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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To blame my exDH for my children's rubbish eating habits?

42 replies

PAN44 · 29/04/2020 18:15

Ex and I have shared custody of 13 year old twin DCs and I don't pretend that I can influence anything about the way he parents, couldn't before we split so no chance now. Anyway, he has never been any kind of cook plus he is incredibly lazy....so on his custody days him and the DCs have pizza night, fish and chips night and apparently we now also have 'support your local small business' night which basically means getting some other kind of takeaway from a local restaurant. He also has a cupboard full of shite - snacks etc that DCs help themselves to. The DCs love it - they tell me that there's nothing at my house they want to eat (ie biscuits, chocolate, ice cream) and are forever telling me about their latest takeaway at dads and how boring I am. (Actually, skint is more accurate!) Finally, ex has also always been a really late eater which I really struggled with when we were together. But the twins seem to be going that way too. I need to eat between 5pm and 6pm, they now don't want to eat until 7pm or later...which means I either hold on starving or we eat separately. It's pissing me off that his way seems to be the way they are going Angry Just wanted to rant really. But if IABU feel free to say!

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 29/04/2020 18:21

Various separate things to unpick.

You eat really really early- maybe you could have a snack in the afternoon then you won’t be starving. Plus as they get older more homework and clubs etc means that you simply won’t be able to eat a main meal that early

AtLeastThreeDrinks · 29/04/2020 18:24

Thirteen is a tricky age. You can't control what they're eating at his so I'd try not to worry about it –just know that you're feeding them properly (and they'll thank you in maybe 10-20 years' time!).

Re eating times, I'd stop waiting until 7pm if that doesn't suit you. If they can adjust to his times they can adjust to yours.

And longer-term, can you get them involved in planning and making meals? I'd try to encourage an interest in looking after themselves nutritionally, but obviously that depends what they're like/into!

Original poster
PAN44 · 29/04/2020 18:25

My fault, perfect Hmm

Oh well. I did ask Grin

OP posts:
GrumpyHoonMain · 29/04/2020 18:25

Why can’t you keep some of their fav snacks at home, are they overweight? I think 7pm is a reasonable time to eat tbh. 5-6pm is way too early with teens.

opticaldelusion · 29/04/2020 18:26

Eating between 5 and 6pm is not 'really, really early'.

OP, I think kids can learn that these are the rules here and those are the rules there. They're pretty adaptable. There's a great chapter title in a book I read years ago called 'Don''t blame grandma' which essentially says 'you parent the way that works for you and if it's not working try not to blame others'.

Stick to your guns and keep reiterating that this is the way you do it in your house.

Original poster
PAN44 · 29/04/2020 18:27

Atleastthreedrinks - yes I do try to feed them properly...I think tho that I feel pressured by the need to balance the shite they get the rest of the week. Sometimes I might want an easy life and throw a pizza in the oven too.

OP posts:
Original poster
PAN44 · 29/04/2020 18:29

Grumpy - I do, they just don't have an unlimited supply.

Opticaldelusion - but I can't actually make them eat it. I am now in a situation where I cook tea, serve theirs up and then leave it for them to reheat later. Yes I could chuck it in the bin if they dont eat with me but they wouldn't care, they'd happily survive on cereal.

OP posts:
Gatehouse77 · 29/04/2020 18:31

I do think that by 13 a later time for the evening meal isn’t unusual. I would be pissed off with being badgered to buy crap. And that does seem to be a direct response to what they get at their dad’s.
Is it possible to get them involved in making biscuits, cereal bars, popcorn, etc? I’d object less if they’ve had an active input rather than passive.
It’s hard but, hopefully, over time (and it could be a looong time 😤) they’ll realise that you’ve had their best interests at heart and won’t be so resentful.

DollyPomPoms · 29/04/2020 18:34

Just a 🙋‍♀️ We eat between 5-6pm and absolutely do not class that as really, really early!

CupoTeap · 29/04/2020 18:36

If it wasn't dads house it would be replaced with at so and so's house.

I'm in a similar position but younger dc. They can eat and drink what they like. It makes me feel I can't treat them sometimes to redress the balance.

AtLeastThreeDrinks · 29/04/2020 18:37

Oh I'm sure you are OP! Easier said than done but try not to put so much pressure on yourself –chuck a pizza on if you want to (with a salad on the side?); someone on here the other day said that humans are apparently really good at extracting the nutrients they need from the diet they have.

