To be irritated at my partner

[Tiredmumma89]

He works 60 hours a week. He's an amazing dad. I am going to start working again in a year when my son is in some sort of childcare (corna dependant)

Everyday I get up. I care for the two kids. I do everyone's washing. I make everyone's food. I bath the kids. I make sure we have food and milk etc. I hoover and try and keep the house tidy. I know this is all balanced because I'm at home with the kids and he works. I also do school runs etc.

But what is really really irritating me in this lockdown (more than usual) Is my job is to pick up after 3 messy people. My partner's not lazy as in He works hard. He will wash up after tea. Occasionally he doesn't bother and I put the kids to bed and he chills watching Tele and falls asleep. But he's lazy as in he's so tired after working, so he spends most of his weekends wanting to sit. He will never move first. He will never start the chores first. He has a burst occasionally of energy. He doesn't massively take pride in the garden. He cuts the grass and that's it done weeks. I wish some days he just got up early and painted the fences or cleaned the windows. (The jobs I can't do with the kids) sorted the garden.

I've realised lately that I'm chasing my tail constantly. I've got a very messy five year old. I am trying so hard to get her to tidy up an activity before walking away. But it's impossible. She won't learn. I've got a two year old who's less messy but still makes mess. Nobody in the house can find the wash basket. Nobody can put a wrapper straight in the bin. The mess means I can never just get on with mopping, dusting and wiping. Which means it only gets a basic clean and the big jobs like wiping woodwork down and washing curtains never gets done.

I feel like walking out. My partner said he would take the kids for a walk so I could get on. I ended up having a go at him. I told him that him enjoying a walk for an hour whilst I try and sort everyone's mess out won't help. Itl be longer than an hour. It is at least four hours work. I need his help with it. Then he went upstairs and started sorting out our sons bedroom. I mopped the bathroom and then I heard him mumble he felt shit. I asked why. He said he felt sickly and tired. I pointed out he sits up watching family guy until midnight. He's never tired when we go to bed. Then he's tired all day.

I could cry. I have had enough!!! I'm not a horrible partner to him. I'm just describing my current mood.

I am sick of clearing up everyone's crap!!!!

you are both working long hours in a difficult time, stop beating yourself up about things, he is helping you to a degree and you can make a game of it to get the dc involved in basic tidying, but dp needs to tidy his own stuff up though.
at least this lockdown isn't going to last forever.

He's an amazing dad
The MN classic, clearly he’s not!!!

Which means it only gets a basic clean and the big jobs like wiping woodwork down and washing curtains never gets done.

In the nicest possible way, who does these normally? Who washes the windows on a regular basis unless you are a window cleaner?

I don’t think this is your DH being lazy, I think this us you having much higher than usual expectations about what is normal cleaning.

I work 40 hrs and I’m shattered at the weekends. I’m like your DH, I just want to sit and relax and he does far more hours than me. I also haven’t washed my curtains ever.

Op I hear you. When I was with now exh our home was messy (lots of dc), he would stand and tidy the cutlery drawer!! He had no vision of mess. And if he did certainly no inclination to tidy it. Yet if the HV or guest arrived he would stand holding a dc as if he had washed +dressed it.
The image of lack of responsibility stuck.
And my cutlery drawer is messy because I am a rebel..
The dc are nc because he played no part in their day to day care /keeping of our family +home. He was all for show.

I try and wash them 1-2 times a year. Windows are covered in hand prints so once a month they need a clean on the inside.

He is a good dad. He does alot for our kids. I just want us as a team to tidy as we go. It's so hard to do everyone's tidying constantly just for it to be undone.

It will be the lockdown getting to me. I just feel it's all I battle every day.

It sounds like he needs to take more initiative where the cleaning is concerned.

Also “he’s never the first to move” - is this when the kids need something attending to? I know this drove me mad with exh when we had toddlers.

Its little things like on a weekend. We all get up and sit having breakfast. I'll go get ready for the day (before lockdown) and he will sit watching something on Tele and the kids are destroying the place. I just wish he would open the curtains and do the breakfast pots.

