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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wait to have a baby, or just go for it!?

41 replies

BenjiCat · 03/05/2020 19:46

Myself and my husband had many exciting plans in the diary for 2020 including running my first marathon, holidays with friends, parties, gigs, festivals etc. It was generally planned to be a bit of blow out year for ourselves, where we could have lots of fun and freedom with our friends and family before we decided to go for it and try for children.

However, as the lockdown and coronavirus madness continues (and looks to be this way for the forseeable future...) it hasn't really panned out that way! Pretty much all of our plans have been cancelled, postponed or generally had a question mark put beside them. Obviously we're disappointed, but we've actually been joking about how lockdown hasn't affected us day to day and we haven't been that upset about not socialising that much. We're quite enjoying pottering around and having lots of time at home with one another. We have quite an outdoorsy lifestyle anyhow (running and cycling) and love a bit of DIY. We're also quite content with watching Netflix and cooking at home, so I'm that sense it's suited us just fine.

So the connumdrum (or rather what this lockdown experience is making us seriously consider) should we just go for it and try to conceive now? We've always talked about having children, but other plans have always gotten in the way. Now there doesn't seem to be a reason not to. We've been together a long time, own our own home, have savings and both are in fairly secure jobs. The current situation could go on for a fairly long time and I'm not sure I want to keep putting off kids and waiting around to see 'what happens' over the next 18 months. Especially if our day to day freedom is going to be compromised anyhow!

Or should we stick to our original plan/s, try to squeeze in some of those final fun things (obviously seeing how lockdown goes), and see how the next year pans out/put off trying to conceive for a little longer? We both still have that fear of losing freedoms and not ticking off some final bucket list things while we still have the chance...

What would you do?

OP posts:
peperethecat · 03/05/2020 19:47

I would go for it. How old are you?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 03/05/2020 19:49

I wouldn’t want to have a baby or be pregnant until this is over. Too risky.

peperethecat · 03/05/2020 19:52

It might not be over for two years.

Meowandchoppychops · 03/05/2020 19:55

Go for it. You may not get pregnant straight away and not "trying" means you won't get stressed and put yourselves under pressure which seems to be a big barrier for a lot of couples. Besides if you do get pregnant, tiny babies are fairly easy to do things with especially if you babywear with a sling and breastfeed. Its a lot easier if you get one that lets you sleep (so far I've had one of each) my first didn't till she was about 3.5 years old and my second now 8 weeks is so far a doddle.

Bobbiepin · 03/05/2020 19:55

If you thought those things were important to do before planning I would hang around and wait until you can do them if your age allows that flexibility.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 03/05/2020 19:56

How old are you?

Original poster
BenjiCat · 03/05/2020 19:56

Exactly! What has made me really think is do I really want to put it off for another (potentially) couple of years? I'm kinda leaning towards no...

We're both in our early 30s.

OP posts:
Meowandchoppychops · 03/05/2020 20:00

Second what Bobbiepin said. Also depends on what you want to do and how old you are. I kept putting of kids because there were loads of things I wanted to do but sadly couldn't afford to so i decided to get on with having my family, wish I had done it earlier but I wasn't ready then. The things I want to be able to do I one day would like to do with my kids (mine are mostly water sports related and travelling around the UK and Europe) so no reason I couldn't do it all with kids when they are older.

Curiosity101 · 03/05/2020 20:02

I'm in two minds.

On the one hand - life is too short, putting things off sometimes removes the opportunity altogether.

On the other hand - I had a horrendous pregnancy and was in an out of the hospital from 24 weeks onwards. I barely kept it together as it was and that with with the support of my husband coming to visit/stay with me.

You can't predict anything in life though... On balance I think I'd go for it. But I'd go for it with my eyes wide open that pregnancy can throw you more than a few curveballs.

Meowandchoppychops · 03/05/2020 20:04

Oh I wanted to say I have lots of friends who have done marathons, renovated houses festivals etc with young kids (5 and under) and although it's not as straightforwards it's all still doable, just means more forward planning or getting extra support, an au pair for example, or a running buggy/bike pram add on, play pens and realising sometimes things will just take you longer to get done. If your partner doesn't work shift then it's all lot more doable.

YahBasic · 03/05/2020 20:05

We decided to go for it & I’m now 8 weeks pregnant.

We weighed up the pros and cons, and decided we didn’t want to put our life on hold.

givemecrisps · 03/05/2020 20:08

Go for it! I'm 32 and pregnant with my second child, 2 weeks to go! My son is 15 months old. Not the age gap we planned but that's how it turned out haha. We had a very active social life but I can say I honestly didn't have to give that much up for my son. We still go out for dinner as a couple, have been away for weekends etc alone. We are lucky we have our family close by but there really is still life after kids!

kayakingmum · 03/05/2020 20:10

Definitely try for a baby now. Sorry for putting a downer on things but women's fertility goes down quite quickly from the age of 30 (I had mine at 34 and 36) and I believe the risk of complications goes up. That's the main reason I wouldn't wait.