You're doing your best, it's just takeaway will always win out with teens.

I think 7 is a reasonable mealtime but I do know a few people who are starving if they don't eat at 5ish. We're all built differently!

Samtsirch · 29/04/2020 18:39

Could you find some information on healthy eating and show it to your ex or to your children ?
They need to start taking responsibility for their own health to a certain extent and need to understand the problems they are setting themselves up for in the future by existing solely on junk food and take always.
Beyond that though, there’s only so much you can do; arm them with info, set a good example, make healthy food available....

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 29/04/2020 18:41

Mine have always eaten later as 5pm is very early to get on from work and cook.

If he was never a cook and was lazy then you knew before having children what a co parent he would make. Can’t really moan about him now. You can instil healthy eating advice etc in your children and hope they follow it into adulthood.

userabcname · 29/04/2020 18:42

Huh? Of course eating between 5-6pm isn't really early! We ate at that time throughout my teens and I have continued to do so into adulthood. Sorry OP, I can't really help with the rest of it but yanbu for eating at that time!

Pumpkinpie1 · 29/04/2020 18:43

We eat between 5 & 6 which isn’t early. Going to bed later on a full stomach would just encourage over eating & snacking & restless sleep

Greggers2017 · 29/04/2020 18:50

Do you not work OP? Most people don't finish work until 5pm, then they have to travel home and then cook tea.

In regards to what your kids eat at their dads. None of your business really. I'm sure you'd be pissed off if he told you what to do.
When my kids are at their dads he parents them not me. I never interfere. Probably why we get on so well, as he's the same with me.

Lucked · 29/04/2020 18:53

I thinks kids that age don’t need such a set routine and can adapt to different households so don’t be held hostage. If i I ate at 5 I would need a supper but if that is when food is out I would eat it so put it in the table and let them reheat it themselves if they want it later.

What meals do they moan about? We don’t spend a lot on food but have fajitas, homemade burgers as well as the odd freezer meal. I do remembering a teenager and not appreciating food like stews and cottage pie and found them heavy and bland. Do they have meal preferences apart from fast food like curries?

Dishwashersaurous · 29/04/2020 18:54

I know that this is a total derailment sorry but for people saying that eating 5-6 is not really early. What time do you finish work?

I don’t know anyone who finishes work before half five and then travel time and cooking not physically possible to eat before seven

hellosunshine5 · 29/04/2020 18:55

I don’t think you are BU at all re meal times being between 5-6 OP - I personally eat later but I would think this is a pretty standard time for a lot of people. They will just need to adapt to this when at home with you as far as I am concerned...

I agree with PP re what they are being fed at their Dad’s though - frustrating as it is that’s his time to parent them however he sees fit. I’m sure they will see the light when they get a bit older though and realise he is just feeding them easy crap...

Flowers
ChandlerIsTheBestFriend · 29/04/2020 18:55

You eat really really early

No you don’t OP. 5-6 is a normal family dinner time.

AnPo · 29/04/2020 18:57

Also eat between 5 and 6 here and always have done.

That would be really, really annoying OP. Typical crap dad move. Does he have them three days every week? Of course then you can never let things go as he takes all the "lazy" coking days. Infuriating!

Not sure what you can do though. I'd be tempted to email your useless ex and say that providing decent nutrition is a basic tenant of parenting and he needs to provide healthy meals or you'll have to rethink your arrangement. If they're eating nothing but junk three days a week he's a hazard to their health really. Ugh YANBU

Molly499 · 29/04/2020 18:58

How is it even possible to eat so early, most people are still working until at lease 6pm. Re-heated food is not nice, food deteriorates quickly. Have a snack, get them to cook with you, eat at 7pm and make it a sociable event, sit down together and have a catch up, it might engage them more.

ChandlerIsTheBestFriend · 29/04/2020 18:59

How is it even possible to eat so early

Open mouth- insert food- chew- swallow.

ChandlerIsTheBestFriend · 29/04/2020 19:01

Loving all the faux naïveté “don’t you work? Most people don’t get home from before 6” posts. Grin

You are all well aware that there are a million and one different kinds of working patterns that will allow a family to eat between 5-6pm.

Darbs76 · 29/04/2020 19:01

I’ve always eaten between 5-6, little later on my office days. I couldn’t eat at 7-8pm, too late for me

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