Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WFH and childcare

35 replies

CatLadyP · 04/05/2020 02:18

DH is a key worker, working full time in his usual shifts. I am an office based professional working 4 full days a week (currently WFH). We've 2 DC, aged 5 and 2.

I have weekends and one weekday off. His days off vary, but on average there are 2.5 days per week when he's out at work and I am working (or at least trying to!) whilst looking after the kids.

On his days off when I'm working, AIBU to expect him to fully take on the childcare 9-5 and distract the DC as much as possible?

I'm struggling a bit. When there finally came a day last week when he was off I thought great, I can focus on work today and catch up a bit. But no, I get him being grumpy and snappy most of the day and asking me to do things.

If I bring this up as an issue I get comments about how I try to stick too rigidly to my hours or I don't need to do so much etc. My employer is understanding but I still need to keep up a decent level of performance, and there's stuff that needs doing! And I feel like he doesn't think my job is that important compared to his (though I am the higher earner).

At the moment I feel like I'm struggling a bit, and sort of walking on eggshells in case he gets angry and goes off on one. I feel like crying a lot of the time anyway, because of the stress of it all.

I know it's not easy for him having to go out to work in the current circumstances but I'm with the kids 24/7. I never thought I'd say it but I'd love to even just be able to go out to work at the moment, to get a day to myself.

I know we're lucky to both still be in a job, but it feels like this could break us. I don't know if I'm expecting too much from DH in the circumstances?

We do generally share the housework fairly equally so that's not an issue.

OP posts:
ThePants999 · 04/05/2020 02:34

YANBU. If you've lost your usual childcare then any time one parent is working and the other is not, the non-working parent needs to handle childcare. It will no doubt suck big time for him, but that's life right now. Expecting your partner to attempt to work AND look after small children while you relax is just silly, no matter how you're feeling.

If he's a key worker, though, are you sure you can't find childcare?

Sciurus83 · 04/05/2020 05:06

Of course he should be looking after the kids when he is home he's being an arse and I'm sorry you are being made to feel the way you do, it's not right.

HanaHeya · 04/05/2020 05:39

He’s grumpy because he’s been busted for being lazy and selfish. You need to allocate your working hours and he needs to look after the kids, just as if you were working out of home

MindyStClaire · 04/05/2020 05:47

YANBU at all. You fully do the childcare while he's working, he needs to do the same for you.

Downtime is really important ATM and should be scheduled in where possible - but that goes for both of you.

SquigglePigs · 04/05/2020 05:50

Of course he should be looking after them when he's around and you are working. I don't know how he can think anything else!

Rentacar · 04/05/2020 05:57

I've got the same. I feel.like his work is always prioritised and I have to Scrabble around for snatched time here and there. The worst bit is that I am currently working one day a week. He is working maybe the equivalent of 1.5 days a week, 2 at a push (odd hours here and there so difficult to tot up).

However, he holes himself up in his office and hides most days so the childcare falls to me along with the cooking and cleaning.

His logic? He brings in more money than me (you know because the rest of the time I'm bringing up our kids). I usually work 3 days a week (kids have alot of medical spots due to special needs and tonnes of paperwork so I need the other two days for that and cleaning the whole house. Carers Allowance and Disability benefit "make up" my lost earnings on those two days). The money that I earn ONLY pays for the TV licence, life insurance, food, home insurance, every single thing to do with the kids (SEN equipment, birthdays, friends birthdays, family birthdays, Christmas, clothes, shoes, kids clubs, school trips, school lunches, music lessons) but my earnings are not as worthy as his in his eyes, therefore my work has to go on the back burner.

Rentacar · 04/05/2020 06:00

Some men are so selfish that they always twist the most logical thought processes around to suit them. Of course he should be picking up the slack on his days off.

Di11y · 04/05/2020 07:25

we have a 6yo and 2yo and both WFH, and find unless the TV is on for hours we need to always have one of us available for the children. YANBU. I bet you're not getting your best work done on the days he's working and you need to be able to focus. however, he does need some time to recover from working too. do you have a longer lunch break, start early/finish late?

mummyh2016 · 04/05/2020 07:35

My husband was the same, I was furloughed from 1st April but that first week I was wfh. He went out to work. Work was impossible with my DD so I had to work when DH was back from work. He took the piss getting home from work, then instead of going to have a quick shower as soon as he got in so I could start work straight away he would find things to do like getting something out the shed!!! Then when I moaned it was me BU. Felt like he didn't take my job seriously as I wasn't going out to work. I feel your frustration!

Original poster
CatLadyP · 04/05/2020 08:03

Thanks all.

I've pointed out that if I was at the office as usual on his days off he'd be dealing with them on his own and he just says well things are different at the moment.

I wish we had a home office I could lock myself in on his days off when I'm working!

