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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel guilty for DC1&2 about having a 3rd child?...

40 replies

Hunnybears · 01/05/2020 08:56

As briefly as possible, I have two children with my first partner. Together for many years since late teens until 30’s. We grew apart but he’s a brilliant dad.

Been with my DH for a few years and having a child was on the cards. What’s mainly stopping me is the guilt I feel for my older two DC (getting teary writing this even fgs) They will be at least 8 and 12 by the time a new brother or sister was here.

They see their dad about 3 nights a week and every other weekend so we do share custody as much as possible. I would want them here with me all the time, but I know that’s tough luck for me. Why should they lose out seeing us both, just because we separated. It works great and kids are happy.

The guilt I think, mainly comes from the fact the baby would be here all the time and they aren’t. I know that’s not through my choice and I know that they get a lot from the set up, but I still feel guilty- to the point it could stop me having another. (I’m not pregnant btw)

I did feel guilt for my older dc when I had the younger but as soon as younger was born the guilt disappeared. Also I think when I die there will be 3 of them to look out for each other. One of my siblings is about 16 years older than me and I love having them. We never grew up together, as they had moved out by the time I was 1. I wouldn’t be without them.

I suppose I’m asking if anyone else felt guilty but then it disappeared?

OP posts:
blubberball · 01/05/2020 09:12

I feel the same as you sometimes. I love my current partner, and would probably love a baby with him if I didn't already have my 2. I feel broody sometimes, but I'm hoping that it will pass. We have spoken about it, and he doesn't feel strongly either way, so life will be simpler just to not.

Original poster
Hunnybears · 01/05/2020 09:33

@blubberball

It’s reassuring to know I’m not the only one. I agree, if my DH wasn’t fussed I wouldn’t consider it at really, as I can’t handle the guilt.

OP posts:
crustycrab · 01/05/2020 10:14

You're over thinking it. Flip it on its head and look at the positives

MinnieMountain · 01/05/2020 10:22

I don't think OP is over thinking. The effect on existing DCs has to be carefully considered and handled.

Original poster
Hunnybears · 01/05/2020 10:28

I suppose it’s worth mentioning that my two DC will not have to share bedroom with a new baby or anything. We are very lucky that we currently have a spare bedroom so the 3 of them will still have a bedroom each.

OP posts:
MouthBreathingRage · 01/05/2020 10:29

Trouble is with these things, you just don't know until you do it. I had a much younger half sibling and whilst I love them, I hated the whole experience. Everything we did as a family went back to having to be young-child friendly, I didn't have much parental attention during some tough teen years, we had less money to do things, I couldn't bring friends around as often and was very jealous of my friends who had more space and no babysitting responsibilities.

However, I know of others who loved being a 'big' big sibling. One especially since they only saw their younger siblings occasionally, so never had the bigger pressures that I did.

Ultimately, some kids do end up feeling pushed out and replaced by much younger half siblings, some love having a bigger family. Only you can try and foreshadow your children's reactions - honestly if there's even a small chance they'd not take well to it then I wouldn't have more.

GrimmsFairytales · 01/05/2020 10:35

Everything we did as a family went back to having to be young-child friendly

This is pretty much what I was going to post. You say they will be at least 8 and 12 by the time any new sibling arrives, that's quite a large gap, and could potentially be even larger if it takes a while to conceive. Babies do change the dynamic, and teenage years can be a rough ride even without a baby in the mix.

Original poster
Hunnybears · 01/05/2020 10:41

@Mouth

That’s it, I definitely think there are positives but I’m concerned about the negatives too as you point out.

I can also see why @crustycrab would think I’m overthinking.

It’s a tough one

OP posts:
Original poster
Hunnybears · 01/05/2020 10:44

This is pretty much what I was going to post. You say they will be at least 8 and 12 by the time any new sibling arrives, that's quite a large gap, and could potentially be even larger if it takes a while to conceive. Babies do change the dynamic, and teenage years can be a rough ride even without a baby in the mix.

I absolutely understand where you’re coming from @GrimmsFairytales

OP posts:
Sugartitss · 01/05/2020 10:47

I think stick to what you have. I did. A woman does not have to have a child for every man she has a relationship with.

MouthBreathingRage · 01/05/2020 10:48

Sorry, I wish I could give you a straight answer, but everyone has a different experience of these things. We were a very similar age to your two when our younger sibling was born, and had we been asked if we wanted one beforehand our answer would have been 100% no. It's influenced my life when making choices about having another child myself - I'd never have a big age gap, and if my husband and I split I'd definitely not have a baby with a new partner. Again though, you'd have others give you a total opposite experience, so only you really know the effect it may have on your children.

