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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To go back to my shared flat during lockdown?

53 replies

heybabes · 04/05/2020 04:35

I currently share an apartment with another girl, but chose to live with my boyfriend during lockdown.

My flat is 10 minutes walk away from my boyfriends and my room is on the top floor with its own bathroom. A couple of times I’ve gone back there to work as I find it really difficult to work from my boyfriends as he has a demanding 3 year old a couple of days a week who wants my attention 24/7.

However my flat mate has told me that she no longer wants me to come back to the flat to work, as it’s breaking the lockdown rules and mixing households, and I can only come to pick up my stuff. Even though my room is on a separate floor to hers, I don’t use any shared facilities or space when I go.

Part of me thinks it’s because I said she could use my room if she needed to as it has access to the roof and we have no garden and I thought it was being kind...

Anyway I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not. I get we’re not supposed to mix households, but it’s essentially like I’m in another flat as I’m keeping my distance and not using any shared spaces. I’m still paying all rent and utility bills so I feel like it’s a little unfair.

I’ve got a really busy week at work coming up and I know I’m really going to struggle getting anything done so I’d really like to go back, just don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not.

OP posts:

velourvoyageur · 04/05/2020 07:45

Not mix households unnecessarily? I’m not sure why you brought your situation into it as it’s not relevant to the thread

YgritteSnow · 04/05/2020 07:51

Your flat mate is right and you have probably added quite a lot of stress to the situation for her as well as she works out how to bring it up to you without causing offence. My neighbour who moved in with his girlfriend for the duration but pops back once a week to check mail in the communal area and check his flat. It has really pissed me off but as he doesn't actually come into my flat I have said nothing but I still think it's selfish and it has caused me stress and extra work by having to disinfect anything he might have touched.

Hugglespuffed · 04/05/2020 07:51

Of course YABU. You either stay with your boyfriend and his child. Or you move home and see your boyfriend after lockdown. Stop putting your poor flatmate is an uncomfortable position. She is just trying to follow the rules. You paying rent has nothing to do with it as you chose to live with your boyfriend.
I've heard of so many people flouting the rules like this and so many people who think the rules don't apply to them. We will never get out of this mess at this rate.

barofsoap · 04/05/2020 07:57

what will ultimately make a difference is not small scale "mixing of households" where the chance of infection is very small, but the closure of larger scale meetings / sports events / theatres / religious events where many more people are present for a prolonged time and the likelihood of coming into contact with an infected person was much higher. Biggest clusters are traced back to these.
Travel on public transport still occurs and is probably the most high risk event.

Mascotte · 04/05/2020 08:04

But surely, @YgritteSnow if the guy lived there full time you'd need to sterilise every day, maybe more than once, if you are concerned enough to do so? So is he not in fact saving you work?

velourvoyageur · 04/05/2020 08:05

So then it comes down to the principle of fairness - who gets to be included in the ‘small scale’ mixing of households, once all the unavoidable mixing (due to custody arrangements etc.) has been accounted for? The margin of extra people unnecessarily meeting others who can be included in that ‘small scale’ total and still not make any difference to transmission rates must be pretty small. The truth is if the OP breaking the rules doesn’t make any difference, it’s thanks to the rest of us making the effort.

tooto · 04/05/2020 08:09

Basically you've disregarded the rules in staying in one household all this time and still want to do so. I'm with your housemate on this one.

Original poster

heybabes · 04/05/2020 08:10

Thanks for all the replies, seemed to be mixed too! I do get her point of view and if I was using shared spaces I’d totally understand. Yes we share a front door, but we also share another door with other people who live in the same building too! I get mixing households as in socialising with people from different households, but I’m not going to do that. I assume she is going to the shops and things and is opening doors there and walking through other hallways as many households.

OP posts:

Original poster

heybabes · 04/05/2020 08:13

And btw I haven’t gone back, I’ve respected what she’s said because I think if it makes her uncomfortable than fine, it’s just some of my friends/family have told me she can’t do that and it isn’t fair, so I wasn’t sure.

She’s also said I’m allowed to come back and pick up things from my room which is essentially the same thing as going to my room and working.

OP posts:

nerdgirl47 · 04/05/2020 08:14

I would understand her concern if you had to share a bathroom, kitchen and so on but if the facilities are all separate then she's not really your flatmate, just someone who lives in the same block? How do you think people living in high rise flats are coping?

If you want to go then go. Just keep to your own space of course.

Ullupullu · 04/05/2020 08:14

Do you use the kitchen when you're there? Doesn't she use your room's window and doors to get to the roof terrace you mentioned? Given what you've said maybe you should stay in the flat you're paying for full time rather than pop to see your boyfriend

LIZS · 04/05/2020 08:19

If you go back you stay back. No to and fro.

