To feel so bad for other people?

[imcold]

I'm hoping I can articulate this correctly! Since I was little I have had a massive problem with feeling so sorry for people. It could be an old man walking up the street or someone being told off, I just have massive guilt about it (even if I'm nothing to do with it!). My mum used to think I was odd as I would cry for people I didn't even know!
Recently at work we've taken on new staff (hospital) and if they don't pass the training they get sent home!
I've been in tears several times this past few weeks as a few have been sent home. DH says I'm too sensitive but I just can't help but feel so so bad for people! Does anyone else feel like this? I just hate seeing people disappointed or upset even if I don't know them. Am I weird?!

You feel how you feel. Nothing wrong with that. Just try to make sure you don't inadvertently patronise people because of it. That old man going for a walk may be perfectly happy and relish his independence.

I have this - some things I literally cannot bear to see. Doesn’t make me a better person as I don’t take action to put right but cannot bear it. Walked out of schindlers list for example I can’t watch things like that.

I don’t tell anyone or make a dramatic fuss though 😁

I'm the same. I'm a fixer. If I read a thread on here about something someone cant do ie get a babysitter/childcare, need to lend a car for a week etc I want to offer to babysit or lend my car (I dont because that would be madness) I'm also highly empathetic. Can't kill any bugs, hate hurting other peoples feelings, If i hear an animal cruelty story, it stays with me for days/weeks.

It does mean that I'm taken for granted by family, as I dont like to say no. And I stayed with my ex for years longer than I should have because I felt bad kicking him out. So it's not always a good thing.

OP I'm in your club.
Îts empathy not guilt. As some bright spark suggested upthread.
It's possibly an inner gratefulness of what you have and wish everyone is cared for.
I hope you are.

I also think that you are in danger of becoming arrogant and patronising. If you aren't there already.

There's a lot of be said for overcoming struggles. Resilience is something to be proud of. My Mum took a lot of pride from being able to go to the post office, once a week using her rollator. The rest of the time we took her out in a wheelchair.

You're imaging and putting feelings on to people.

As for the poster who said that they've stuck up for people and gone to town on the perceived aggressor, just make sure that you are choosing the right side. Some people need telling. We've all got our own crap to deal with and some of us just get on with life, don't play the victim and make excuses.

I've had people say that they feel sorry for me and how dare they? I've never felt sorry for myself, I've bounced back. But i was never told that life should be an easy ride and have things handed on a plate.

"and wish everyone is cared for."

Some of us, especially the now older generation don't want to be cared for to that degree, they want and strive for independence.

Don't put your wishes onto others.

I know what you mean. I just tell myself to be rational. Unless someone is actually upset it would be stupid to feel upset for them.

My sister is like this. She can’t watch Great British Bake Off or similar, as she just feels so bad for the contestants who have a baking fail and the ones who lose and have to leave that week.

Empathy is obviously a wonderful thing but like a lot of other things, in excess it’s not so good.

I would hazard a guess that if people are over empathising with others to the point that they are often crying over other people’s woes that it’s their unconscious mind finding a much needed outlet for some suppressed emotions of their own.

I really hope I'm not arrogant and patronising, these are feelings I keep to myself mostly. I would maybe tell my husband if it was something that really upset me but I obviously am not going up to old men in the street and telling them I feel sorry for them! I'm now telling a bunch of strangers on the internet but you guys don't know me ! It was more out of interest to see if others ever feel similar.
I totally agree with PPs saying these people may not want/need my sympathy, I'm aware how irrational it is! Luckily they are not aware of it!
I can't think of anything in my childhood that would cause these feelings. I just know I've been like this since I was very young.

Oh my God, I'm exactly the same! It can be people, animals. I find it hard to tell anyone how I feel because it just sounds like I'm saying I'm really kind, showing off or something but actually it just makes my life difficult. My ex said I felt empathy to a neurotic degree and he's right. I feel tortured by other's suffering. It can keep me awake at night. Part of me doesn't want to change because it's good to feel empathy but the other part of me knows it's too much. I want to channel it in to something good - using it to help others somehow. I don't have many skills but I could use the characteristic of mine to good effect.

