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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

was I or was he?

45 replies

strawberrylacesx3 · 30/04/2020 06:30

background; I live with my partner and we have a 6 month old baby. he has been furloughed, I am on maternity leave.

she has had a few bad nights recently (well, actually hasnt slept well since she was about 16 weeks although I know this is typical). I have done all night time wake ups, so I have been left shattered. we sort of compromise on this by me catching up when I can during the day (I get her to sleep then he has her on his lap whilst I grab an hour) this is great but last night was awful and I just felt super teary this morning and low. he is a horrendous snorer on top of this and kept me awake himself at various points during the night. I admit, I asked him to turn over quite a few times and was nudging him etc.

I went on the sofa this morning and shortly after baby started to stir, he called me a dickhead and said he would go on the sofa instead (presuming so he didnt have to tend to the baby) i said no I came out here so I could try and get an extra hour sleep (so i dont drip feed I was meant to have a work meeting discussing my return today so desperately wanted to get a tiny bit more) has gone mad at me, called me every name under the sun (cunt several times), said we are not even together because we dont sleep together that much so he might aswell never be in the bed anyway, told me he cant be bothered with this anymore, that he is moving out and that he is going to pick up some weed because I've pissed him off. to those who might doubt someone would go off like that for no reason, this was because I told him I'd come on the sofa due to his snoring.

sorry if this has gone on a bit, he has turned it on me now and is currently on the phone to his mum telling her hes moving back, that I'm a psycho and have been "kicking the shit out of him all night"

OP posts:
Leaannb · 30/04/2020 06:44

Good riddance to bad rubbish

allthesharks · 30/04/2020 06:45

You know YANBU. Tiredness is awful, but it's not an excuse to verbally abuse your partner. Does he ever get up in the night with the baby? Why does he need you to get the baby down for a nap before you can go and sleep yourself? Even if you're breastfeeding, that's not a reason for him to not spend time with the baby in between feeds so you could sleep in between feeds.

If this is how he's behaving I'd let him go to his Mum's. That way you don't have to put up with his snoring and you could have the baby co-sleep with you so hopefully you'll both sleep better.

Marnie76 · 30/04/2020 06:48

I Would text his mum exactly what you’ve put here. No way would I let him go spouting that crap.

MrsMozartMkII · 30/04/2020 06:50

Tell him not to let the door hit his arse on the way out.

tillytown · 30/04/2020 06:50

Let him go, he really isn't worth it.

Burplecutter · 30/04/2020 06:53

Let him go, do you really want him smoking weed around your little baby anyway? Also sounds like your DD would also be better off not growing up hearing that it's acceptable for a man to call his wife the C word and others. She should grow up knowing that a man should always respect his OH.

I'd be tempted to ask him what he would do if in 20+ years time another man called his dd the names he's called you and spoke to her in that way just because she couldn't sleep through his snoring.

AmelieTaylor · 30/04/2020 06:58

(((HUG))).
You poor thing, you must be feeling awful 🌷

As harsh as it sounds and as difficult as it will be to believe right now, you really will be better off without him. One baby is hard enough, a man sized toddler is beyond difficult.

Don't be afraid to tell your friends you've packed him off back to his mummy because he turned out to be a rest - most of us have made a mistake relationship wise along the way.

Do NOT apologise & beg him to stay or take him back unless you want your whole life to be like this. No matter what he says, they don't change!! No matter how hard this is now, it's better to rip the plaster off or you'll be doing this further down the line and with more kids to look after.

You're strong, let/make him go. You WILL be ok x

Original poster
strawberrylacesx3 · 30/04/2020 06:58

honestly, it's a relief to see that kind of response because he has told his mum and now his brother that I have been beating him up in his sleep Confused I am so tired at the moment it's hard to think properly so started doubting myself
he says baby doesnt settle as well for him

OP posts:
round4 · 30/04/2020 06:58

Yeah sorry but it sounds like you'd be better off without him. He's behaving like a total dick tbh.

pilates · 30/04/2020 07:00

What a disgusting specimen of a man. I would phone his mum and put her straight. So sorry but he’s shown his true colours and you are well rid. Is the fact that he hasn’t managed to get any weed due to the current situation any bearing on his aggressive outburst?

Original poster
strawberrylacesx3 · 30/04/2020 07:03

he hasnt smoked weed in ages, around a year and a half ago, so not sure if hes saying that because he trying to get a rise out of me as he knows I dont particularly like it

OP posts:
FTstepmum · 30/04/2020 07:04

What a despicable man, treating you like that. Do you have a support network? Please lean on them and let them know what's happening.

Calling you these names is verbal abuse. And your little girl will pick up on his tone and demeanour.

Let him go, please.

And try to muster the courage to tell your employer (if they are kind) too.