I've just realised that for for the last three years I've been in this battle. I've been asking myself why it always falls apart. I can list all the things I do each day.

Wash the pots
Get the kids dressed
Put the washer on and hang it out
Put the toys in the toybox. Take all rubbish and paper to the bins. Take the rubbish out.
Hoover the floor
Put washing in the stairs to take up.
Sit down have Lunch.

An hour later the drawing stuffs everywhere. Theres toys everywhere. The nearly folded clothes are tipped over.

If I go upstairs to clean the bathroom then my five year old starts making a mess. She likes picking up blankets and bringing dolls and teddies down. Then she goes stroppy when I say take it back up when she's finished. Then she draws and throws paper everywhere.

I do try so hard to supervise her and keep up but it's so hard with a toddler. My partner's messy with his office at home. He throws his clothes on the bathroom floor. He takes a coffee upstairs and doesn't bring the mug down. He falls asleep downstairs some nights. He leaves his trainers in the living room. Just little irritating things everyday on top of kids making mess.

Also struggle to get washing away. I never get 15 mintues. The kids follow me mostly. Or their bedrooms are a tip and I can't get to the wardrobes. Twice a month I blitz their bedrooms. It is destroyed within a day.

I have decluttered. I have got storage boxes. I have given bags of clothes to charity. I have tried so hard. It's clearly just the people I am living with.

I'm not ocd or overly tidy either. But I would like to be able to invite a friend in after the school run without thinking I can't. My windows are filthy. Theres washing and toys everywhere. The kitchen needs a scrub. DD has destroyed the dining room with her crafts.

I've tried so hard with her craft stuff too. She loves drawing and it's not something I want to ban her from as she can be so creative

Sorry for my rambling. I just can't work out how I can put all the hours in and have nothing to show

Hi OP, I don't have a solution because our house is a tip half the time too! But decluttering is definitely a big one for us and everything that's left having 'a place'. That's a work in progress but every time we sorry that it for another 'type' of thing it gets better. Also selling a load of court at the moment.

Yes your DH should try not to leave shoes and cups around but there may have to be some small things like that that you each have to let go of for the other while both making an effort as much as possible. Life is long.

As for the DC, you have more control. Little things like putting your DD's toys/drawing supplies out of reach so that she can only get them down with your help, which you will only give once the last thing is tidied away. If they're following you around, great, they can 'help' with whatever task you're doing. It will take 10x as long for the first million times you do it together but as they grow, you can put on a 5 minute toner, one can wash down the sink while you clean the bath and the other picks up the dirty clothes and puts them in the basket. Done in 5 seconds flat, lots of praise followed by a treat for all of you.

None of this is a complete solution but just some ideas.

OP,

Your 5 year old sounds like a right little madam, who pays NO attention to you.

Why is that?
Why does she not listen.
Wy does she go on to the next fun thing if she hasn't cleaned up.
This is basic.

Put away loads of her stuff.
Sit her down and tell her to stat cleaning up.
If she doesn't.
She does nothing else.
Get rid of lots of really messy stuff.
Tell her why.
You teach children from a young age to clean up after themselves.
They rarely like it.
But you insist.
You follow through.
They get the message.
Be consistent and stick to it.

I would also say anyone throwing any papers and clothes on the ground i would insist they pick up.
Stop doing the laundry.
Tell them that the laundry will not be done until it is put into the laundry basket.

You need to firm up.

Two children being allowed to be messy will not get better until you lay dow some reasonable rules.

Good luck.

I would suggest giving everyone their own little chores to do and once they are done then they get to play but also have to tidy toys away afterwards, , i used to give mine the socks and pants to hang on the clothes rack they loved it. Your husband is probably so tired that he can't focus on which jobs to do, so maybe just give him a couple on a list not too much if he's doing long hours but every little helps.
You know what they say... many hands make light work.

Trying to be nice. Yes your dh needs to do more to help but you need to do less. There is no need to hoover every day or wash the windows once a month. See what you can cut down. Your dh might have low standards and yours might be high. Is there a middle ground you can meet at

Is there space for a dishwasher?

