Wait to have a baby, or just go for it!?

[BenjiCat]

Myself and my husband had many exciting plans in the diary for 2020 including running my first marathon, holidays with friends, parties, gigs, festivals etc. It was generally planned to be a bit of blow out year for ourselves, where we could have lots of fun and freedom with our friends and family before we decided to go for it and try for children.

However, as the lockdown and coronavirus madness continues (and looks to be this way for the forseeable future...) it hasn't really panned out that way! Pretty much all of our plans have been cancelled, postponed or generally had a question mark put beside them. Obviously we're disappointed, but we've actually been joking about how lockdown hasn't affected us day to day and we haven't been that upset about not socialising that much. We're quite enjoying pottering around and having lots of time at home with one another. We have quite an outdoorsy lifestyle anyhow (running and cycling) and love a bit of DIY. We're also quite content with watching Netflix and cooking at home, so I'm that sense it's suited us just fine.

So the connumdrum (or rather what this lockdown experience is making us seriously consider) should we just go for it and try to conceive now? We've always talked about having children, but other plans have always gotten in the way. Now there doesn't seem to be a reason not to. We've been together a long time, own our own home, have savings and both are in fairly secure jobs. The current situation could go on for a fairly long time and I'm not sure I want to keep putting off kids and waiting around to see 'what happens' over the next 18 months. Especially if our day to day freedom is going to be compromised anyhow!

Or should we stick to our original plan/s, try to squeeze in some of those final fun things (obviously seeing how lockdown goes), and see how the next year pans out/put off trying to conceive for a little longer? We both still have that fear of losing freedoms and not ticking off some final bucket list things while we still have the chance...

What would you do?

I think only you can really know if the time is right. The only thing I would say is... I'm pregnant with my first and with everything that's going on it's been extremely difficult for me (personally) having to go to all my scans alone with the anxiety of something being wrong and being alone has been really hard at times. I want to be with my family especially my mum and I've accepted the fact that I may not even see her until the baby is born. I wanted to go shopping for the baby but it's all going to have to be online shopping. I wanted to see friends and show off my bump. I wanted to have my baby and know my partner can definitely be there for the birth as well as my mum... I also hope for my whole family and friends to meet the baby straight after birth. It's all uncertain and a bit sad at times. I couldn't be more grateful to be pregnant but it's not what I expected and hoped for. These things are really just minor in the grand scheme of things but it's whether or not you can accept that as your experience or just wait for maybe a more 'ideal' experience. Personally I think I would have waited had i of known but then again I wouldn't change the fact I'm pregnant now that I am.

The thing about training for a marathon is that you know what to do and how long it will take. You literally just put one foot in front of the other for a set number of weeks and barring any injuries you do your race and you get your medal.

When it comes to getting pregnant, there are no guarantees. You might find it's much easier than a marathon. It might just be a case of, you stop using contraception, you have sex a few times, four weeks later you're looking at a positive test and eight months after that you have a healthy baby. Or you might find it so long and hard and traumatic that you wish it was as easy as training for a marathon. You won't know until you try for a baby.

Right now you can't do any of the fun things you had planned because of coronavirus. All the marathons are going to be cancelled this year. Even if they go ahead next year all the super keen marathon runners will be champing at the bit for places. And they might not even go ahead next year. Marathons, gigs, festivals, parties, they're pretty much all off the agenda for the foreseeable future. Do you really want to sit at home and wait for all that stuff to be back on, and then go out and enjoy it for a year or so, and then try for a baby? If you could spend the next six months doing all the fun stuff and then try to conceive then it might be worth waiting, but since you can't, you might as well try to get pregnant.

You probably won't be able to have a baby in 10 years' time, but you probably will be able to put one foot in front of the other repeatedly and train for a marathon.

@Lulubon thanks for that perspective. They're really important points to consider and I can imagine it could feel a little like you'd be missing out on those experiences at the moment with everything going on.

@BenjiCat I think that's it. If you're happy to miss out on those things- they may not be important to you. A baby is a blessing no matter what but it's just something to think about I suppose.

Thanks everyone for yours views so far it is really welcomed. As others have also mentioned, the other worry is if we went for it and conceived, is it really that sensible right now? Part of me thinks the global picture will likely (hopefully / fingers crossed) be very different in a year, but what if it's not?

As a slightly different perspective, I've had four miscarriages and if I were pregnant again right now I wouldn't care about anything other than whether my baby was going to be OK this time.

I'm in a similar position. We were going to try for our second in June. We've decided to wait and will re-evaluate in August. I'm conscious that if we wait for this to pass it could be two years or more but I think it's still early days as far as the trajectory of this virus goes so I want to know more first. I'm not sure if August will be the right time or not for us but I hope we'll know more by then to take a view. I'm also early 30s and keen to get a move on now as DS is nearly 4. It's taken me a while to feel read for a second and we've had to wait more recently as I changed roles at work and needed to find my feet before going off on mat leave.

