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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if you're a blended family, how is that reflected in your wills?

45 replies

ElephantsAlltheWayDown · 30/04/2020 20:39

Just that really. There's a deal on wills at the moment and my husband and I really need to make ours. I have a daughter from a previous marriage and we have a child together as well. We're going to sit down together soon and I was just wondering, for those who are in blended families, how did you handle your wills? Do they mirror each other or is yours different than your spouse's? Are different amounts left to each child? What is reasonable to expect?

(Personally I hope/assume we'll treat both children equally in both of our wills, but I want to check my thinking on this first.)

OP posts:

Cheesecakejar · 30/04/2020 20:43

Oh this is a good topic, one I have been thinking about lately. I would be set to inherit my mother's house and I know she would want it or any funds from it passed onto her grandchild but I also have a stepchild and I think it's going to make life a bit awkward. She will probably live until my son is 20 at least so it might be best she just misses me out altogether and passes it down to him....

Cheesecakejar · 30/04/2020 20:44

Sorry I totally rambled there! Hopefully someone who has already made a will can give us a good idea of where to go with things....

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/04/2020 20:45

We created a trust and my half goes to our shared child and DH half is split between her and his older DC.

Dillydallyingthrough · 30/04/2020 20:49

I know this is not popular but I've heard too many stories of DC being disinherited because their parent thought the stepparent would carry out their wishes. Me and DP have wills,only I have a child. Everything I had before I met him goes to my DD, everything we have invested together my half goes to my DD - he has a lifetime interest in the house. My DP has decided to split his half between my DD and his nephew. But that was his choice I've never expected my DD to inherit from him only me. When I did my will I wanted to make sure my DD was not worse off by me getting into a relationship.

Leaannb · 30/04/2020 21:06

My children get everything of mine and his will get nothing

xMrsAx · 30/04/2020 21:12

I think the fairest way would be to split your half of everything between the two DCs, and then DHs half goes to your shared DC only? Obviously if he wants to leave some of his half to your DC also then that's great, but I wouldn't push it

WisestIsShe · 30/04/2020 21:14

We are the same as op, I have a child and we share a child. DH has only the child we share. In our case everything will be spilt equally between the two children and both of our wills reflect that.

lyralalala · 30/04/2020 21:19

Ours are the same. Ds1 (his) DDs 1&2 (mine) and our 3 together inherit equally.
That said he was widowed when we met and my ex doesn’t bother with the girls so I’m Mum to DS1 he’s Dad/Pop to that girls and there’s genuinely no difference for either of us in how we feel for the kids. I imagine it would be different in a more recent blended family or where there are parents around

Bloomburger · 30/04/2020 21:23

DD who is not DHs will get 20% of everything DD & DS who are DHs will get 40% each of everything.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 30/04/2020 21:27

DH and I met when DS14 was 2. Ours is an unusual situation in that Ex and I get on really well, and when DH and I married we sat down with Ex and his now-DW and settled what we'd do for wills.

Money-wise everything is split to the DC equally from DH if he dies first and from me if I die first.

Location-wise Ex agreed that DH would keep DS14 in our family home if I died whilst he was young because it's where he's lived for the majority of his life; his friends, family and routine are all here, and Ex agreed that for a child like DS14 consistency mattered most. DH and Ex would keep contact going and maintain the positive relationship they have now.

If DH and I both die, both DC (DH and I have one together, Ex and I have one together) go to Ex and his DW. It sounds odd, it probably is odd. But Ex and his DW adore both DC and would (and already do) love and cherish them. MIL wouldn't be able to have them, my parents wouldn't either, and Ex and his DW are genuinely people I like and trust. I think because we're not recently-blended it's probably easier to have all of this settled and straightforward.

waterandlemonjuice · 30/04/2020 21:30

Ds, who is from my first marriage, and dd, who is ours, each get 50% of both our estates. So they are being treated equally as children of our family.

My ex husband (who is not dd’s father) has mirrored our will so that his estate is split the same way: between ds (his) and dd (not his). In other words, he is treating our dd in the same way as dh2 is treating his ds, i.e. equally.

Onemorefortheroad · 30/04/2020 21:30

My OH has two kids, I have one. House is to be halved and his half goes to his kids, my half goes to mine. Assets wise, we are leaving everything to each other. My pension and death in service stuff will go to my mum who will then give OH a share and the rest to my daughter.

EmbarrassedUser · 30/04/2020 21:30

I have a trust will I think it’s called. My half of the house/savings etc go to my son. My husband’s half go to his two children. The thinking was that his two children are to inherit from their mother whereas my son is not due to inherit from his father so it seemed fairer that he have the whole of my 50%.

