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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that poor academic performance equals a life of misery?

69 replies

sudokumad · 30/04/2020 11:55

Throughout my life I've struggled academically on and off. I understand the content (when not stressed) and I am able to perform well, but I find it hard to deal with problems in my personal life that it consumes me day to day so I become I'm unable to function.

My grades have been sporadic throughout GCSE and A level and I'm now trying to complete a degree, again with a mix of high and low Mark's bringing down. I doesnt help that I'm at home with a preschooler and her dad is no help- I do everything.

I have exams next month and I've been revising for 3 hours after I've put DD down for bed. I know I'm going to fail and I'm super stressed.

I really want to get a good job but with my background I'm not sure anyone will take me on with D grades and not even one A. I'm looking at a 2:2 or 3rd.

I'd love to get on to a graduate scheme in the civil service or in financial services. Lots of people have amazing academics and are super social with experience as treasurer or something in one of their uni societies. I don't do anything outside of parenting, except cleaning the home and organising my 4 year olds life.

I want to go somewhere and be someone. I just don't know if anyone would give me the chance.

OP posts:
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 30/04/2020 15:02

Have you reviewed where you are, in detail??

In my experience a lot of angst comes from people wearing themselves into the ground to get at least 1st /2:1 /2:2 /a degree, when it is quote likely they'll do well...?

Then you can really focus on what you need to get a good pass

What average do you need in these exams to be in at least a 2:2 band? I know over 50 per cent (usually)... But what do you already have?

I expect you already have exam/coursework results from year 2 that will be added in?

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 30/04/2020 15:03

PS how do the years count towards your final mark?

MonkeyToesOfDoom · 30/04/2020 15:04

doesnt help that I'm at home with a preschooler and her dad is no help

It's not academic stuff that causes the most misery, it's hitching your wagon to the wrong people.

boylovesmeerkats · 30/04/2020 15:06

I don't think it means a life of misery, I know people with top academics that are completely miserable! What will hold you back is that self belief, you need to be sure that you can do well despite all that crap you have to deal with. I can say that academic achievements aside (because at best they got me through the door on very few occasions) what is most employable is that you can get on with it regardless. Most employers need you to be able to wing it, so even if you're unsure you need to find a way to hold your head up and give it your best. I recently got on a CS grad scheme and I'm 36, sort of applied for it by mistake but turned it down because the money was crap. Eventually you build up enough experience to leap frog all that, and in reality I can't imagine spending time with lots of privileged young people to be very fun. You might find it hard out there as a mum of young kids, the world isn't fair or equal and nor are employers, even the civil service.

Good luck with your degree. My mum went to uni when I was a kid and it's the best thing she ever did. You'll make yours proud too!

Piglet89 · 30/04/2020 15:18

Not boasting, @sudokumad- I’m telling you the following to illustrate a point.

I have straight As and A*s at both GCSE and A level and a 2:1 degree from Cambridge. My husband has a real mix of grades from school and a 2:1 from a former polytechnic.

We are of a similar age, both studied the same subject at degree level. But I made some very random and dubious choices throughout my career and earn a fraction of what my husband does; he has a “Head of” role.

We are both pretty academically clever, but he didn’t study anywhere near as hard as I did at school or university. Importantly, he has made pretty smart, strategic decisions in his career, had a plan has stuck at stuff more than I tended to in my career. I’ve worked in several different industries and my CV looks so random. I’ve certainly learned a lot though!

As PPs have said: it’s about getting a foot in the door, showing tenacity and dealing with the inevitable failures and disappointments in a positive way, which I haven’t always done. Stellar grades are A TINY FRACTION of what it takes to be successful in your career. Personal qualities are just as important - if not more so!

You have my absolute admiration trying to study in the evenings after caring for your little one all day with limited support - I’m ready for my bed at the end of a day with my baby! That of itself shows A tremendous work ethic!

Good luck to you - I hope you achieve the success you’re aiming for.

Piglet89 · 30/04/2020 15:20

Oh, and like @Ardnassa’s sibling, my husband is also very very charming and charismatic!!! Goes a long way, rightly or wrongly.

PapayaCoconut · 30/04/2020 15:27

DH has a 2:2 from a middling university. I have a 2:1 from a Russell group one. He's in finance, I'm not. I earn about 15% of his salary.

PapayaCoconut · 30/04/2020 15:28

DH is very confident, very relaxed around other people and very hard working. I'm just hard working without the other two traits. I believe that's where the difference lies! 😅

vanillandhoney · 30/04/2020 15:31

I don't think academic intelligence really means all the much anymore.

I have a degree from a Russell Group university and earn £700 a month running my own business. DH left school at 14 and brings in 1k a week as a plasterer.

Bluntness100 · 30/04/2020 15:32

I find it hard to deal with problems in my personal life that it consumes me day to day so I become I'm unable to function

This is the issue op, not your grades, this is what you need to be able to get over, if you’re unable to function if something comes up in your personal life, then you will not be able to perform consistently at either studies or work.

