Lockdown revealing some home truths

[Cawillmay]

Posting in AIBU for traffic. I am finding lockdown really really hard. My baby is 6 months old, my older two are 6 and 8. I know I’m in a similar boat to loads of people and we’re all physically healthy so I shouldn’t complain..sorry. I’ve never had any issues with depression before but every day I’m in tears and the few hours I have at night when I’m not feeding the baby I find hard to sleep because I’m thinking about how I’m failing my kids..by not being strong, by not being a natural teacher, by getting angry, by shouting, by not being able to keep the house clean or tidy, by generally being a sh1t mum.
My husband, I think, despairs of me because while he’s working I frequently have to ask him for some sort of help mostly because I’ve got upset and need him to step in with the kids to put things right. The kids rarely listen to anything I say and are getting ruder by the day. It’s so difficult to teach them 2 sets of different work while the baby is crying or feeding which is most of the time. It’s so hard again to have any kind of routine because of the baby and I have to keep them quiet and away from my husband while he’s working. I’m so tired in the evenings I just go to bed so my husband and I haven’t been talking and I think he’s just really disappointed in me. My family live very far away and my siblings kids are much, much better behaved than mine..to the point where I don’t want to do family zoom calls because it’s embarrassing and I get upset afterwards because I feel my families judgement on my kids behaviour. Not judged in a nasty way but I think they feel sorry for me and also wonder why I don’t (can’t) impose a better routine/discipline. I know comparison is the thief of joy but it’s very tough not to with siblings kids. Baby isn’t in a daytime nap routine because that takes time to implement and I can’t leave the older two as they’d interrupt my husband.
I find myself retreating from my friends because they all seem to be doing such great things with their kids and I’m barely getting through the day. None of them have a baby so our lockdown experiences are very different I know.
I know this is a massive moan-dump and it’s a tough time for everyone but I feel so alone and not sure how I’ll get through this. I love my kids more than anything but I’m finding this so so hard.
Is anyone else in the same boat (kids ages) with any tips? Or generally any tips to get through this?

Oh OP, that must be so hard. Points are:

it IS hard being locked down with kids who have a large enough age gap that they have to do different things, and also being locked down with a baby. So dont beat yourself up.

Make sure you're getting a bit of time yourself every day, like a walk, bath or run.

Can your husband take any annual leave to help right now?

Failing that, can he set out clear working hours when he's available and not available?

Dont beat yourself up about the homeschooling. Theres stuff like Bitesize, endless YouTube videos, horrible histories, any books you've got in the house. We've kind of abandoned some of the set school work and are doing topic work both we're both interested in rather than the deathly dull topic the school has set.

I'd maybe speak to your family, unless there's a big backstory of them being toxic. It sounds like you're possibly getting depressed rather than them actually judging you?

Dont be afraid to go to the GP for help either.

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful reply @Willitneverend
Funnily enough, typing your username reminds me that not knowing when this will end probably has a lot to do with this. I’m generally quite good at adapting to situations but when there’s no clue of when or how this current situation will change, I find myself getting worse at coping rather than better.
Time to myself each day is a good idea and I’ll ask my husband about annual leave. He’s very good at helping me to be fair to him and while his job is busy, he can have some less busy periods (though hard to predict) and he’ll come and help/make lunch etc.
On the home schooling, yes the number of resources available is a bit overwhelming. I too have mostly given up on the set school stuff but the bloody school WhatsApp groups remind me all the time that most parents are sticking to it like glue as well as doing loads of other fun activities. And all I feel I do is get upset and cross😞 not ticking the learning or the fun box..hence the ‘I’m letting my kids down’ feelings.

Maybe you’re right re family. No they’re not toxic, they’re lovely..I’ve always felt a bit inadequate compared to my high achieving siblings so when things are tough for me, I go quiet. I wondered sometimes before lockdown whether I might have pnd but put my mood down to just the adjustment. Maybe this isn’t just lockdown toughness though.
Thank you..it’s been useful to read your reply and think things through.

You're doing absolutely fine, OP.