BirdieFriendReturns · 03/05/2020 20:12

I wouldn’t base your life decisions on someone on Mumsnet telling you not to have a baby.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 03/05/2020 20:13

Pls don’t believe you will have trouble conceiving, you do not know until you start trying.
Tbh it doesn’t sound like you want to change your lifestyle just yet- which is absolutely fine! A year won’t overly make a difference.

Lucylivesinamushroomhouse · 03/05/2020 20:15

I would say go for it but bear in mind that it’s going to be a weird time to have a baby (as it’s looking extremely unlikely that things will go back to normal in the next few months). You’ll probably have all your scans on your own which is a shame as seeing the baby on screen for the first time is such an exciting moment to share (and if all is not well you’ll miss his support). The birth might look a bit different too - I think different hospitals have different policies on birth partners being present.

Hopefully by then your family will be able to meet your baby but a lot of support groups (breastfeeding cafes, baby classes, playgroups) might not be starting up for a while, so it might be a more solitary maternity leave than at a different time. Just something to consider. Having a newborn can be intense and lonely and under normal circumstances I’d encourage anyone with a new baby to get out of the house and meeting other mums (plus having adult conversations) as much as possible, for sanity. I think new motherhood would be a lot tougher without those support networks.

I wouldn’t worry too much about the festivals and holidays. Babies are extremely portable. We took our eldest to all sorts of places including Japan and safari in Tanzania (easier with just one I have to say - we’re not quite as adventurous now we have 3 under the age of five.... but we’ll get there!). And it might be years before all those things return anyway. Get a running buggy and a bike seat/trailer and you will be able to do the outdoorsy things you love.

Good luck whatever you decide!

RoosterPie · 03/05/2020 20:16

It depends - ideally wait, not only so you can do your fun activities but also so you’re not pregnant in the pandemic (I am, and it’s no fun!) However, it’s different if you’re 31 and want one child to if you’re 33 and want 3 children. If it’s the latter, i wouldn’t wait as you don’t know how long you’ll be waiting.

Good luck whatever you decide!

MammytoElla · 03/05/2020 20:23

I would say go for it. Your life doesn’t stop because you have children. You can still have fun! You can still run marathons (get a running buggy 😃) go to gigs etc! Holidays would be different as you have a little one! You are only in your early 30s and have a long life ahead of you both and life needs to be fun!!

I don’t mean to be a Debbie downer but it took us nearly 3 years to conceive our daughter (both fit and healthy, had been together 15 years, stable jobs and mortgage, unexplained infertility)
It depends if you would regret not doing these things or you have gained a new perspective!
Only you both can decide!
🤞🤞 yous have no bother conceiving I wouldn’t wish that on anyone!!

Original poster
BenjiCat · 03/05/2020 20:24

@Lucylivesinamushroomhouse yes I'm actually quite excited about getting a running buggy when the time comes...! We think some aspects of our lifestyle now would probably be enhanced by having a little one with us.

@Curiosity101 yes there's definitely a part of me that thinks we can't put it off forever. There's never going to be a perfect time.

However, the other part of me thinks - are you bloody mad!? There's a bloody global pandemic going on and you want to go and have a baby! Plus you really wanted to get that marathon done first... Grin

OP posts:
NotJust3SmallWords · 03/05/2020 20:25

I'm in my early 30s and we have been trying for 9 months. We're still trying. I figure it's not happened yet and can we really afford to put it off for however long the coronavirus crisis might last. Obviously it's up to you and best of luck whatever you decide Smile

Italiangreyhound · 03/05/2020 20:28

I would just for it, if you feel ready.

"We both still have that fear of losing freedoms and not ticking off some final bucket list things while we still have the chance..."

Having children won't stop you doing lots of things, but lots of things could stop you having children. If you feel ready, go for it, IMHO.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 03/05/2020 20:28

OP start trying only if you are happy to be pregnant from tomorrow

Curiosity101 · 03/05/2020 20:32

There's a bloody global pandemic going on and you want to go and have a baby! Plus you really wanted to get that marathon done first

The pandemic would bother me much more than anything else on your list. Not just for the reasons I listed, but also because of the worry you could have. It's all well and good wanting to be pregnant, but if your anything like a lot of people are then you'll see that little 'plus' on the test and instantly have an overwhelming need to protect the baby. But you might be having that feeling mid pandemic... so it'll be slightly more justifiable.

All the other stuff you've said can definitely be done with kids, some while they're little and some when they're older and you're happy for them to go and have a 'holiday' with the grandparents (or go somewhere with childcare available).

I know plenty of parents that have done all the things you've listed. I just wouldn't expect to do them all in the very near future as babies are reasonably time-consuming.

Good luck with whatever you choose. Like I said, if it were me I reckon I would.

Hopeisnotastrategy · 03/05/2020 20:32

This is not all about you, it’s about another new, vulnerable human being.

(I’m getting a strong message the rest of your life is).

Sort yourself out first.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 03/05/2020 20:33

I wouldn't recommend waiting if you are already in your 30s but that's just from personal experience.