WFH and childcare

[CatLadyP]

DH is a key worker, working full time in his usual shifts. I am an office based professional working 4 full days a week (currently WFH). We've 2 DC, aged 5 and 2.

I have weekends and one weekday off. His days off vary, but on average there are 2.5 days per week when he's out at work and I am working (or at least trying to!) whilst looking after the kids.

On his days off when I'm working, AIBU to expect him to fully take on the childcare 9-5 and distract the DC as much as possible?

I'm struggling a bit. When there finally came a day last week when he was off I thought great, I can focus on work today and catch up a bit. But no, I get him being grumpy and snappy most of the day and asking me to do things.

If I bring this up as an issue I get comments about how I try to stick too rigidly to my hours or I don't need to do so much etc. My employer is understanding but I still need to keep up a decent level of performance, and there's stuff that needs doing! And I feel like he doesn't think my job is that important compared to his (though I am the higher earner).

At the moment I feel like I'm struggling a bit, and sort of walking on eggshells in case he gets angry and goes off on one. I feel like crying a lot of the time anyway, because of the stress of it all.

I know it's not easy for him having to go out to work in the current circumstances but I'm with the kids 24/7. I never thought I'd say it but I'd love to even just be able to go out to work at the moment, to get a day to myself.

I know we're lucky to both still be in a job, but it feels like this could break us. I don't know if I'm expecting too much from DH in the circumstances?

We do generally share the housework fairly equally so that's not an issue.

Yes, I find his attitude very disturbing.

Obviously most of us would find life much easier if our partners just did whatever we asked and never challenged us, but normal people understand that is not a reasonable thing to ask or expect, or even want! That combined with his lack of respect for your job, even though it's higher paid, suggests a really disturbing attitude toward you.

Of course he's also made it so you can't challenge any of this without fear of him losing his temper. I'm really sorry OP, I think you're in a very difficult position.

It honestly sounds worse when you write put exactly what he says. It's not a trust issue, because he's not doing something you need (taking a share of parenting so you can work). He's not asking you to trust that he'll do it without nagging, he's presumably asking you to trust him that your work doesn't matter.

If you feel safe, I would honestly be offering him a choice between doing his share and taking responsibility for his temper and separation. But i would also talk to someone in real life because his behaviour is worrying.

YANBU
Our situation is a bit different as we have always worked a posing shifts and managed childcare around us. We're both key workers who can luckily work from home as we're in admin roles in our respective jobs.
While the working patent is working they are upstairs and treated as is they were out at work. We say good by to the toddler as if we were going to work normally but pop upstairs not out the door.
You absolutely need and deserve the time to do you're job, your OH needs to provide childcare when ever not working and you are.

Your dh is a keyworker, who usually does your childcare as you are still eligible for childcare during all of this. If your current provider is closed the Early Years Department at your local council will be able to tell you who is open with spaces to help.

You’re the higher earner, your job matters more. Ask him what you’d do if you were fired because you couldn’t work because he won’t let you?

Sounds like you’re married to a total arsehole to be honest. Sorry.

He's being g selfish and lazy op, but I think you know that.

You need to sit him down and spell it out to him. You shouldn't be the 'default' parent, you are both 50/50 parents! If he doesn't react well it refuses to help you either decide to 'put up, or shut up'

For the posters saying they can get childcare because one is a keyworker, this is not the case.

Both my DP and I are keyworkers and when one of us works from home the DC have to stay at home with us. They are only permitted into childcare settings when no parent is at home (whether working or not)

OP - your husband is being thoroughly unreasonable. Yes parenting is hard, but tough. Can you go and sit in your car outside house to work or shut yourself away in the bedroom?

His comments about knowing to be quiet and do as you're told appear to be a way of controlling you with underlying threats or threatening body language. If you don't want to spend your time in the house treading on eggshells then you need to consider what level of respect and give and take is in your relationship and how comfortable and supported you feel

Usually they go to school and nursery on the days we're both working. Yes we could have requested to send them in as he's a key worker, but I'd rather not as we should all be keeping children home wherever possible. Also the nursery is closed so we'd have to use an unfamiliar one further away.

The more I think about it, the more I think it is very controlling behaviour and I shouldn't have to put up with it. I might suggest counselling, but I don't think he'll be up for it.

YANBU but take it from someone who WFH in 'normal' times - no one EVER really gets that working means focussing on your job, not running errands and requires the same presence and effort as working in an office.

I lose track of the times family interupt me working, just to chat, or make jokes about how my job is not really as hard as a 'proper' job.

I was thinking earlier on this morning about putting a bolt on the door to my home office (which is a posh name for a room that happens to have a desk in!).