular opinion) if it turns out the foetus has any genetic orders that you might struggle with as a single parent, termination is also an option.

opticaldelusion · 05/05/2020 19:26

Although lots of children are brought up perfectly well and very successfully with only one parent, there is still something missing and it’s far from ideal

Well done for making every widow and widower feel like they're failing their children.

Lostvoiced · 05/05/2020 19:32

@opticaldelusion

While I completely agree with you I would also add that this includes all single mothers. Most didnt choose to be single, or if they did, it's because they felt it was what was best for them and their children.

My mother was a single mother because my father was abusive, and I have always hated people who looked down on her for being single. Not that she should have had to justify why she was on her own, but I wonder if these sneering holier-than-thou types were suggesting she should have just taken being hit so that we could say we had a dad.

It's something I feel strongly about, for obvious reasons.

Triggahippy · 05/05/2020 20:14

You are a loving mother who has a good job and stable finances. That is a good basis from which to add to your family. People have children in all sorts of scenarios. My father was an abusive twat and my selfish Mum refused to leave him. I’d have far rather be raised by a single Mum such as yourself.
Wish you well OP

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 05/05/2020 20:24

Well done for making every widow and widower feel like they're failing their children I don’t think that’s what people are doing, I appreciate people are sensitive when in certain situations. Trust me life can be far from perfect (mum died when I was 8, dad became an alcoholic and died just after my teens), and of course lots of two biological parent families are awful and lots of single parents do an amazing job. But I would never choose to give a child of mine a disadvantage by removing them the chance to have a father.

TurquoiseDress · 05/05/2020 20:30

I'm not sure on this one

On the one hand I'd say, if you can manage financially, then go for it

But on the other, having a baby with a partner will be (hopefully) a much more supportive environment

Think of the effect on DC1- yes they will gain a sibling, but what about what they will lose out on in terms of less dedicated time with you, with no partner/other to spread the load

I don't know, such an individual decision, one of our neighbours has 3 young children, 3 different dads, she's not got a job & spends a lot of her energy chasing up the dads trying to get them to contribute to her rent etc

TheSoapyFrog · 05/05/2020 20:48

I got pregnant as a single woman in my 30s. I have twin boys (not as rare as you might think) and one of them does have severe learning disabilities. I've coped because I have to. Same as you will. I won't lie, it hasn't been easy. My dream job had to go because my disabled boy needs me and I can't get the sort of wraparound childcare needed.
If you can still look at the what ifs and know you can handle them and have a back up plan, go for it.

PapayaCoconut · 05/05/2020 21:34

Would it be wrong for me to have another child on my own?

Not at all. You want it, you can afford it, you think you can handle it. You're already better off than all the MNers who come here for advice about men who never lift a finger, refuse to share 'their' money or have affairs. And I've seen MANY of those. I know several single mothers who are completely happy that way and why shouldn't they be? It's just as valid a choice as being in a couple.

PapayaCoconut · 05/05/2020 21:36

A second child is like having three children. The two children on their own and the monster of t he two together.

I disagree strongly. My five year old actually helps me with the baby sometimes.

Original poster

CherryTreeBlossoms · 05/05/2020 21:38

Wow @gumball37 amazing to hear that you actually did it! What do your children think about not having a dad? They are old enough now to have an opinion on it.

A lot of these opinions about lone parents are hard to hear as obviously I already have a child.

@TheSoapyFrog I am sorry you have had such a tough time. I do think it is interesting to that you are still saying go for it.

The thing that I do worry about the most is what the child will think and how to explain to them that they don’t have a dad. I think that is the biggest hurdle for me.

OP posts:

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