Onemorefortheroad · 30/04/2020 21:31

I say my mum until my daughter is old enough to be named in the paperwork herself.

waterandlemonjuice · 30/04/2020 21:34

Our wills mirror each others. If I die, everything goes to him and vice versa and if we both die everything’s between both children. Like a PP I also gave a good relationship with my ex husband, hence his treating dd the same as his ds.

OldGranvilleHouse · 30/04/2020 21:34

We’ve left everything to each other and have agreed that the surviving one of us will leave half to my side of the family and half to his.

I know there’s a huge element of trust there, but we can’t see any other way. We’ve been together for 12 years, earn similar amounts of money and brought similar amounts to money into the relationship. We also now have stuff that we’ve bought together from joint funds.

DH’s parents both died a long time ago and there was no financial inheritance, only lovely memories, and I’m in a similar position - my mum is still alive but there will be no estate. I don’t know if not coming from backgrounds where inheritance isn’t an issue makes a difference, but we’re both fairly relaxed about it.

waterandlemonjuice · 30/04/2020 21:34

Embarrasseduser, that’s why I’m so pleased my ex has mirrored our wills and treated both children the same.

GooseberryJam · 30/04/2020 21:35

hope/assume we'll treat both children equally in both of our wills

Does that mean you expect your husband to leave equal amounts to his stepchild and to his biological child? Just to be clear.

Presumably your older child will also inherit from their father? Whereas your joint DC will get what you two leave them but no one else.

Fleurchamp · 30/04/2020 21:36

Do not just assume that your DP/DH will carry out your wishes - mirror wills are just that, single wills that reflect each other's wishes. Even without the blended family aspect, it is something to consider - what would happen if you die and your partner/ husband has a new relationship and family.
It is better to make provision now rather than relying on someone else.

Original poster

ElephantsAlltheWayDown · 30/04/2020 22:18

Thanks everyone, it's so interesting to see the different ways people are deciding to handle this situation.

Given our own circumstances, yes, I would hope we would treat the children equally. DH has been her stepdad since DD was only four years old. Also, my ex (DD's dad) and I get on just fine, but we're not on terms where I could ask what's in his will, and there's no guarantee in life that he would have anything to leave her. (Even if he did, part of me feels like it's restitution for being a child of divorce, whereas our mutual child has had the benefits of two happily married parents.)

On the other hand, if DH died and I remarried someone with older (teenage or adult) children, I'm not sure I would want my portion of the inheritance to be left to them, so I can definitely see that side too.

It would be a lot easier to just talk to DH! I've purchased the wills but he looks like a deer in the headlights every time I bring up the fact that we need to sit down and sort it out. I think he's a little freaked out by it. Hopefully I can pin him down soon!

OP posts:

Jimdandy · 30/04/2020 22:40

My husband has 2 children with his ex and we have another 2 together.

We don’t have any substantial savings (just a grand or so for emergencies, we overpay the mortgage instead).

We’ve done our so we hold our house as tenants in common. Whoever dies first leaves the other one a life interest in their half of the equity, then my half is split between my 2 children and his half between his 4.

When we have separate savings when mortgage paid off I will look at leaving the step children a small cash gift.

It may seem harsh to some but the way I see it they have their own Mum to leave them whatever she wishes.

Jimdandy · 30/04/2020 22:42

@Fleurchamp that’s why we have done our Wills the way we have.

I am coincidentally a Solicitor, but not in Wills and Probate and incidentally it’s my worst area/study I do not enjoy it all when I did LPC!!

My colleague did ours, we get it free as a staff perk

Original poster

ElephantsAlltheWayDown · 30/04/2020 23:03

Argh, now that I'm thinking about all the details I'm getting stressed out too!

How do you leave a portion of equity to descendants with a lifelong interest to your partner? Is the equity calculated on the day you die? What if my husband pays off the mortgage with his share of my life insurance? Does that mean he would be adding to my children's share of the house? What if he sells and moves to a different country?

I hope the will package I just bought is equipped to handle my questions!

OP posts:

TimeIhadaNameChange · 30/04/2020 23:04

@FudgeBrownie2019 - can I say how lovely the four of you sound. Your children are lucky to have all of you in their lives.

Mintychoc1 · 30/04/2020 23:15

It can be a minefield.
I recall a situation in which a woman had 3 adult kids and she married a man who had no kids. They shared their house equally, and she left her 50% to her 3 kids, but left her husband lifetime rights to stay in the house. He disliked her kids and they disliked him. She died first, and he vowed to stay in the house as long as he could to prevent them inheriting. He was a patient of mine and he had gone way past the point when he could safely care for himself at home, but he flatly refused to go into any sort of care home (care at home wasn’t the thing that it is now), because he said he didn’t want them to inherit. In the end I think his step children got their inheritance about 30 years after their mum had died.

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