Dating someone with mental illnesses

[FlowersareForever]

The man I've been dating since December has BPD and is bipolar. He is also showing signs of narcissism and the lack of empathy (I don't know if it's all connected). All our conversations has to be about him and the struggles in his life.
My nan passed away 2 weeks ago from cancer and not once has he acknowledged it. He's also blamed me for not caring about him enough while I'm trying to look after my 5 DC so he will ignore me for days at a time. The last time I was ignored was because I didnt message back quick enough, even though all I was doing was helping the kids with their school work. And I'm being ignored again now for a reason I don't even know! It's exhausting!

AIBU to think this will never work?? Should I say goodbye?

Think about what's best for your children. Please. The answer is obvious. Bin him off.

Run a mile

Yeah just to add his behaviour isn't BPD either he's just a twatwaffle. I just hope you dont let this colour your view of anyone with mental illness, it's people like your boyfriend who blame their nasty attitudes on mental illness and that feeds the stigma.

@Littleleaps Yes! Very frustrating.

Get rid!

What exactly are you getting out of this relationship? You already have 5 children, doubt if you need a 6th. His behaviour has nothing to do with mental illness, he's just a twat and using it as an excuse

OP, please work on your sense of self-esteem and your boundaries. That you had to come here and have the absolutely-obvious confirmed to you means that you are not seeing straight when it comes to the partner/s you choose.

I have bipolar and I don’t act like that. Although from what you’ve described it does sound more like BPD behaviour from experience. Either way, he shouldn’t be using his mental health as an excuse, it’s manipulative and definitely not ok

Of course you should walk away. For your kids sake if not for your own.

@BippityBoppity87 I have BPD and I don't act like that - in fact I have major abandonment fears and would be terrified of ignoring someone for days on end. That goes for others I know with BPD too. This behaviour really isn't down to a mental illness and BPD doesnt make you a horrible person.

Why on earth would you want someone like that near your children.

It's not BPD - they feel things deeper and have abandonment issues, don't like to be apart from loved ones.

Chuck him, he is a Narc.

Run, as fast as you can. He’s done nothing to show he gives a shit - he won’t change.

LittleLeaps I didn’t say it makes you a horrible person. I said it could maybe explain some of his behaviours. Either way, the behaviour overall isn’t on and shouldn’t be used an excuse no more than I would use my bipolar as an excuse

Say goodbye, Op. I very much doubt this is mental illness in a way he wants you to believe. He’s a selfish, inconsiderate idiot. Get rid.

Oh op even if he was behaving this way due to bpd, why would you think thats what you and your children deserve?

Dump him
Fast.

I have bipolar and BPD and don’t behave like that. He’s just an arsehole.

Hey, OP! I get it. I'm in a (sort of) relationship with someone who's hugely avoidant, can blank me for weeks at a time, seemingly has little empathy and is incredibly self-absorbed.

People who just say he doesn't care or is using mental health as an excuse simply don't understand. People with BPD can outwardly behave appallingly but that doesn't mean they're narcissistic or they don't care. Often it just means they're paralysed with their own fears and the easiest way to cope with that is to push you away.

That's not to say it's easy. You'll be forever in a no win situation and you need to examine why you're prepared to put up with that. Counselling that explores your own attachment style will probably prove useful.

But don't listen to people who say he doesn't give a shit. That won't help you feel better about yourself and it's unlikely to be true. But focus on your own needs. Loving someone with BPD is HARD xx.

I have BPD and I don't act like that - in fact I have major abandonment fears and would be terrified of ignoring someone for days on end

... is your experience of BPD. It's not a one-size-fits-all. BPD makes clingy behaviour common. It also makes avoidant behaviour common. Just because you're terrified of ignoring someone doesn't mean everyone with BPD is. They just have a different way of coping with their fear of rejection.

I’ll second that his behaviour isn’t related to mental illness. I have both of those conditions and yet show compassion to others. Have a successful marriage. Have two kids I put my all in to.
I suppose things also depend on if he is receiving help in terms of therapy and medication as they can make a difference. I am very stable through a combination of medication and therapy.
Personally I think he just sounds like arse.

What's the point.

It sounds exhausting. And trouble.
You don't owe him anything. Say goodbye now, you'll regret it otherwise.

How many red flags do you need??? Please be nice to yourself and bin him!!!

This chap is a narc. Narcs don't change, this will get worse. It'll start with tantrums over not replying fast enough and it will escalate. Absolutely run for the hills immediately & breath a sigh of relief the hell you have just dodged.

My partner has BPD and isn’t an asshole. He unfortunately is. It’s not an excuse.

Nope