To be irritated at my partner

[Tiredmumma89]

He works 60 hours a week. He's an amazing dad. I am going to start working again in a year when my son is in some sort of childcare (corna dependant)

Everyday I get up. I care for the two kids. I do everyone's washing. I make everyone's food. I bath the kids. I make sure we have food and milk etc. I hoover and try and keep the house tidy. I know this is all balanced because I'm at home with the kids and he works. I also do school runs etc.

But what is really really irritating me in this lockdown (more than usual) Is my job is to pick up after 3 messy people. My partner's not lazy as in He works hard. He will wash up after tea. Occasionally he doesn't bother and I put the kids to bed and he chills watching Tele and falls asleep. But he's lazy as in he's so tired after working, so he spends most of his weekends wanting to sit. He will never move first. He will never start the chores first. He has a burst occasionally of energy. He doesn't massively take pride in the garden. He cuts the grass and that's it done weeks. I wish some days he just got up early and painted the fences or cleaned the windows. (The jobs I can't do with the kids) sorted the garden.

I've realised lately that I'm chasing my tail constantly. I've got a very messy five year old. I am trying so hard to get her to tidy up an activity before walking away. But it's impossible. She won't learn. I've got a two year old who's less messy but still makes mess. Nobody in the house can find the wash basket. Nobody can put a wrapper straight in the bin. The mess means I can never just get on with mopping, dusting and wiping. Which means it only gets a basic clean and the big jobs like wiping woodwork down and washing curtains never gets done.

I feel like walking out. My partner said he would take the kids for a walk so I could get on. I ended up having a go at him. I told him that him enjoying a walk for an hour whilst I try and sort everyone's mess out won't help. Itl be longer than an hour. It is at least four hours work. I need his help with it. Then he went upstairs and started sorting out our sons bedroom. I mopped the bathroom and then I heard him mumble he felt shit. I asked why. He said he felt sickly and tired. I pointed out he sits up watching family guy until midnight. He's never tired when we go to bed. Then he's tired all day.

I could cry. I have had enough!!! I'm not a horrible partner to him. I'm just describing my current mood.

I am sick of clearing up everyone's crap!!!!

@user1635482648

Why do you expect your children to pick up after themselves when their dad spends all day every day teaching them it's not necessary

I thought he was at work 60 hours a week 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think this man is overworked and maybe needs to drop a few hours. Maybe then he could focus on other things instead of just being so tired. He's a good Dad too as OP has confirmed this.
He sounds like one of the good guys.

He works 60 hours a week, you don't work. Yes, the majority of the house and kid stuff should fall to you. If it grates on you that much, and can afford it, get a cleaner in after corona. In the meantime, teach your child to put away one lot of toys before getting out others.

Get a dishwasher.

I never understand why people complain about washing clothes; my DM complained constantly when we were all at home. You put them in a machine and press a button. For an hour or so, they aren’t causing bother.

Your five year old will not behave like this at school so don’t allow her to now. I was a messy child (now a messy adult ), one day my mum put all my crap in a bin bag and threatened to chuck it. I learned to put things away sharpish after that.

Wiping down woodwork? Washing curtains? Nope. If I wanted my windows doing, I’d make sure I asked my window cleaner.

DH is retired and does the vast majority of housework. I’d get a cleaner otherwise. I’m like your DH, mess doesn’t bother me so it wouldn’t be the first thing I’d think to do when I had some spare time.

He works 60 hours a week,so does my dh but he also does his fair share,I don’t have to ask either But that only happened after I went on strike!

I’d say if he is working 60 hours a week every week then give the man a break! You should encourage your daughter to clean up after herself and then maybe just wait until the children are in bed and have a quick whizz round then join him to chill on the sofa!

But this is coming from someone who has never ever washed the curtains🤷🏼‍♀️

OP - I have 4 dc’s and I get it. When they were little they were like whirlwinds of mess and I used to cry of an evening sometimes as I was so tired and sick of cleaning up other people’s crap. Also have a dh like yours (except mine doesn’t even wash the pots! )

They’re older now and honestly it gets easier. The teens rooms are messy but I just go in once a fortnight to change their linen and hoover and I leave them to it - if they want to live amongst mess that’s up to them and the more I’ve backed off the better they’ve become at putting things in the bin, clothes in the wash basket etc.