Happymum12345 · 01/05/2020 10:52

Having another baby would only be positive. You two dc have a dad they stay with and he’s a great dad. Babies are a joy and a blessing. Your dc will adore the baby.

OliviaBenson · 01/05/2020 10:54

Having another baby would only be positive. You two dc have a dad they stay with and he’s a great dad. Babies are a joy and a blessing. Your dc will adore the baby.

Completely disagree here. You don't know that it would only be positive- so many variables involved. There is a chance that your DC might adore the baby, but they could also be indifferent or hate them.

Is not having a baby a dealbreaker for your DH?

GetUpAgain · 01/05/2020 10:56

I wouldn't have another, I don't think it would be great for the older kids and I don't think it would be great for the baby either. I know a family in this exact situation, the baby is now a teenager and it's never been a good dynamic. There has always been at least one child with an unmet need iyswim.

GrimmsFairytales · 01/05/2020 10:56

Having another baby would only be positive

Absolute horse crap. You have no way of knowing this. There are lots of reasons why having a baby wouldn't be a positive, and the Op is being a fantastic mother by considering her sons who are already here.

Your dc will adore the baby.

Or they might not. Hmm

IsAnybodyListening · 01/05/2020 11:01

I know how you feel-sort of. Dp and I been together over 20yrs. We have a 19Dd and age 15Ds. I have wanted another for years, I'm 37 now and haven't because I can now financially take the 2 children I have to places I simply couldn't afford when they were little (I should have been taking them to South America in Aug, that's on hold) and plans for Vietnam next year. A baby means a drop in income, and huge age gap. And starting again obviously.

GrimmsFairytales · 01/05/2020 11:02

Sorry children, not sons I realise OP didn't specify their sex.

HarrietTheShy · 01/05/2020 11:03

YANBU. You're being a good parent. It would change the dynamic. It would impact on how much time and resources you have for the older kids. Lots of things to think about.

I had a much younger half sibling and whilst I love them, I hated the whole experience.

FWIW, this was also my experience. It was like they'd started a new family and me being there part-time made it even worse. I was always slightly out sync with what was happening and never felt part of their new unit.

MouthBreathingRage · 01/05/2020 11:07

@Happymum12345, I never adored my youngest sibling. Tolerated at most, usually resented. Not their fault in the slightest, but definitely wasn't a positive thing for me (or my other sibling). I know others would and di love having a much younger sibling, but it's one hell of a gamble - the older the other kids get the less likely it is to be a good one.

Original poster
Hunnybears · 01/05/2020 11:46

Reading through these replies and these are the exact reasons why I feel guilt. In all honesty I wouldn’t want another one for reasons as you’ve all stated.

DH would like one however it wouldn’t be a dealbreaker if we didn’t. I suppose I’m left with the choice of

a- Not having one, that means that I don’t worry whether my DC’s will be affected negatively - but then that also means DH is never going to know what it’s like to have his own child, so I feel bad for that too

b- Have one and DH will fulfilled but my DC’s won’t or possibly will but it’s the not knowing.

I feel whatever I do someone is going to be impacted. The thing is, my two DC’s are the most important people in my world. DH knows this and whilst he’s the third most important person, hands down, I love them far more than anything and anyone so ultimately they’d happiness is the most important thing

OP posts:
Original poster
Hunnybears · 01/05/2020 11:47

Their*

OP posts:
Waveysnail · 01/05/2020 11:48

I'd stick with the two. Great ages to do fun stuff you cant do with baby in tow.

cinammonbuns · 01/05/2020 11:51

I think you yourself aren’t that convinced and seem to want to have one to please him even though you are worried about the effect on your kids.

Weird people on MN act as if no sibling has ever resented a younger sibling and that unfortunately is not true in reality. If you are happy with your current two then stick with that.

Happymum12345 · 01/05/2020 12:01

Babies are a blessing. Of course you should only have a baby if it’s going to be loved. I find it incredibly sad that people think having a child would upset their family for any reason.

MouthBreathingRage · 01/05/2020 12:09

Babies are a blessing

Such an empty sentiment. Babies are hard work, physically and emotionally. Having another child in any circumstance means less room, money and time. Having a baby in a blended family means even more emotional baggage, older children trying to get used to a new normal, not knowing of the stepparent will now favour their own flesh and blood over them, knowing that their biological parent is starting a new family and won't have the same time for you anymore. Saying nonsense like babies are a blessing completely undermines the reality of it, it's just what selfish parents say to convince themselves that they can have another baby no matter what.