Your 6 and 8 year olds will be okay whether or not they do any of their school work at the moment. They're young, they have plenty of time to learn and catch up. And besides, most of their friends will be doing very little as well, despite what the performance parenting on the WhatsApp group says.

Honestly, as long as you get to the end of the day and everyone's been fed and is vaguely clean, you're doing just fine. Don't beat yourself up for not being able to be a teacher while you've also got a baby to look after.

What I would be inclined to focus on is (a) getting some time for yourself everyday, even if it's only 10 or 15 minutes; and (b) building good healthy relationships with your older children. Do fun things with them, have family time all together, make sure they get outside to play for a while, read some books with them if you can manage it. That's the most important thing right now, not school work.

And if your siblings are inclined to be sniffy about that, you could always smugly announce that you've decided to focus on making memories, rather than lockdown learning.

Hi, OP! I don't have a baby but my dc are about the same age as yours. It's very tough and I've been struggling with the school work too. I found a magic button to press though and I wanted to share it with you in case it helps.
I write their tasks every morning on a piece of paper with a box next to the task to tick once they've done it. We start at 9am sharp and if they are done by 2pm, they get some screen time playing their favourite game. If not, I just let them watch some kids TV of my choosing (so that I still get my break 😆) It has been a huge motivator and they like ticking the boxes. Also do you have a garden? Can they kick a ball, ride a bike etc in there to let off some steam?
I also tolerate no rudeness from them (they try). They end up in time out for bad behaviour and obviously any time spent in time out eats away the time they have to complete their tasks iyswm

Oh my, that sounds freaking tough OP. I like Imadogpersonreally idea on routine.
Nap routines are tricky to establish, so don’t beat yourself up. I found the 2,3,4 method worked well for my little one at around that age. As in those are the gaps between naps.
Be a friend to yourself OP, perfection doesn’t exist.

It’s tough OP. I’m in a similar place but my youngest is 3 and merrily distracting the others from their work or destroying their games!
We aren’t slavishly following the school work but picking a few things to do each day, plus some you tube lessons or bite size bits. I find that I can’t get anything productive from
Them in the afternoon so that time is for creative stuff, being in the garden weather permitting or reading etc. And lots of screen time. It’s tough!!!

Mine are 6 (yr2) 4 (reception) and 1. The older two are fine in that they play together nicely but they both need help with any schoolwork and I have the toddler constantly climbing in the table/drawing on the walls/putting things in his mouth/scribbling on the paper/pulling the laptop around. Honestly it’s a complete nightmare and I find myself getting cross with the baby because he makes everything so bloody impossible! We squeeze as much schoolwork in as possible when he naps in the afternoon but we are no way up to date with what the school has set. I suggest you mute the school WhatsApp group, you are in a totally different situation to each of them and you are doing your best. I would start with the kids behaviour and try to sort that out. Reward charts are still good at their age, they can earn iPad time/screen time in the afternoon or an extra story before bed or pocket money, anything that you know they will want to earn. Be really strict about it. I’ve also found sometimes I need to separate my older two as they wind each other up. I’ll send them up to their room for half hour one after the other. Give them a task such as an art project which could count towards schoolwork (today we researched did a two minute googleaboriginal art and they did a picture each). Talk to your husband about how you feel and how you think he can support you, he’s probably feeling really stressed too - working from home is not easy especially if you can hear arguing kids and an upset spouse downstairs. Call your family in the evening when the kids are in bed, I always feel better after a chat

Hi OP haven't read the full the thread. Mine are the same age as your older two. I haven't found lockdown has hard as I thought I would because I haven't had to moan and stress at the kids trying to rush around everywhere making it to school on time, so I'm more stressy when we haven't got a lockdown. But you have a baby on top of this, it is hard trying to look after all 3 and splitting yourself so many ways. I had an off couple of days the last 3 days my mood just dropped, stuck in due to the weather and last night I went shop and brought the biggest pile of chocolate and crap and ate til I felt sick, I was a size 8 but probably a size 22 after this. Home schooling is a drag and a constant 'we are going to do school work soon' and that goes on for a couple of hours as it's hard to motivate one of my children and when doing it I'm confused, they're confused and sometimes hardly anything gets learnt.