And you know what OP? I’m at the age where I feel very nostalgic about when my dc’s were young and my biggest regret is not playing with them more. They grow so fast and I really wish I’d been less bothered about everything being clean and tidy and more bothered about actually spending time playing with them. I don’t remember playing with them much at all and that saddens me.

@ANoiseAnnoys
I agree, you do look back to when your kids were young and want to be in that moment again playing and laughing, they are the good times and the memories that we cherish.

I've got an almost 5 year old and a 2 year old.

The 2 year old isn't great at keeping things tidy but knows the basic rules, rubbish into the bin, food eaten at the table, drawing stuff at the table and lids back on pens.

The 4 year old will definitely try and get away with leaving the toys all over the floor but I don't let her, she isn't allowed snacks/tv/tablet/play in garden unless she has tidied them up. I put away washing at bath times usually, either while they are in the bath or while it's running and we are all upstairs. I clean the inside of windows or wipe the woodwork or radiators while they are up and about, it doesn't take long so I'm not sure why you can't do it? Do they both need your undivided attention at all times?

With regards to your husband. Don't pick up after him. Just because he works 60 hours it doesn't mean he can show such disrespect by dropping his clothes where he feels and leaving his dirty pots around and expecting you to pick them up. Either just leave it where it is or pick it all up and leave it in his office or his side of the bed so it's not in your sight line all the time.

You said you'd like to be able to invite people in after the school run but can't because of the mess. Well the 5 year old must have been in school all day, your DH at work so it's only you and the 2 year old. Surely that gives you time to get most things under control? My 2 year old hasn't napped since he turned 1 and was always super clingy but I still managed to get stuff done.

Wash the pots - leave them for the Dh to do after work.
Get the kids dressed - the 5 year old needs to be pretty much dressing herself and you could then just focus on the toddler.
Put the washer on and hang it out - get your children to help you.
Put the toys in the toybox. - your children can do this.

Take all rubbish and paper to the bins. Take the rubbish out. - your DH could do this ever other turn.
Hoover the floor - change this to weekly
Put washing in the stairs to take up.
Sit down have Lunch.

If he works 60 hours a week he either works (say) 9-5.30 Mon-Sun, or 8am-8pm Mon-Fri! Either way you need to cut him some slack, no wonder he’s tired. Not being able to sleep can be a sign of stress. Also who washes their curtains?! You should get a cleaner.

I’m sure if his side of the story was put on a different forum everyone would be siding with him tbh...

Why does your dh work 60 hours a week?
It's a serious question.
Is he working from home?
You can't expect a 5 year old to put there things away if they see their dad leaving stuff about.
Good advice regarding having a basket to scoop toys into.
Could you have a cupboard or box for All the craft stuff or a tool kit to put pens/paper/scissors/glue in .
Stop doing so much cleaning and tidying up.so
Ease off on the laundry. Nobody is seeing or caring how you dress.
I've been pleased to see more women in practical 'walking' clothing and less scary eyebrows in all honesty.
Nobody cares if your windows have handprints on them. Nobody is seeing it.
Try your best to chill out, easier said than done. Try and enjoy doing crafts with your child.
Tell your dh what is happening.
Eg. I'm going for a shower and to get dressed. Dd wants to play with her teddies, you will find them in her toy box in her bedroom. Make sure they are out away before she starts another activity.

I wouldn't let 5yo do any activity or have snacks, meals unless they have tidied up previous activity. Sit them down and explain that anything left out at the end of the day will not be there to play with the next day. Lock them in the shed or something so they can be earned back. Leave husbands clothes where he drops them. Leave all his stuff where he does.

I mean lock the toys in the shed BTW, not the child 😂

1. Could you make a separate play room for the kids that they would be in charge of tidying? Or a small corner of the house? I expect my three year old to tidy up her toys at the end of (nearly) every day. When she crafts she is expected to tidy up herself. She enjoys doing it. You need to encourage it. Dont just do it for them.
2. Get in a window cleaner to do your windows
3. Make your house a no-shoes home. It will massively decrease the dirt. Plus your husband wont leave his shoes in the living room anymore! I only hoover once a week the whole house and mop. Sometimes living room and kitchen twice and the hall but no more.
4. Keep up with the decluttering and minimalism! No need for many toys!
5. Dont expect your husband to be doing any DIY! 60 hours a week is a lot. Let him enjoy his walks with the kids. Cleaning up to you!
6. Buy a small cleaning set toy for your kods and she will help you when ur cleaning!