I'm pregnant after a long road and I'm happy about it. I'm okay with doing stuff alone, not sharing my experience, not going to antenatal classes with other new mums, not going baby shopping, maybe not being able to show baby off when/if it gets here. I'm 40 so can't wait either. If however for you the sharing and cute baby type stuff is a wanted part of your experience you could wait a few months to see how things will go in the world. You could use these months to already start with vitamins and preparing your body and mind for pregnancy. The time doesn't have to be wasted. There is a lot to read up on if you want to inform yourself about pregnancy, birth and parenting.

@helia that's interesting about reevaluating in a couple of months. As you say it's quite early in the trajectory of the virus, maybe we will know more soon and can make a better informed decision.

I imagine many others who were thinking about conceiving in the next year time are having similar thoughts and worries.

If you want to do a marathon, Run for the World have virtual marathon challenges. You'd be running it alone but you'd get a medal at the end and small entry fee goes to charity! I know a lot of people who signed up after London and Tokyo were cancelled.

If you are already in your thirties get on and do it. My NCT group, most of us were 31/32 having the first one. Not too many issues.

Number 2 however... we are all that bit older and it's been a different story.

3 girls have had miscarriages (2 girls had one each, 1 girl had 3). All have eventually managed a second but its not been easy.

The 3 oldest girls haven't managed to conceive a second after 2 years of trying - ones been told she's perimenopausal, a second hasn't been tested but thinks she is too.

1 girl conceived quickly and had a second.

The youngest girl in the group has had some health issues which have delayed her trying for a second.

Don't believe all the people talking about their easy pregnancies in late thirties and early forties.... they are the lucky ones, your odds are much better sooner.

@BenjiCat I definitely agree with the thoughts/worries. My baby is 8 months and our plan was to start trying when he's 12 months. As it stands we're going to just wait and see nearer the time.

I second @walkingchuckydoll with respect to preparing yourself. Personally I wouldn't worry so much about learning/education but I absolutely would focus on your physical health.

You can start taking folic acid as your body will store some of it away.

You can also make sure you're having a good healthy and high iron diet. Anemia is very common in pregnancy and sucks all the energy out of you. Your body will give your iron away to the baby so getting yourself prepped is a good plan. Especially as you could end up with bad nausea/sickness etc.

There's also your overall health, it sounds like you're probably pretty fit. But there's so much research that points towards the overall health (weight, cardiovascular, and strength) of the mother having a positive effect on the outcome of pregnancy (easier pregnancies, easier labour, quicker recoveries).

I've said YANBU, but I suppose depends a little on circumstances. If family are in not nearby and wouldn't have regular involvement, or are not in shielded groups so might be able to come visit once lockdown eases slightly, it's easier than if you have shielded parents who may have to stay away from you for a long while and it might be sad for them to miss a newborn. If your parents aren't shielded, I would expect they will be able to visit in 9 months' time - if they are, not 100% sure. It might be a bit sad to have kids if you might lose out on support due to social distancing, but if not you may want to go for it anyway.

I am pregnant at the moment and between lack of face to face appointments and being sent to different places, long waits for scans etc. All on top of the obvious worry it isn't the best experience right now

However, I am still thrilled and at least with severe sickness my dh is working from home to help out a bit more and I have a bit more time to rest than usual.

We had our dd before doing some bucket list things and I wouldn't change that for the world, you can do things after you have had the baby like the marathons and have family adventures together which is even more special. If you have relatives who may help out care for your child so you get some couple time or find a good babysitter then you just work around a new normal and it doesn't really stop you doing anything, just puts things on hold. If that's fine for you and you feel like you can cope with uncertainty and possible pregnancy during covid (for instance partners not going to scans) then I'd say go for it as you don't know how long it will take to conceive

It's definitely a conversation to have together, and consider how you'd feel with less appointments or partner not coming to scans. Pregnancy is a really anxious time without covid. For instance not getting heartbeat checked if 16week appointments are over the phone.. You spend many weeks between appointments or scans which can be worrying enough but a lot easier to cope with if you have face to face appointments or can nip to your gp rather than over the phone.

We don't know what the future holds, how long it will go on for, what it'll be like in 9 months and life needs to go on

I'd probably wait six months and re evaluate. You might change your mind back.

Also, maternity care isn't great at the minute. Some women are being denied previously agreed elective sections, some women who are having miscarriages feel unsupported and are not getting the usual support that they would.

I'm 29 weeks pregnant and find midwife appts with all the PPE etc weird and some appts have been cancelled, others by phone and it's been really quite distressing at times because I've fallen through a gap a few times eg. Perinatal referral and GTT. There are no antenatal classes either, NCT is all online and so I haven't bothered with that. Obviously I've made do, but it has added an extra layer of anxiety. I think my main fear would be having a miscarriage or an ectopic and feeling unsupported/worried I wouldn't get the level of care I need. I work in an NHS hospital, so am probably a bit more black and white about it than most.

@Echobelly are family are not nearby to us. If we had a baby it would be 100% ourselves except for when they visit us occasionally for a weekend. Thankfully they're not shielding at the moment due to health conditions, but again definitely would want them to visit when they can and would be sad if all of this stopped that.

@EnglishRain again lots to think about thank you.