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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To move DS away without saying anything?

53 replies

Whatisthisfuckery · 02/05/2020 09:29

Hi, me and DS are moving back up to my home town. It’s much cheeper to live, I have my family for support and there’s really nothing for us where we live to make us stay.

I don’t know if I have to tell DS’s father or not. He only lives 5 minutes walk away but despite that doesn’t speak to or contact DS. I stopped contact between them a couple of years ago because I found out just how bad DS’s dad’s drinking had become. Later it transpired that he’d been violent to DS regularly and basically got pissed when he was there and completely neglected him. I shouldn’t have been surprised really, he was violent and abusive to me as well, but naively I thought he’d be different with his child, the child he always wanted. Also SS have said DS can’t see his dad without supervision which DS’s dad has never tried to arrange.

I’m scared that if I tell him he’ll try to stop us moving. I don’t think this is very likely as he’s not taken me to court over access but he’s the kind of man who would try to veto it just to get at me. I’m scared that if I don’t tell him the council in my home town will check with him that he gives DS permission to start school and he’ll say no.

On the school application form it asks who has PR, and if both parents give their permission. I don’t know whether to lie and say he does, not put him on at all, or tell them permission hasn’t been sought. I don’t like being dishonest but I will if I think I’ll get away with it on this occasion. This i’ve is one we really need to make.

Has anybody ever moved their DC away from an awkward father and if so, what did you do? Did the council ask you about PR on the school application and did they check? Should I risk telling him or not, and if I have to, what if he plays up? Help!

OP posts:

StripeyLurcher · 02/05/2020 09:35

I haven't been in this situation myself but I would move without telling him and then sort the details out later.

TeddyBeans · 02/05/2020 09:36

I don't know the legality of it but I've seen lots of posts about moving first, getting the child settled in school and then telling the ex because a court is less likely to demand you move back if the child is already settled...

I'm not saying you should do that, but it's what I've seen be suggested. Take this as a small bump so hopefully someone more knowledgeable sees your post!

MysteryFrog · 02/05/2020 09:39

If you tell him before hand he might try to stop you.

School should be fine, I imagine there’s plenty of kids who have a parent with PR who’s chosen not to have contact with them (unfortunately). Often in those situations the parent who lives with the child won’t even know where the other parent lives or how to contact them so the school should be fairly flexible in that area I imagine.

noavailablename · 02/05/2020 09:40

Can you just inform the school that there is no contact due to abuse? You don't need to give them his contact details.
I agree that you should just leave quickly and quietly. He probably won't notice.

opticaldelusion · 02/05/2020 09:42

Just move and let him do the legal bit to establish a relationship. I doubt he will. No one in any authority ever asked me whether the other parent gives permission for anything. If he has PR then don't lie about that but once you start at a particular school, you can explain that he's estranged and isn't allowed to see his son. Just don't give the school his contact details. You might not even know them anyway. He won't be the first child they've seen in this situation.

Cotswolds10 · 02/05/2020 09:54

My friend moved her child 200 miles away and never said a word. He never came looking and that was years ago. But nor was he paying CSM. Didn’t put the father’s details on school/GPforms etc. Just said he wasn’t in their lives. If you flag abuse to the school, they may feel duty-bound to contact social services to get background. Unless DS needs additional support in school as a result of the abuse he suffered, I wouldn’t offer this info at the point of registering. Get settled first. Important for he school to have the info at some point though. Good luck.

madcatladyforever · 02/05/2020 09:56

Why on earth would you tell him?

FudgeBrownie2019 · 02/05/2020 09:58

Just move. I'm all for positive relationships with Exes wherever possible but this man isn't your child's father in the sense that he has anything to do with him, let alone a relationship.

Get yourself settled and handle it later if it comes.

CelestialSpanking · 02/05/2020 10:01

Honestly? Just move. He’s not seeing your child anyway for good reason and even if you told him, he tried to stop you by taking it to court the chances of a judge siding with him are pretty much nil because of his own actions.

