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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move DS away without saying anything?

53 replies

Whatisthisfuckery · 02/05/2020 09:29

Hi, me and DS are moving back up to my home town. It’s much cheeper to live, I have my family for support and there’s really nothing for us where we live to make us stay.

I don’t know if I have to tell DS’s father or not. He only lives 5 minutes walk away but despite that doesn’t speak to or contact DS. I stopped contact between them a couple of years ago because I found out just how bad DS’s dad’s drinking had become. Later it transpired that he’d been violent to DS regularly and basically got pissed when he was there and completely neglected him. I shouldn’t have been surprised really, he was violent and abusive to me as well, but naively I thought he’d be different with his child, the child he always wanted. Also SS have said DS can’t see his dad without supervision which DS’s dad has never tried to arrange.

I’m scared that if I tell him he’ll try to stop us moving. I don’t think this is very likely as he’s not taken me to court over access but he’s the kind of man who would try to veto it just to get at me. I’m scared that if I don’t tell him the council in my home town will check with him that he gives DS permission to start school and he’ll say no.

On the school application form it asks who has PR, and if both parents give their permission. I don’t know whether to lie and say he does, not put him on at all, or tell them permission hasn’t been sought. I don’t like being dishonest but I will if I think I’ll get away with it on this occasion. This i’ve is one we really need to make.

Has anybody ever moved their DC away from an awkward father and if so, what did you do? Did the council ask you about PR on the school application and did they check? Should I risk telling him or not, and if I have to, what if he plays up? Help!

OP posts:
user1635482648 · 02/05/2020 10:33

He's not an "awkward father", he's a "violent and abusive father".

You need to be clear with your language of people are to understand and be able to respond appropriately - e.g. If you sought a solicitor's advice, saying he was "awkward" rather than abusive would get you inaccurate and dangerous advice.

Did you have support and/or therapy to process his abuse?

Butterfly02 · 02/05/2020 10:33

I moved over a year ago now, Ds15 has no contact with Father (13+ years) even though we only lived a mile apart.
When we moved I never gave his father's details out and just wrote on the forms (no contact) I have never once been asked. Even when I went through the appeals process for school I was never asked. It surprised me but was a big relief.

CrystalTipped · 02/05/2020 10:48

it asks who has PR, and if both parents give their permission. I don’t know whether to lie and say he does, not put him on at all, or tell them permission hasn’t been sought.

I wouldn't lie that he gives permission, if you act like he has involvement they will probably want his contact details.

Don't put his name or anything identifying on the form. Just say you lost contact with him years ago due to abuse and ss offered supervised contact which he turned down.

thedancingbear · 02/05/2020 10:49

You need to be very careful about declaring that your ex has given permission where that is not the case, OP. That could put you in criminal law territory.

ReluctantHillCrester · 02/05/2020 10:54

Move, never inform him either before, during or after.

When it comes to school, state facts, you have no contact with the father. If pushed further, inform them that SS said the father was not to have unsupervised contact. Short answers are best. Don't lie.

You are not the only person in this situation. You are doing what is best for your son and yourself. Good luck and I hope it all goes well for you both.

CaryStoppins · 02/05/2020 11:02

Move quietly and only put your details on the school form.

If they ask more later just tell them their is no contact between DS and his father due to abuse, you haven't seen him for years and don't know how to get in touch with him.

Original poster
Whatisthisfuckery · 02/05/2020 11:04

OK, thanks all. Your responses have been very helpful and allayed my fears somewhat.

I won’t lie, I’ll just say we’ve lost contact, which is true. He’ll never even notice anyway, let alone look for DS, and even in the tiny sliver of a chance that he does, no court in the land will side with him.

This move will be such a positive thing for both of us. We’ll finally have a support network and lower rents and secure housing will make our lives so much better. DS can’t wait to move and he’ll never have to see his dad passed out on the bus or staggering round pissed ever again.

OP posts:
Chottie · 02/05/2020 11:17

Personally, I would just move with as little fuss and bother as possible. Wishing you and your DS lots of luck and happiness for the future. Flowers

megletthesecond · 02/05/2020 11:21

I'd just move. Don't tell him.

thequeenbeyondthewall · 02/05/2020 11:32

Move and don't ever contact him again.
Don't even think about him. Get on with your life.

Congratulations on your new home

Mulhollandmagoo · 02/05/2020 11:45

Of anything I think you'd be unreasonable not to move!!!! Go, and enjoy the lovely life you and your son deserve ❤️

SuitedandBooted · 02/05/2020 11:49

Move, and don't tell him. Will he even notice? He is violent, and hasn't tried to contact him, so he has effectively abandoned his son.

