To feel guilty for DC1&2 about having a 3rd child?...

[Hunnybears]

As briefly as possible, I have two children with my first partner. Together for many years since late teens until 30’s. We grew apart but he’s a brilliant dad.

Been with my DH for a few years and having a child was on the cards. What’s mainly stopping me is the guilt I feel for my older two DC (getting teary writing this even fgs) They will be at least 8 and 12 by the time a new brother or sister was here.

They see their dad about 3 nights a week and every other weekend so we do share custody as much as possible. I would want them here with me all the time, but I know that’s tough luck for me. Why should they lose out seeing us both, just because we separated. It works great and kids are happy.

The guilt I think, mainly comes from the fact the baby would be here all the time and they aren’t. I know that’s not through my choice and I know that they get a lot from the set up, but I still feel guilty- to the point it could stop me having another. (I’m not pregnant btw)

I did feel guilt for my older dc when I had the younger but as soon as younger was born the guilt disappeared. Also I think when I die there will be 3 of them to look out for each other. One of my siblings is about 16 years older than me and I love having them. We never grew up together, as they had moved out by the time I was 1. I wouldn’t be without them.

I suppose I’m asking if anyone else felt guilty but then it disappeared?

Putting it purely non-emotionally, your DH has a choice; your DC don't as you will be deciding for them.

Saying nonsense like babies are a blessing completely undermines the reality of it, it's just what selfish parents say to convince themselves that they can have another baby no matter what.

Agreed Mouth. It's a meaningless statement, that doesn't take into account the realities of the current family dynamics and existing children.

Babies aren’t always a blessing though, as plenty of people have already attested to. As sad as you may find it, it’s a reality.

I would also consider the best interests of your older children first, and tbh I wouldn’t have another child were it me.

Babies aren't always a blessing.
They can harm the mother during birth, not sleep at all and create havoc in the household.

I think you're right to hold back. It might totally screw the dynamics with your older children.

@Happymum12345 what a naive and pointless statement.

I have to say I'm in this situation. In our family we have DD13, DSD 12, DS 11 and we not have a 10 month old DD together.
It has done nothing but change our family for the better. The big ones love being big brothers and sisters. There behaviour has got better since we had the baby and when we go on holiday we go places that have entertainment for all ages.

In this situation I was the older DC, and I have to say I love my younger siblings more than anything in the world - never once did it bother me that they could stay with our parent all the time while I was with my separated parent - I was always just glad they had a happy home and a stable life (me, not so much 😂). I was 8 when the first one of them was born and honestly just loved him from the moment he was here (I'm actually getting emotional thinking about it, bloody lockdown 😂)!

Thanks for all your replies - much appreciated.

I think it is worth considering. My mother's sibling is 13 years older than her. She said she just saw her as another adult. They were never close and as adults don't really speak that often - maybe once or twice a year. She said they were just too different. Her sister was at the age where friends were more important and she didn't have time for the younger sibling who woke her up at night.

They were never hostile to each other, just indifferent.

I have 3, and I do often feel guilty for my older 2. They are at an age where we could be doing some fun stuff, going on long days out, visiting museums, eating out etc but it just isn’t possible now we have a toddler again. I hope the guilt starts to wear off in a year or two when the youngest is old enough to join in. Disclaimer: I know some families manage to do the above outings with a toddler but this one is unlike any toddler I’ve had before!

We had dc3 last year. There are definitely major cons as listed in some of the other posts (back to struggling to eat out, less time for each child, less money etc etc) but overall it's been massively positive. Dc1 is the kind of person who could have resented the baby but actually is completely adoring and it's been really good for them. I agree you just don't know how it will go until you jump in.
You don't sound convinced though and I wouldn't do it unless you're 100% committed, it's not just your other DC that might resent the baby.

Without wishing to state the negatives - consider the family in a scenario that your new child has doesn't sleep/ has colic or reflux/ extra needs/ disability etc. Possibly meaning you can't work or needs your attention 100% of the time.

If you can cope with that I'd have another.

Of course you could get one that has read the manual, sits and watches the world go by and is super chilled.......

I wouldn’t, agree with the poster who said a baby isn’t needed in every new relationship.

The large age gap alone would put me off as they will have nothing in common, everything will go back to being cantered around a young sibling and there’s less money, time, space etc to go round.

Add on the step parent element, which brings its own challenges. Having been in that situation everything changes when there own child comes along and not for the better I found.

Agree with many others.

It's not just the age gaps, either, it's the timing. Your youngest could well be starting school just as the eldest is sitting GCSEs and the middle child is on that stressful cusp of being a teenager. Your elder children might well need you most at a time when you're very focussed on the youngest.

Have you asked your DC how they would feel about it? I think knowing that they're involved in the decision might make them feel more positive about it. You never know they might love a baby sibling.

Providing your DH is happy to take care of the baby for a few hours a night while Dcs are home and a day of the weekend so you can spend quality time with you older DCs it might not be a bad thing.