Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Free time

32 replies

whoisright12 · 30/04/2020 16:52

My husband normally gets in from work between 1/2 everyday. Before lockdown he used to collect our son from his nursery at 4 pm leaving him with a few hours of free time to himself (which is fine).

I've been on sick leave for an extended period of time and have started a phased return this week. A mix of mornings and afternoons. I am able to work from home.

He can still go out to work.

Of the 5 days I'm working this week two have been afternoons. Leaving me with 3 free afternoons and on the days I'm working afternoons I've obviously been looking after our child in the morning.

Of those three afternoons H has come in and had a long nap one one of them, spent 2 hours on his PlayStation on one of them and on the third one, expects to have another nap so he can play on his PlayStation until 3am later that evening.

Which means, as usual, I have zero free time to myself. This is the same both before and during lockdown.

When I raise this he says "get a hobby" and it turns into an argument. However, on the odd occasion I do go out with my friends I get "what time are you coming home" texts etc.

So my question is, is he being unfair?

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 30/04/2020 16:54

Yip. And you both know. Mine xh did shit like that.

Original poster
whoisright12 · 30/04/2020 16:56

Sorry to add. I understand his usual routine may be to nap/game but surely there should be some sort of compromise during these circumstances?

Even so before lockdown the gaming would be til 3am on a Friday - leaving him tired and miserable for the full Saturday. Then again for about 3/4 hours on a Sunday afternoon.

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 30/04/2020 17:14

He needs to grow up or move out. Sorry. But his priority is him and what he's prioritising is shit.

Original poster
whoisright12 · 30/04/2020 17:31

Think you might be right sadly

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 30/04/2020 17:40

I tried everything. Everything. Then I tried it all again. And again and again and again. I'm sorry. He clearly doesn't care about you the way he should or the way he promised he would. Or the way he expected.

ASandwichNamedKevin · 30/04/2020 17:44

Can you do a swap for a week?
Or just ask him to explain why he believes he is more important than you. Does he think he is a vastly better person than you, is it based on sexist beliefs or what?
Because I'm really stumped and not sure that's how I'd want to live or if that's the example I'd want to set for a child.

OhioOhioOhio · 30/04/2020 17:47

The way expected I mean.

Original poster
whoisright12 · 30/04/2020 18:18

@ASandwichNamedKevin believe me I've tried. Nothing is more important than his PlayStation. I'm really bloody fed up now.

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 30/04/2020 18:23

Well you need to make a plan and get him out.

ASandwichNamedKevin · 30/04/2020 18:36

@whoisright12 that's quite sad that nothing is more important than his PlayStation, because I personally believe you and your son are a hell of a lot more important.
If his argument is that gaming is his hobby surely reading or eating chocolate or yoga or just being alone can be yours.
I know this is a difficult time in general, and you say you've been on sick leave, but you matter very much.
Is your self-esteem something you can work on?

Original poster
whoisright12 · 30/04/2020 18:42

@ASandwichNamedKevin thank you. I don't necessarily think it's my self esteem that's the issue, I mean, I know his priorities aren't right. I just don't know why we are both so far down his list!

I've recently been through something incredibly traumatic and I neeed him more than ever and the penny just doesn't drop with him. I raise it, he's lovely for a few days and then it just goes back to me feeling forgotten about and like I don't matter.

I just honestly don't ever see it getting better

OP posts:
Runnerduck34 · 30/04/2020 21:41

He is definitely being unfair, he sounds like a completely self absorbed teenager. Sadly he won't change unless he's made to.
Easier said than done when you have a child who will want your attention but can you split the free afternoons so he spends one afternoon gaming and napping and then the following afternoon you get a long bubble bath, or go for a walk, exercise, read a book etc while he looks after DC, then on the third free afternoon its family time? If he looks after DC more often he might be more appreciative of what you do, current set up is unfair and he sounds unsupportive

Original poster
whoisright12 · 01/05/2020 10:20

Believe me @Runnerduck34 I've suggested those things and it will happen for a week then it will revert to him wanting every afternoon to either nap or game, Saturday he'll mope about because he's tired and it ruins our Saturday night as he goes to be SO early. Then Sunday he'll spend the morning sucking up then start gaming again in the afternoon.

