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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This is not OK surely?

54 replies

Bobbins2015 · 04/05/2020 13:07

DH has declared that he will not help homeschool the children. We are both working from home. He told me from day 1 it was up to me but he wouldn’t help. I am left to juggle my work around trying to see to the kids. In the last few weeks if I ask for help, the school work doesn’t get done or he just takes them out for half an hour. Seriously pulling my hair out.

OP posts:
RedskyAtnight · 04/05/2020 13:08

How old are the children?

zscaler · 04/05/2020 13:09

What’s his justification?! Tell him he can pull himself together and start helping or he can leave. He clearly has no respect for you and no interest in the wellbeing of your kids.

Burntmybiscuits · 04/05/2020 13:09

What are his reasons? Doesn't sound right at all to me!

EuphegeniaDoubtfire · 04/05/2020 13:09

But, why?

Ronia · 04/05/2020 13:10

Has he said why he is refusing to parent his own children?

ZingyLime · 04/05/2020 13:13

Well you will have to tell him you cannot be all things to all people so since the dc are so dependent upon you, you will have to withdraw all partnership activities you offer to him. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, companionship, sex. You cannot be all things to all people.
So perhaps the best option is for him to go into lockdown elsewhere....with a view to making that permanent.

Shoxfordian · 04/05/2020 13:36

Doesn't he think he should be responsible as their other parent? Sounds like a knob

IKEA888 · 04/05/2020 13:38

needs to be shared
kids in bed tonight chat sort it

LouiseTrees · 04/05/2020 13:39

You should refuse to do anything in the evenings eg washing, tidying etc because you already have two jobs ( teaching and your own career) so you’ve had to take a sabbatical from your other two ( wife and mum). Tell him it’s unreasonable you have 4 jobs and he has one.

Sparklesocks · 04/05/2020 13:39

Is he always so lazy and useless? Does he not understand that he is also their parent?

Aquamarine1029 · 04/05/2020 13:40

Why are you married to such a useless, selfish prick?

Cherrysoup · 04/05/2020 13:41

Then you do no work round the house, no washing/cooking/cleaning, definitely no sex! He sounds like an idiot, how come he gets to escape the horror of homeschooling??

HelloJohnGotANewMotor · 04/05/2020 13:41

Why does he think he has the right to declare he's not going to bother about his children? Does he not think their education is important?
What would happen if you declared you weren't going to feed or clothe them but you would look after them for half an hour a day??
You can't just go round declaring what you're prepared or not prepared to do. He's a parent and by definition, he has declared himself responsible for bringing his children up.

billy1966 · 04/05/2020 13:42

It is truly jaw dropping what some women end up married to, on here.

Must be very hard to look at such an excuse of a man, much less stay in a relationship.

My sympathies OP.

Original poster
Bobbins2015 · 04/05/2020 13:44

Thanks for all your replies. The kids are primary age. Him saying what he said was off the back of me saying we needed some structure to our days once lockdown began. Don’t get me wrong, he’s fab with housework and the like but we have just clashed on this. When I told him he needed to help me out a couple of weeks back he said ‘I knew this would happen’ and something along the lines of ‘you and your grand plans lo and behold’. ‘You’ve decided to take this on’ I try to explain that there’s expectation from school and does he expect the kids to veg for however many weeks. I could laugh if I wasn’t so desperately depressed!

OP posts:
Windyatthebeach · 04/05/2020 13:45

Imo you should tit for tat. He won't parent. You won't wife.. No cooking /wahsing /etc.. Make him see how ridiculous he is being.

RedskyAtnight · 04/05/2020 13:45

The age of the children and the reason for not wanting to homeschool is some what crucial here.

On the basis that DH seems happy to "amuse" the children so that OP can work I think some of this criticism is a bit much. Maybe he doesn't feel able to help an older child, or doesn't think a younger child needs structured homeschooling?

MrsCollinssettled · 04/05/2020 13:47

Assuming they are his kids?

As pp said clearly in lockdown your jobs are your paid work and teaching. His are paid work and running the home. Down tools and stop doing the house related jobs.

Original poster
Bobbins2015 · 04/05/2020 13:47

@HelloJohnGotANewMotor exactly! I have said to him the very same. What if I were to just opt out.

OP posts:
Nottherealslimshady · 04/05/2020 13:48

Ok, you do the kids and he does absolutely everything else. If he wants you to help with the house then he helps with the kids.

Sparklesocks · 04/05/2020 13:49

What exactly is his reasoning for not contributing? Is he claiming to be busy with work etc, or is he just flat out saying it isn’t his responsibility?

Original poster
Bobbins2015 · 04/05/2020 13:49

@RedskyAtnight they are young primary. His opinion is that his work is his priority.

OP posts:
ShawshanksRedemption · 04/05/2020 13:50

@Bobbins2015 How involved is DH usually in school life? Does he usually support the kids and homework or is he dismissive? Does he agree with educating the kids with set school work at this time or does he think it should be a time for a different kind of education?

Did he have an OK time at Primary/Secondary school - if not could this be paying into how he feels about it?

As he does housework it doesn't come across that he sees this as "lifework" too. Something else is going on.

ShawshanksRedemption · 04/05/2020 13:53

To add, school should really only be setting work that the kids should be able to do by themselves with minimal support from parents. If that isn't the case, I would recommend feeding that back to their school/teacher. Helping kids with their education at home isn't supposed to make life harder for the parent (I work in a primary school).

ShawshanksRedemption · 04/05/2020 13:54

Not "lifework" but "wifework".