PanamaPattie · 02/05/2020 10:04

Go ahead and move. He won’t even notice. Don’t mention him on any school paperwork etc. Enjoy your new life.

Cherrysoup · 02/05/2020 10:08

Go, family support is incredibly important.

Original poster

Whatisthisfuckery · 02/05/2020 10:08

Well yes, he doesn’t contact DS and DS wants nothing to do with him, and DS is 12.5 so old enough for the courts to take account of his wishes. Also if he tried to take it to court a report would be sought from SS, and their opinion of him is not high. He pays no CMS. He also doesn’t know our current address. We had to move last summer because my previous LL was selling up, and despite living 5 minutes walk away he doesn’t know our address and agreed not to have it when we signed the consent order for the divorce, which he dragged out for 6.5 years for no reason till I took him to court.

No judge in the land would look at our circumstances and insist we stay here, or move back here. I’m just worried about any questions that might be asked by the council in my home town and how to handle that. Wen we leave DS’s father won’t even know because there’s no contact, unless of course they want to chase him up. I’m just wondering how likely that is and what to do about it.

OP posts:

PanamaPattie · 02/05/2020 10:10

I’m confused. Why would the council contact him?

SleeplessWB · 02/05/2020 10:11

I do admissions at my school. Only one parent needs to apply and it is up to them who else they want to put on the contact details. If his details aren't on there, no-one will be able to contact him.

Original poster

Whatisthisfuckery · 02/05/2020 10:13

I’ve already secured a lovely house which is twice the size of our tiny flat and we had ve a moving date set. School applications are suspended for the time being due to Covid so that will buy me some time. I suppose if I’m already moved in then they’ll have to educate DS as I’ll have nowhere else to go anyway. I’ll have to start the application as soon as they reopen but even then it will take time, and the moving date is in 6 weeks, so unless they raise questions very early it won’t matter. Still, I’m worried about how to handle it. I don’t want to lie but I will if there will be no recriminations.

OP posts:

Davespecifico · 02/05/2020 10:13

Do it first and look into what his dad needs to know, further down the line. Doesn’t seem from what everyone her has said that that will be a problem.

Cam2020 · 02/05/2020 10:16

Do what's best for you and your son. Moving is difficult enough as it is without worrying whether your ex is going to muddy the waters for you. SS have intervened against him, hopefully that should speak volumes if he tries to be difficult after the fact. Get on with your lives and don't look back.

Good luck!

Ponoka7 · 02/05/2020 10:17

You answer any questions honestly. SS were involved after the split because of neglect on his part and he is in no contact with your Son.

You won't have any issues because of your Son's age. If he does crawl out of the woodwork, it's easily sorted out.

Wilmalovescake · 02/05/2020 10:19

You’ll be fine. Just put yourself down as parent and don’t mention him.

TwistyHair · 02/05/2020 10:20

Just move. Don’t tell him. Inform the school after.

Oliversmumsarmy · 02/05/2020 10:23

Will he even notice you have gone

TheLadyAnneNeville · 02/05/2020 10:24

Move. Go where you can get the support you and your son need. Your ex will have no idea then, how tough it can be bringing up children on your own. I did this. I never regretted it. I wish you well

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/05/2020 10:29

Do you think the move will be good for your ds’s mental health? A clean break away from his violent father and toward family, who love him. If you do, perhaps this would be your argument for moving. I have never been through this situation. However, I don’t think anything good could come of letting your ex know. It would seem to me a little like opening the door again.

HedgehogHotel · 02/05/2020 10:30

I would just carry on and move quietly.

ANoiseAnnoys · 02/05/2020 10:30

No I definitely wouldn’t tell him, why would you? He hasn’t bothered with your son for 2 years and was violent towards him! Just move and when/if the time comes you can inform him. He may never get in touch anyway. And at that point no court or judge is going to make you move back.

Don’t understand why you would even consider telling him tbh.

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