But anyway I used to sometimes feel like I had this guilt when mine were smaller, you feel like everyone just knows you are this bad parent when it's not true. Once the stress builds its easy to get upset at anything and snap, we've all cried in bed over guilt from throughout the day, I've done it loads!

The time will pass its just a phase, yes it's hard but it will be a thing you look back on one day.

My sons 6th birthday coming up and he told me today that I've never brought him anything big or made his birthdays good(I have!!) I prefer his sister and I tell him off everyday apparantly which makes me feel awful because I haven't been that bad...marvelous! He did think about it and take it back in the end.

It's hard just try get out for walks if you can etc

.....just read abit more above and omg it is so overwhelming all the VLE, Sam learning aswel as a million other websites I can't keep up, spelling shed, timetables rocks tars, it's like omg which do we go for today!! I sat there yesterday in the end spelling out how to spell the word 'the' t...... h.....e and my dc was still getting it wrong! My other dc had to guess the picture and spell it, it was a peach but my child wrote bum crack!!! I'm sure people reading this will now think I have unruly common children, they're not but that's how fantastic homeschooling went!

Also, if it's any help, I've been taking it that my toddler's exercise is a different exercise session to mine so some days I go out twice. The lockdown dementors might appear to try and hunt me down in a second but I have absolutely no guilt over this as I need to be in reasonable mental shape to do everything else I have to at the moment, and I know that running helps me ward off depression in normal times so I'd have a breakdown if I wasn't getting time to myself now.

Please don't feel you're a failure. I don't have children at home , but I know I would struggle.
Your husband works a few hours a day , you're on duty 24/7.
The fact you're worrying proves you're a good Mum.
Lots of other families are doing Instagram style lockdown , no one is perfect even if they portray that.
Hopefully you'll feel better soon , try and take the children out daily.
Could you go for a walk on your own later in the evening?
It's not just your job to look after everyone.

It’s horrendous but just remember it will be over as quick as it started. That’s my opinion!!
You are enough
You do enough
Write down 6 tasks you have to do the night before, prioritise them in order of importance, that means you’ve wrote it down so you don’t need to keep thinking about them over and over again then if you don’t get everything done carry it over to the next day. It really works. Today mine was.
Spellings with dd
Post office to send something back
Clean the Guinea pigs out
Pay the window cleaner
Reading with dd
Little bit ironing

Try it!!

I’m a primary school teacher & I say don’t teach your dc. If you’re going to teach them, do the same work, but give the youngest a little more support. I can’t imagine how hard it is for you with a 6 month old too.
I have 3 dc & I’m teaching the bare minimum. Hearing them read or you read to them, is the best thing you can do.

And it's fine to mute the school WhatsApp group, if it stresses you out.

Good god woman: you are not failing! You are managing well under horrendously difficult circumstances. I bet your husband isn’t disappointed in you - he’s probably a bit worried and a bit frustrated he can’t help more. I think you need to snooze the whats app group and run your own regime from bitesize (or whatever resource) instead. That way, your two older ones can be doing the same task instead of you running yourself ragged supervising different tasks. My teacher magic is: get them fascinated by something with a brilliant video, get them online researching, get them making powerpoints with pictures and whizzy effects. Then they fascinate you in turn with a presentation. They could even film each other doing the presentations. Any good?

Honestly, bugger the school work. Reading is important but that can be done in short bursts when you can.

Mine are 10 and 7. I am WFH all day every day. DH on shifts so often working or sleeping in day. It's impossible. Don't get me wrong I often think I just need to organise myself but they are fine! They will be fine! I was reminded by my mum when lockdown started of the 7 weeks of school I missed when I was 10 due to no teacher. I say reminded but I have zero memory of it and this was mid eighties with no options for home learning.

My point is you children will not suffer for it. The best you can do is feed, love your children, which is exactly what you're doing.

're disturbing your dh is this something he has said or something you think you have to do?