Don't mention him to the school, you really don't have to. I doubt you will be pressed hard about it. Women raising children alone aren't rare. Schools ask about parents because they want to have info about who to call, write to etc. NONE of this applies to your son. His father has no place in his life at all.
And yes to the PP who mentioned using the right language. It's so common to underplay things. DON'T describe him as "difficult" or "awkward", even in your own mind.Tell it like it is, you have nothing to be embarrassed about. He is/was "violent", "abusive", "neglectful", "alcoholic" - and most importantly, SS consider him unfit to be left alone with his own child!

Good luck with your new life Smile

Louise91417 · 02/05/2020 11:52

Im in much the same circumstances as yourself, move if you want to, less likely he'l do anything about when you have made the move and all. Im contemplating moving myself but have told no-one as, like you, if absent "father" heard he would make his presence felt just to make life difficult for me. If and when i move, he will not be told and i will deal with anything after that. As for school etc, be honest, iv made it clear on forms that father is absent and a drunk, i didnt think you needed permission from both parents but it may be different where i live. My advise, you are the one that does all for your ds, you have earned the right to live your life as you please without worrying about someone who hasnt provided you or your son with the support you need! I doubt very much anyone will come down hard on you for your decisions given your exs history. Make your decisions with confidence and make them for yourself and ds, as far as im concerned my ex hasnt earned right to no anything about my life. I wish you luck and from one single mum with a useless absent father of ds, bloody well done for the job your doing!Flowers

Poppi89 · 02/05/2020 11:55

I have been in a similar situation - my DDs dad barely saw her for 10 years but as soon as he found out I was moving he tried to take me to court to stop me. So do not tell him until afterwards.

I would not put his name down on the schools forms as they will contact him if they can't contact you. My DDs dad isn't on BC so doesn't have PR and I have never put him down and they've never questioned it.

TheFaerieQueene · 02/05/2020 11:55

It sounds perfect. Have a safe move and a wonderful life.

Poppi89 · 02/05/2020 11:56

Also I am really happy for you. I moved back to family and wish I did it years before.

Haffdonga · 02/05/2020 12:00

If, as you say, it was agreed in court that he should not be given your address, I don't really see how you could tell him even if you wanted to.
Just to let you know that we are moving from an undisclosed address to an undisclosed address . Just go.

crustycrab · 02/05/2020 12:17

I'd go quietly and just never mention him or contact him again tbh as it is what your son wants

Cotswolds10 · 02/05/2020 12:22

Absolutely just do it. If you leave father’s details blank on the school form, no one will coming chasing for those details. Definitely don’t lie about parental permission, just give your own details in that section and leave him out of it altogether. I’ve worked in schools for years. Plenty of single parents with no contact with the father and no details on the forms. You’ll be fine and it sounds like absolutely the right move for you and your son.

NoRoomInBed · 02/05/2020 12:28

If you never talk to his dad I wouldnt even tell him unless he contacts you 1st. Good luck with the move hope it all works out

FizzyGreenWater · 02/05/2020 12:29

I can't imagine why this has even occurred to you.

From your opening post I assumed that DS was a toddler and that this was recent history!

He's TWELVE. This guy hasn't been in your life for years, hasn't taken up the options he has had to remain in his son's life, hasn't paid anything towards his upbringing... why on earth would it even occur to you that you should even consider him.

The school thing is easy - you leave his name off completely, if asked say there has not been contact since DC was a baby, you have no details for him and HE CHOSE to not be in his son's life many years ago. Thousands of mothers are in the same position and do the same.

AnotherMurkyDay · 02/05/2020 12:32

Tell the school that there is abuse. If he does find out and fights you, get prohibitive steps yourself. You could refer yourself to domestic violence services too, they could advise you on the legalities and support you with any issues that arise due to the abuse you and your DS have suffered. It's very hard to get PR removed, but it doesn't mean much if there is abuse because yours and DS's safety will be put above his PR for most things. I have never needed my ex's consent for anything, he is deemed dangerous to me and my DCs.

kateandme · 02/05/2020 12:45

does ur so=n want to move?

GinghamChicken · 02/05/2020 12:48

Inform the new school that you have had no contact with the father for several years. Truly, they won't bat an eyelid.
As you are moving closer to your own family, you can put those family members as second / third contacts on the school form in case of an emergency. Wishing you and your son happiness in your new home.

Starlightstarbright1 · 02/05/2020 12:50

My ex has no contact - I have no address - he pays maintenance £7 a week through cms . I have applied to primary and secondary with no details of ex . Had to speak to primary about risk of him turning up ( he has pr) never had a conversation with secondary anything to do with Dad.

Yes more and start new life.