We get about the same down time - I get a couple more evenings than he does as he's on late shifts sometimes but I'm more often the one up with the children when we're both off so he can have a bit more of a rest. I've been making extra effort not to moan about him playing xbox fairly often in the evening too as I know that's a bit of an escape for him.

He said that he was offended that I thought he was just at work without a care in the world and not worrying about how stressed I'm getting. I pointed out that he's adding to my stress with his mood swings and not distracting the kids on his days off and he got angry and said I ought to recognise when he's getting frustrated about something and keep quiet or do as he asks.

I feel like I can't say anything about it to him now because it's just going to cause an argument and I haven't got the energy for that.

OP posts:
HanaHeya · 04/05/2020 08:10

@CatLadyP what does he do?

Original poster
CatLadyP · 04/05/2020 08:18

Emergency services, but not in a role where he's interacting with the public much and always gets his breaks as he should etc.

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 04/05/2020 08:35

YANBU. He needs to accept that you can't work properly whilst looking after a 5 & 2 yo.
Can you shift your work to your usual 'day off' or work in the afternoon/evening? Not ideal but perhaps spend morning with kids & then they could watch TV in the afternoons?
He should take the children out for a long walk so you can work.
There seem to be a lot of women in this position - it's the whole 'having it all' i.e. career/family vs. 'doing it all' Luckily my DC are older but DH is hands on with kids. So I am lucky that he doesn't expect me to do everything. It's a shame that despite lots of women being equal contributors financially it's still assumed they will do more of the childcare.

Original poster
CatLadyP · 04/05/2020 08:48

Yes, it feels like I am the "default parent" all the time. It's like he's helping me out by dealing with them while I WFH, but it should simply be us sharing responsibilities to support each other.

I can do some work out of usual hours but mostly need to be available in office hours and have some calls / meetings in the daytime.

OP posts:
LaurieMarlow · 04/05/2020 08:50

He’s being a total dick OP. You need to sit him down and work out a plan of the uninterrupted time you need to work. And stick to that timetable.

His work, his stress, his needs, his moods do not take priority over yours. He seems to think they do.

LouiseTrees · 04/05/2020 08:51

Agree with all previous posters but my suggestion is, if you feel like, it cry while doing the next task. Hopefully he’ll realise that you are doing stuff because he said to keep quiet and do it and you don’t want to stress him but equally that it’s eating you up inside to do it. If he’s allowed to be angry you are allowed to be sad.

Figgygal · 04/05/2020 08:53

He’s being selfish
If off he’s in charge it should be that simple

LannieDuck · 04/05/2020 09:01

On his days off when I'm working, AIBU to expect him to fully take on the childcare 9-5 and distract the DC as much as possible?

Absolutely. There's no question at all - if he has a day off while you need to work, he takes the kids all day.

You're at work. It might be upstairs in the spare room, but you're working. End of discussion.

pjani · 04/05/2020 09:15

This is so depressing (I’ve become an unexpected 50s housewife myself). Of course he should be ‘lead parent’ while you are working. His grumpiness is a convenient way of not having to deal with the unfairness of his actions. It also drives me crazy that you’re the bigger earner - were you a man and he a woman I feel like there is no way this would have come up, he’d be doing his share (and... more) no questions answered.

Glad to read he’s usually good around the house though.

He might be struggling with the fact it’s harder to be around the kids so much and he’s a worse parent in these circumstances than he’d like to be. But so are we all.

dreamingbohemian · 04/05/2020 09:35

Of course you aren't expecting too much!

Honestly, what is wrong with all these men.

Eskarina1 · 04/05/2020 09:48

YWNBU in your original post. However, him saying you need to notice when he's frustrated and either shut up or let him have his way is a big line he's crossed. I would genuinely be considering divorce if my husband said that and didn't realise what an arse he was being very quickly

Tootletum · 04/05/2020 10:15

Join the club. Thought we were equals until we were both at home and he doesn't clean or cook or sort out the kids.

Original poster
CatLadyP · 04/05/2020 10:50

However, him saying you need to notice when he's frustrated and either shut up or let him have his way is a big line he's crossed.

I feel like that too. I can't live like that. I'm hoping he will come to realise how bad it is pretty soon.

He put it as "I know I lose my temper sometimes and when I can feel it's coming on I try to stop it and I need you to just trust me and do what I ask rather than questioning me, which you know will make it worse." I really don't see it as a trust issue though!!

OP posts:
erinaceus · 04/05/2020 11:46

keep quiet or do as he asks.

This is the WTAF line. You’re both stressed, this is a shit situation all round. Of course he should care for the children whilst you are at work and he is not. Most couples with both parents working are juggling along these lines.

”...I need you to just trust me and do what I ask rather than questioning me, which you know will make it worse."

This as an assertion is disturbing, as if he can rule by threatening to lose his temper and believes that to alright. I know it will be difficult to hold your boundaries during lockdown but this sort of thing would have me rethinking my relationship, it’s “you need couples’ counselling — or he needs psychotherapy” territory to my mind.