You'd be surprised just how much time and mess it saves, just to be able to bung everything in there, rather than stand doing several bowls of washing and drying up.

Are the places for putting dirty washing and shoes logical? If shoes have to go upstairs, but they're taken off downstairs, it makes more sense to have somewhere to put them where they are being taken off. Is there a linen bin in the bathroom for things to be dropped into, or do they then have to be picked up and carried somewhere else?

Putting piles of clothes on the stairs is a trip hazard and gives them more chance to be knocked down again. It's more logical to put them into a basket, take the basket straight upstairs and deal with them once, instead of 3/4 times.

If DD does craft and drawing in the dining room, why not keep a crate in there (under the table is fine), so everything can be swept straight back into it as soon as she's finished or gets distracted?

If you're doing multiple washloads a day, every day, you've probably got too many clothes. One outfit for each of four people (two being extremely small), possibly one set of work clothes and a couple of teatowels isn't enough to fill a machine.

Take wrappers off food before giving it to them. Have fewer packaged snacks in the first place. Have bins strategically placed for mess.

Have a basket for toys to be chucked into and taken back upstairs.

Op do you do any paid work if your DH is doing 60 hours a week that’s more than most. You should really be able to keep a house reasonably clean whilst looking after two children.

So either your standards are too high or you have a problem with the five year old. I can guarantee you she doesn’t behave like this at school, how do you think a teacher copes with 30 children? If your two year old still has a daytime sleep can’t you let the five year old watch tv whilst you have a clean up?

60 hours a week? Get a cleaner and give the guy a fucking break!

60 hours a week is 20 hours a week more than standard full time hours - no wonder he's exhausted.

Something has to give here. Presumably your five year old has been at school until very recently so why haven't you been able to manage? I could understand if this is only a problem during lockdown but it sounds like it pre dates that. Could you not keep on top of the house while she was at school?

Windows are covered in hand prints so once a month they need a clean on the inside.

No. You can jUst ignore them you know.

I know you’re stressed and I know you’re tired, but you are looking for problems here where they don’t really exist and making them in your head.

And yes, sort your 5 year old out! Stick the tidy up song on (it will be on YouTube) and let her crack on - that’s what she will be used to at school.

@mitzik has some awesome advice and I'll be kicking a few of those ideas myself!

Tidy up song. YouTube it. Every school child knows it and it works!
Tell your man child to start helping or he’ll be left with no clean socks or cutlery and go on strike.

So your partner works one around twenty more hours a week more than most people and you are complaining that your windows are dirty and your fences need painting?
You say that your five year old is messy???

You do come across as feeling that being a SAHM is an onerous task.
Paint the fence yourself while you put the children to a simple gardening task or play in the garden.
Wipe the windows while your children watch telly. Washing clothes just involves putting them in a machine.
What do you mean by making everyone’s food? Give yourself a break by heating up pre cooked food, eg pizza once a week. Lunch should be a simple affair.
Making sure you have milk etc... can be easily sorted by a daily exercise via a local shop, home delivery or asking your partner to pick up on his way home.
You say that your children are messy... deal with it. Put the ‘Time to Tidy Up’ song on from YouTube, your children, particularly your five year old, should be able to tidy up. If your children get something out, they should be taught to put it away before getting something else out.

I honestly don’t know why you can’t do the jobs that you want your overworked partner to do.

You say that you want to return to work next year... who is going to do these jobs that you can’t manage?

I had sympathy but you lost me on washing your curtains twice a year!!! That’s totally ridiculous and suggests that you have an unhealthy cleaning obsession

You're a mum and a wife, not a cleaner. He should do his fair share.

And why is a five year old destroying the house? She’s old enough to know that drawing is at the table etc

He's not an amazing dad. That's just the lie you tell yourself to try and survive this shit situation.

He throws his clothes on the bathroom floor.

Every single time he does this he is telling you, "I have no respect for you".

Why do you expect your children to pick up after themselves when their dad spends all day every day teaching them it's not necessary because you can make a mess and mum will tidy it up?