Are you are a borderline personality disorder? I am, and we feel everything so much more. Get tested for it as you sound like me xxx

I used to be like this when I was younger, especially with animals, but I learnt to box it off and I wouldn’t allow myself to think about it and now I’ve gone the other way and become a bit of an ice queen!

OP you just sound a lovely lovely person 🙂

I’ve found my people- this is me! I get tormented by other people’s sadness and feel immense guilt if I can’t fix things for people. I genuinely think I need therapy

I am like that sometimes- crying at old people, making up stories of what I imagine they're going through and then I generally tell myself to cop on and it's very possible they're happy as Larry (which started a fresh onslaught of guilt which would set me off again). I've also found myself working in places where people celebrate milestones and found that so emotional, seeing the pride and joy on peoples faces. I would indulge myself on those occasions though.

I would like to be more like you. I definitely lack empathy. In many situations, where I know I should feel desperately sad and upset, I don’t. I make the right noises but can’t “feel” it. Then bizarrely, I overreact to other more simple issues. I suspect that my children’s autism didn’t come out of “thin air”.

Ah I can sympathise OP, I am exactly the same and it is so emotionally draining! My mum is always telling me about things I did when I was younger like this. When I was about 6 we were on holiday and there were 2 shops near each other. One was busy and the other had no one in. According to mum I cried my heart out and made her go in and buy things from the empty shop because I was so worried that he wasn’t going to earn any money and would be hungry and lose his home. Even today I’m like this; my DH wanted a bar of chocolate not long ago and we didn’t have that particular bar. He wasn’t bothered, didn’t give it another thought, but I felt so wretchedly guilty that he wouldn’t have something he wanted that I bought 24 of them lol.

You sound like a lovely person, but I hope my DS isn’t like I am (to such an extreme extent) because I don’t want him to spend his whole life worrying!

I feel myself welling up with tears when someone else is sad - a lady yesterday was telling me how she'd just lost her mother and I wanted to cry along with her - and I didn't even KNOW her mother!

I'm wary of calling it 'empathy' though. 'Oooh, I'm so empathic' like it's some kind of super-power, when really it's just picking up on someone else's body language and kind of translating it into pain you can sympathise with. So someone tells you about a dog being ill treated and your imagination immediately goes to how you would feel if someone ill treated YOUR dog/child/cat etc. It's almost a kind of 'making yourself super important by over relating'. Imagining you know how they feel because you know how YOU would feel in that situation. Almost an assumption of their pain.

So I try to keep it down, unless it's needed (to help someone feel that SOMEONE understands, when you've got a situation when someone is feeling lonely, neglected, ignored). Because otherwise, well, it's not my business to 'understand', 'empathise' or 'take on' someone else's grief or pain that they may not even be feeling, but I imagine they are.

I think it's just a trait of over-imagination really.

I also think that you are in danger of becoming arrogant and patronising. If you aren't there already

that's rich from you

I'm the same and I've heard it called "living in the pain" and knowing it's a choice helps....I can turn it off now.

Yep! I used to cry myself to sleep when I was younger sometimes thinking about people I felt sorry for. I would go through a list in my head and cry for them. Seems really sad now!! And I’m not as bad now.

Some people feel emotions more intensely than others. You can spend ages wondering why or berating yourself about it, or just accept it is the way it is.

I think the idea of people being too sensitive is irritating tbh. We need more empathy and consideration in the world. You rarely hear people being criticised for being 'too rational', but we're taught that being emotional is wrong.

I'm highly sensitive and what has helped me is learning to manage my emotions so that they don't overwhelm me as often. This involves feeling emotions but not taking ownership of them in terms of guilt. It's not my place to have guilt over someone else's pain (unless I caused it!) and doing that is actually quite emotionally invasive to those people.

It also helps to have supportive people around who know me and accept this is the way I am.

What doesn't help is people close to me who look down on being sensitive and criticise me for it. Or act like being 'rational' is the superior way of being.

I'm the same, definitely something I need to get under control but at the moment I think many of us are emotional!