Lochroy · 04/05/2020 08:22

YABU. You're trying to have the best of both and that's selfish in the current climate. Both have pros and cons. You need to pick one and stick with it, and suck up the aspects you don't like.

YgritteSnow · 04/05/2020 08:24

But surely, @YgritteSnow if the guy lived there full time you'd need to sterilise every day, maybe more than once, if you are concerned enough to do so? So is he not in fact saving you work?

No not really. He's still introducing risk into the communal areas. And if I still have to do it in case I don't hear him or he comes while we have been out. They are still having packages delivered here which he comes for too when he's had notifications. If he stayed away as he is supposed to, then I'd know for certain that the communal areas are safe plus I wouldn't have to risk running into him sat on the stairs, chatting away on the phone for twenty minutes making us all squeeze past him to get out. It's against guidelines and it introduces uncertainty into an already stressful time.

Mascotte · 04/05/2020 08:25

To be fair, if the OP goes back never to leave again it will be much worse for the flat mate as it sounds like separate households so she'll still be alone, still have to frantically disinfect shared areas like the entrance, but have no access to the roof.

SomeoneInTheLaaaaaounge · 04/05/2020 08:31

Firstly, you are in breech if the rules by chopping and changing between two households.
The issue here is everyone is making up their own rules to suit themselves. I’m not policing you or judging you even. But you solicited my opinion and here it is.
But what needs clarifying is that people bending the rules, are essentially reliant on everyone else to make sacrifices in order for you to benefit. It’s ok for you to bend the rules because your flat mate isn’t. Does that make sense?
I might do the same in your shoes I don’t know, but you need to understand others are making big sacrifices not seeing loved ones in order that you can bend the rules.
Honestly you need to pick one household tooing and frooing a couple of times a week is really hard to justify.

Ponoka7 · 04/05/2020 08:31

Are you using the kitchen, while back home? Or do you go in and stay just in your room?

If you do use the kitchen then you are upping her chance of infection. It is against the guidance and she does have the right to object. Are you also in contact with all these family and friends who are backing you up? Do they not follow the guidance?

@barofsoap, we aren't tracing, so we don't know. I'm sure me and my DD have had it, but testing wasn't available. We have kept away from each other in the house and no one else that we have come into contact with has had it. You need to get in touch with the government advisors appearing on the BBC every night because they don't agree with you.

Jane1978xx · 04/05/2020 08:34

@barofsoap. The point is you have no choice. So the people who have a choice and can stay at home all the time should

nettie434 · 04/05/2020 08:40

but if the facilities are all separate then she's not really your flatmate, just someone who lives in the same block?

I agree with Nerdgirl47. I think it is slightly different if there is only a communal hallway and shared door. With luck they will bring in the ‘bubble’ policy and you can each be in each other’s bubble. In the meantime, it sounds as if your flatmate is enjoying the roof terrace.

Cherrysoup · 04/05/2020 08:45

Presumably you share the kitchen?

She can’t tell you to stay away, but if you are dipping in and out, I think it’s fair for her to be annoyed. However, you’re both tenants so she can’t tell you what to do.

GreenGill · 04/05/2020 08:49

Go to your home and stay there.
Your partner will still be there in a few weeks when lockdown is relaxed.

JudyCoolibar · 04/05/2020 08:55

I don't understand the point of disinfecting communal areas in blocks of flats as some people say they are doing. It makes much more sense to treat them like the rest of the outside world, and (a) avoid going out of your own front door as much as possible but (b) simply wash thoroughly after passing through them. Spending time in them to disinfect them every day surely increases your chances of picking up an infection?

picklemewalnuts · 04/05/2020 09:21

It's not the same as other residents in the block because they have to be there.

Have you forgotten the glitter analogy?
You are mixing with your BF, his child, his child's mother and any other members of that household. As soon as you go back to your own house, you are spreading glitter there too- door handles, light switches, the furniture in your room...

YgritteSnow · 04/05/2020 11:03

I don't understand the point of disinfecting communal areas in blocks of flats as some people say they are doing.

I don't live in a "block of flats". I live in a converted Victorian house where I have the first floor and my neighbour has the second floor, we share a front door and communal hallway. He is essentially mixing households when he comes to and fro as he is doing.

Lynda07 · 04/05/2020 11:10

heybabes, I'm a bit confused now after reading all the latest posts.

You say you've decided not to go back anyway so maybe your dilemma has come to an end. However I will say if you do go back to your home, don't leave it to go to boyfriend any more, be prepared to stay put. I'm sure you can isolate and sanitise sufficiently to protect your flatmate. There are lots of people still going out to work, even on public transport, who are far more at risk than yourself.

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