I’ve just read all these lovely replies and I want to say thank you sincerely to each of you for taking the time to write and for your wise, kind and understanding words. They mean a lot and there are some great ideas in there. It’s really nice to know I’m not alone. @Imadogpersonreally I like your tick box routine and will give it a try tomorrow-thank you 🙏 Yes we have a garden thankfully and the trampoline has been great, as has the old shoes under stabilisers ‘exercise bike’ trick!
@Pleasedontdrawonyoursister you’re right re separating them and In discussing with my husband this evening, he’s said that I can send the older one into him if he’s clear on what needs to be done and can do it without help, so that’s great-thank you! Thank you🙏
Thanks @Maybeimweird for giving me a proper laugh re 🍑 bum crack🤣
@Livelearntogether Thank you so much..I’m going to have a look at your links now.
And yes, I think I’ll be muting some WhatsApp groups tomorrow!
Really appreciate all the replies and words of wisdom. 💐 to you all

Aww bless you 💔 you're human and you're doing the best you can in these crappy circumstances!! The first thing you need to do is mute that WhatsApp group, there will no doubt be lots of fake it til' you make it's in there and it's not worth feeling rubbish about.

Second thing is remove the pressure regarding school work, just a couple of little bits, no need to do it from 9-3, you could do an hour in the morning and then your husband could do an hour between 5-6 when he's done working!! Don't forget either, that kids are always learning regardless of whether they're in the classroom or not, baking, painting, reading, collecting things on your daily walks all count.

Your kids could be acting out as they're a bit overwhelmed by the whole situation and can't outlet their feelings any other way, so keep things relaxed, I'd be tempted to let them choose a film each afternoon and all settle down together and watch it, and then ask them to write about it.....hidden school work 👍

Oh gosh OP you’re doing amazingly! Please don’t be so hard on yourself. I’ve got children of similar ages minus the baby and i can’t imagine tying to manage all this with a baby too! I know what you mean about them getting ruder. I’m trying to be gentle on mine about it because I know they must be bored and worried, buts it’s so hard!

The thing that stood out to me though was that you could have a proper sit down grownup talk with your 8 year old about independence. At this age he or she can and should be working independently and taking responsibility for home learning. Tell him/her how hard you’re finding it at the moment, and how proud you’d be if he or she could get sorted and ready on a morning and complete two learning tasks without being asked (e.g one maths sheet from White Rose and 20 mins reading alone). 6 yo can learn through play 🙂 and if there’s a baby in the house he/she is learning loads of science without even realising it. Get him/her to “help” by reading baby a bedtime story. That will be enough, honestly.
Keep going OP, one day this too will pass!

I’m struggling with my 6 and 8 year old and I don’t even have a baby thrown into the mix! You are amazing, hang on in there. This time will pass, and you’ll look back one day and think ‘how on earth did I get through that?’. But you will. Just take one day at a time.

Have a good talk with your DH. I’m sure he doesn’t ‘despair’ of you, he’s probably tired & anxious too, let him know how you’re feeling.

And mute the WhatsApp groups!!

Thank you all 🙏 WhatsApp groups muted. 8yr old has done 2 of his 4 tasks for the day. He’s also just woken up the baby from a nap🤯but is now burning some energy on the trampoline.
It’s been so useful to read your replies, hear your advice and also just get that acknowledgement that this is tough and will pass. Thank you all 💐

I'm the same position 8 month old, two primary school children and a 3 Yr old into the mix. I feel your pain and frustration. I'm also having feelings of guilt that I'm not meeting any of their educational or emotional needs during this time. Today is a particularly bad day with the school kids being really rude and unmotivated. I have cried and lost my temper several times already today and 7pm when my husband finishes work seems years away. However on good days I know that as long as they are fed and watered, have a bit of exercise, playtime and some reading/maths then we are winning at life. Be kind to yourself, you are doing a great job and the fact you posted on here talking about how worried/guilty you are shows you are a great mum who is trying her best.

Don't forget OP that like with most 'blow bubbles up my arse' social media, hardly anyone will be truthful if they're struggling just as much as you if not more.

It's all about 'look how wonderfully we're coping' when anyone with a brain cell knows it's difficult for most especially those of you with young children.

I've got nothing but admiration for you. Luckily my teens sleep ridiculously long so I get some chilling time.

But yeah, pls remember, a lot of it will be bollocks or just highlighting the good bits.