I think I maybe know what the answer is but I'm scared to admit it. And I'm also maybe it sure if I'm overreacting.

OP posts:
Original poster
whoisright12 · 01/05/2020 16:34

So when he came in from work today I went straight upstairs to sleep so he had no choice BUT to look after our little boy.

As soon as I wake up, he fucks of upstairs leaving me to cook and deal with a huffy toddler.

OP posts:
Runnerduck34 · 01/05/2020 20:01

It sounds very frustrating, I do sympathise. Does he realise how unreasonable he is being? Having DC involves sacrifice and you can't carry on like before you had kids -pleasing yourself and doing whatever you want whenever you want, you have to muck in and work as a team. Time by yourself to unwind is important but needs to be shared equally so you both have the same amount of free time plus family time spent together. Sadly I've no idea how you will convince him of this. My DH can also be self absorbed he is very good at prioritising himself and ignoring essential tasks and would rather spend time on his hobby than with family. In the end I just started to arrange activities with friends without him, after a while he got the hump he wasn't included and started to make more of an effort

Original poster
whoisright12 · 01/05/2020 20:54

@Runnerduck34 the thing is I'm not sure if he's stupid and doesn't realise despite having the same row every few weeks or is ignorant and doesn't care.

I'm really at the end of my tether as it feels like he just doesn't care and sees his time and needs to be more important than mine. Albeit, it's magnified by the lockdown. This has gone on for about 2 years now and I'm really really losing patience.

I've actually said to him previously that children involve sacrifice. God, I've made so many. I have no social life anymore. But he says I'm accusing him of being a bad dad!

It's not just that. There's so many things that make me unhappy. He doesn't pull his weight. He's constantly playing games on his phone or on group chat and doesn't really listen to me.

I don't really know what I am getting from this relationship anymore. It's hard. We go through good phases too and when things are/were good, they're fantastic

OP posts:
Original poster
whoisright12 · 01/05/2020 20:54

God. That was an essay. Sorry!

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 01/05/2020 21:15

But it's not an essay. His agenda for each day is full. You are not on his agenda. He's not stupid he knows this. I've been there. It's heartbreaking.

Original poster
whoisright12 · 02/05/2020 17:15

I think tonight is the night I tell him just how miserable he makes me.

OP posts:
Original poster
whoisright12 · 09/05/2020 19:56

So to update. I've today told him I want to split up.

His latest is that if I want to find time to do something nice with him or have my own time I need to forfeit my time with my parents on a Sunday morning. But, he is not prepared to drop PlayStation for one day out of the month so we can use that time to do something together.

Relationships are about compromise and this appears to be a very one way street. I'm not prepared to live my life this unhappy anymore.

OP posts:
ASandwichNamedKevin · 09/05/2020 23:21

Oh dear OP, sorry for you that it has come to this, it is such a ludicrous suggestion that you don't spend time with your parents, like that exact slot of time is the only one he can give you. He's supposed to want to spend time with you.

Lots of people on the Relationships board have advice about the practical side of things.
For the emotional side of things have you got any support?
Hoping for much happier times ahead for you.

Original poster
whoisright12 · 10/05/2020 09:06

Thank you.

It really is for the best I think. I can't go on being second best. Especially not second best to a bloody PlayStation game.

OP posts:
jackstini · 10/05/2020 09:06

@whoisright.
My heart sank for you reading this:

But, he is not prepared to drop PlayStation for one day out of the month so we can use that time to do something together

You now know you are right. You and DC deserve so much more. Sorry you are going to have to go through a break up at such a hard time. Do you have a plan/practical help?

Original poster
whoisright12 · 10/05/2020 09:42

@jackstini not really no. I suppose the fact I can't physically do anything at the minute gives me time to get finances etc in place and look online for somewhere to live.

I'm keeping it to myself for now as I don't want to worry my parents.

I think the realisation has hit that i obviously love him, far, far more than he loves me.

OP posts:
jackstini · 10/05/2020 16:42

Good idea to use the time to get your ducks in a row and get your head straight

Who owns the house? Maybe he should leave, not you!

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.