Xxx

Brevityisthesoulofwit · 30/04/2020 07:05

If I understand neither of you is working right now? So why aren’t you sharing night times 50/50? Another man who thinks looking after children is a woman’s job and doesn’t want to be inconvenienced by the child he helped create.

If you want to salvage this relationship (and I’ll be honest, I can’t see why you would) then try to make a plan for this evening in advance. Decide who is covering which times; eg him until 2am, you from 2am? And then in the morning discuss if either of both of you need a nap that day. (Unless she’s breastfed - but I’m sure there’s still a compromise in there!)

pinkyredrose · 30/04/2020 07:07

He's leaving? Brilliant result! Change the locks when he goes.

Original poster
strawberrylacesx3 · 30/04/2020 07:12

I am breastfeeding but often when she wakes during the night it's not to feed (offered but refuses) it's just a quick jiggle and she goes back to sleep (shes a nightmare to put her back in the crib though, takes a few attempts) he always says to wake him but he just doesnt wake up and if he does he is in a bad mood and gives up if he cant her back to sleep within a few minutes. I know being tired sucks but I am also tired and havent spoken to him like that. he told our baby he loves her but he doesnt love mummy, I would laugh if I wasnt so tired

OP posts:
roobine · 30/04/2020 07:13

I'm so so sorry that you're going through this. I could have written this post a few months ago and it was horrific - I've never felt as lonely as I did then.
You have to do what's right for you, but I do think if he is saying he is going to his mum's that this would probably be the best thing for you. Sleep deprivation is awful but it's amazing how much it's compounded by also dealing with twattish behaviour - you will probably feel much less knackered and more able to manage if he isn't around right now. I'm not saying that this is right because he's essentially copping out of his responsibilities but it sounds like you're in a situation where you need to prioritise your own mental health and the welfare of your baby.
Take care x

Ebbenmeowgi · 30/04/2020 07:17

'Baby doesn't settle as well for him' is code for he can't be arsed learning how to settle baby. Ours was a terrible sleeper, I learned eventually how to settle her better than dp simply because I had her more and learned how to do it faster. Didn't stop dp from pitching in and learning to do it himself.

blubberball · 30/04/2020 07:24

Let him go. You'll be better off.

custardbear · 30/04/2020 07:24

Daddy code for you do it love I'm
Going to sleep

My DH was dreadful at nights but we compromised by me going to bed really early and he did the evenings with the kids so I got 4 Ian hours Undisturbed sleep.

If he wants to leave, let him, he's an arse! But remind him he's having the baby at his house some nights and he'll have to deal with her then ... at that point you get undisturbed sleep!

ElizabethMountbatten · 30/04/2020 07:27

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the OP.

pictish · 30/04/2020 07:45

It sounds like he is of the opinion that all the night wakings are your remit and this display of tantrum and abuse is to serve as a warning and punishment for expecting him to do his bit as a father. Think about it...if the same scenario were to play out again, would you feel comfortable telling him that you need another hour and leaving him to see to baby? My guess is no...you’d fear another showdown, get off that sofa and go attend to baby leaving DP to slumber on in peace.
His work is done.

My advice, let this selfish cunt go to his bloody mother’s in a puff of self righteous indignation if he likes. Don’t attempt to stop him, don’t try to sort things out, don’t be the peacemaker. Let him go. It won’t be long before he wants to come home...at which point you hold the cards.

GammaRays · 30/04/2020 08:05

Honestly I feel like we dated the same guy! Leave now, you don't need him at all. I kicked my ex out when DS was 7 months after he got violent after acting like this. Best decision I ever made for DS. Being a single mum is hard, but it's easier than staying. And the truth will out eventually.

lockedinfornow · 30/04/2020 09:03

Fuck that, help him pack.

Cherrysoup · 30/04/2020 09:10

Honest to god, is this the sort of bloke you want around your dd? Setting a not so fine example., going off to get weed because he can’t cope? Well boo fucking hoo. What a whiny weak idiot he is. I agree, help the arsehole pack, get on to CMS and see what benefits you can get. Have you got any support from your family?

lockedinfornow · 30/04/2020 13:21

It sounds like he is of the opinion that all the night wakings are your remit and this display of tantrum and abuse is to serve as a warning and punishment for expecting him to do his bit as a father. Think about it...if the same scenario were to play out again, would you feel comfortable telling him that you need another hour and leaving him to see to baby? My guess is no...you’d fear another showdown, get off that sofa and go attend to baby leaving DP to slumber on in peace.
His work is done.

This!

My ex was an abusive peace of shit and this is what would happen!! In the end I was scared to even ask for any help at all! They manipulate you into thinking their way! Looking back, I don't know how I didn't see it.