Can you expand on the issues and responding inability to function?

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 30/04/2020 15:33

I'd hazard a guess that its not poor academic results that are making you miserable, but a poor choice of husband.

Umnoway · 30/04/2020 15:37

There are a few people I went to school with who definitely weren’t academic in any way, I think one left school without GCSE’s. They did an apprenticeship instead and now probably earn more than me (I went to uni and did a post grad too). They opened their own businesses despite not being academic in the slightest so hats off to them really.

MrDarcysMa · 30/04/2020 15:38

It sounds like whatever you're studying just isn't for you. My brother was not very academic at all (failed most of his GCSEs and no FE) and is one of the happiest people I know with an excellent lifestyle.
Sounds like being a single mother is making life more difficult for you rather than academic capability x

rvby · 30/04/2020 15:39

@sudokumad it doesn't sound like academic performance is a problem for you. You're going to get a degree. The majority of people don't have that, aren't able to do that, at all.

The average reading age of an adult in the States is 6-8th grade... so 11-13yo.... I think you're catastrophizing a bit about an imagined future.

Have a read of the literature for folk who get very high academic achievement and you'll quickly notice that it doesn't correlate at ALL with 'success' in life, be it monetary or emotional.

The folk who are the most happy and successful are those with 'soft skills'...

My DP has/had test anxiety and learning difficulties all his life. He reverses numbers, it's a type of dyslexia, and he makes himself sick/blanks out in tests. But a very good public speaker and quietly confident with people. He scraped and I mean absolutely scraped through uni. Every second term of uni he was on the brink of being kicked out. Literally. He even had to take an extra year to finish the required courses. There were some he failed twice.

Anyway he left uni with his hard-won degree (barely), got a series of jobs, and within 10 years was making 6 figures, he has 700 people reporting up to his senior role in the public sector.

People skills, calm in a crisis, gets on with it. That's what it takes. Academic 'performance' is irrelevant in the vast majority of cases. I have a similar story myself, but I don't want to write a novel here. But really it's not about academics.

Don't allow yourself to be sucked down into catastrophising. Make your list of things to do towards your goal, check something off every day, stay calm. You will get there.

Girlinterruption2020 · 30/04/2020 16:28

There is definitely an unhealthy fixation about grades that really deflects from the business of learning.

When you understand what that is about and where it comes from, you really see how irrelevant it is and not to get sucked into it.

KatieB55 · 30/04/2020 16:37

Passed GCSE maths at 3rd attempt, failed A'levels - have successful career in management. Started at bottom and worked up. Did OU degree in 30s. Many grads straight from uni may have good grades but that doesn't equal drive, commitment, flexibility, ability to communicate etc

Mrskeats · 30/04/2020 16:40

You are going to get a ton of people on here saying they got 1 Gcse and are now running a major corporation.
The stats show that good academic performance gives you a good foundation but it doesn't guarantee success. For people on here over 50 it was easier to work your way up but that's become much more difficult.

Mrskeats · 30/04/2020 16:41

I agree that your husband is a major problem though.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 30/04/2020 17:29

If you're in danger of getting a third... Is there any way you can delay these exams til next semester....

In the meantime readjust your home circs....

It's a hell of an investment to get something less than you deserve as your bloke is being a twat

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 30/04/2020 17:31

PS thirds aren't helpful as it automatically excludes you from applying to most graduate roles....

bridgetreilly · 30/04/2020 17:36

I find it hard to deal with problems in my personal life that it consumes me day to day so I become I'm unable to function.

This strikes me as a bigger problem than academic achievement. Have you looked into counselling to help you deal with things better?

RonObvious · 30/04/2020 17:41

In my opinion, these days the contacts you make, and the experience you gain during university are more important than your actual grades. It helps if you can try to put yourself out there a bit, although I appreciate it is difficult with a small child. Trying to speak with people at conferences / talks, or sending polite emails to people whose work interests you. Doing this landed me a couple of internships during my course, which greatly added to my CV. Or even getting involved with clubs / societies etc. You might find yourself talking with the right person, at the right time that way.

Reginabambina · 30/04/2020 17:44

There are other ways to be successful. Have you considered starting your own business? Or perhaps you have a creative talent?

Fromthebirdsnest · 30/04/2020 17:47

We are quite wealthy and have very wealthy friends in our friendship group , around 2 thirds have gone to university and did very well and a third didn't and have still done extremely well .. I didn't go to university, my husband did .. I don't think it's the be all and end all , you can still make something of yourself if you've got the drive to do so x

Waxonwaxoff0 · 30/04/2020 17:47

Life is what you make it.

Personally I'm bothered about having a "career". I did rubbish at school, no GCSEs let alone a degree! And yes, I have a low paid job as a result. But work/life balance is the most important thing to me and I have that with my job. I'm a very happy person and I enjoy my life.

Working on your self worth is the most important thing.