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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it reasonable to worry about this or am I being a control freak?

38 replies

Northernstar1234452 · 29/04/2020 10:04

Hi all
Name changed and need advice please
My DD is 13 months old, me and her father split when I was pregnant. It’s been a hard road at times but things are ok now and he is a good dad. He sees her every other weekend.
Now he’s taken up his old hobby starting in August (all being well of it complies with social distancing) which means he will be committing to do it every Saturday. I asked what would happen with DD in that case and he said either his mum, sister or friend would have our DD. I have never met his friends but I know they have seen our DD a few times and have a son of their own. I just worry as she will still be young then and they haveant spent huge amounts of time with her before just the odd coffee here and there. Also they haven’t seen her at all during lockdown I’m sure she won’t really remember them by then. I’m fine with his mum or sister having her, but the friend thing did throw me. I wouldn’t leave her with my friends even and she’s seen them a lot but I am also prone to being a worrier.
Am I overthinking this and it’s fine for them to have her if his mum or sister can’t or is it unreasonable for him do this every weekend despite it eating in to his time with DD?
I want to approach this fairly and not be a control freak as he is just as much her parent as I am.

OP posts:
Brownyblonde · 29/04/2020 10:07

No I wouldn't be OK whatsoever with this. Palming his dd off to a 'friend'. He's lucky this friend is willing to even do that!! No way. His mum or sister I could just about understand. If he wants to do a hobby fine but he seriously needs to put his dd first. No way she he be dumping her on a mate.

Original poster
Northernstar1234452 · 29/04/2020 10:10

@Brownyblonde thanks for the reply. It does really make me feel uncomfortable. I have said I’m happy to have her then and he can pick her up after in the evening on Saturdays but he’s said it’s his responsibility to sort out arrangements as it’s his time with her and I do understand that but I’m afraid I don’t feel I could relax with that arrangement

OP posts:
curious79 · 29/04/2020 10:10

I don’t know the exact circumstances but is his suggestion that a friend looks after your daughter for a few hours so that he can can continue with his contact time once his hobby is over? I think it depends on the length of time, how well he knows the person, and how the person is introduced to the child. If he is a good father do you think you even need to question this? Would he not consider safeguarding? Or would he put his new hobby above those concerns?

Original poster
Northernstar1234452 · 29/04/2020 10:14

@curious79 thank you. They are friends he’s known for a very long time and I believe it’d be mid morning til mid afternoon but haven’t had the times confirmed yet. He is a good dad he loves her and interacts with her and does communicate with me well but sometimes I think he doesn’t have the same worries as me. I think about how our DD would be feeling in the company of people she isn’t too familiar with and I just don’t want her to feel anxious - that’s where my main concern is coming from

OP posts:
Original poster
Northernstar1234452 · 29/04/2020 10:15

Also @curious79 yes he would then pick her up and have her overnight once he’s finished

OP posts:
mum11970 · 29/04/2020 10:15

It’s his contact time so his choice of carer for your daughter. As long as she’s in no danger then I can’t see the problem.

ADreamOfGood · 29/04/2020 10:15

So he's going to see her two days a month? He's not a good dad.

ComtesseDeSpair · 29/04/2020 10:17

He very likely hasn’t asked his friends and is just assuming they’ll help out - I can’t imagine anyone wanting to look after someone else’s baby, unpaid, for several hours every other weekend. If he has, I expect they’ve assumed he means on the very odd occasion when he has no other options.

I don’t think you can quibble over his mum or sister taking care of her, that’s a reasonable thing to allow his family to build a relationship with her. If he’s a good dad and you’re amicable just speak with him about your discomfort over the friends and point out it’s an unreasonable thing to ask of them, too.

Lazypuppy · 29/04/2020 10:17

If its his time with her you don't get a say in how he parents her. Same as he doesn't get a say when she is with you.

I think its odd you wouldn't leave Your dd with friends

Original poster
Northernstar1234452 · 29/04/2020 10:23

Thank you for the replies.
I am aware that some people may think it’s odd that I wouldn’t leave my daughter and I am the first one to admit I am a worrier so this is why I want to hear from you all to get a more balanced view
I also respect the point made about it being his time and therefore I shouldn’t get a say, I do understand where you’re coming from

OP posts:
Original poster
Northernstar1234452 · 29/04/2020 10:25

@ADreamOfGood it’s every other weekend he has her Friday evening - Sunday morning

OP posts:
Umnoway · 29/04/2020 10:27

She’s 13 months old so basically still a baby who needs consistency and does not need to be passed from pillar to post. He can do his hobby in his own time, he barely sees her by the sounds of it so should have plenty of time.

Booboostwo · 29/04/2020 11:20

I don't think you get much say in this. What he is proposing is not abusive or neglectful and it's his contact time to arrange as he wants. How would you feel if the tables were turned and he wanted a say over a similar choice you made over your contact time.

While it is possible that your DD may experience some stress being left with this family friend, your Ex is also her parent and he gets a say on whether it is reasonable or not for your DD to put up with this. I would imagine many 13 month olds have to adjust to being looked after by new people in nurseries, with childminders, etc. It's not a particularly unique situation.

devildeepbluesea · 29/04/2020 11:23

Tbh I think the real issue here is that he is planning to palm his daughter off on other people every single time he has her. This is shit. He needs to put her first and do his hobby every other weekend.

Windyatthebeach · 29/04/2020 11:23

Sadly a judge would agree his time, his choice of babysitter.
Ultimately you have to trust his parenting decisions.. Would you let him tell you your friend was unsuitable?
*ime of court and such issues..

Winterwoollies · 29/04/2020 11:27

What’s the point in him having her if he’s going to dump her with a friend for the duration of his time? He hardly has her as it is. I’d be uncomfortable with it, too.

Gawdsake2020 · 29/04/2020 11:28

He’s a crap dad.
You’re not parenting If you’re palming the child off to go do a random hobby. No point in her even going?

Mosaic123 · 29/04/2020 11:31

I dint think you are worrying necessarily. He's being selfish. He needs to do that hobby when he's not supposed to be with DD.

Windyatthebeach · 29/04/2020 11:32

I argued in court ex was drinking at his mates eow and dc were sleeping in a chair until he dragged them home. Apparently that is acceptable...
My barrister told me judge's are reckless with other people's dc.. His words.
Imo the quicker you accept this is going to happen the better your mh will be long term.
Flowers

Original poster
Northernstar1234452 · 29/04/2020 11:33

Thank you again
It’s not that I think his choice of friend is not responsible, I don’t have any reason to believe that. I just worried that leaving her with people she doesn’t have a strong relationship with would cause her a degree of anxiety
But yes I can see that it does compare in a similar way to getting used to a childminder etc so thank you for the perspective.
We do communicate well and I can put myself in his shoes and I often do that, I always do encourage him to tell me if he doesn’t feel comfortable with something I’m doing as I do know the importance of us having an equal input and the reason for this post is because I do not ever want to be intrusive in their time together just because I’m a worrier so I do thank you for the responses. I feel as though it’s natural as a mum to worry about your baby but as I said in my original post I am aware that he is just as much her parent as me so I don’t ever wish to make him feel inadequate - gosh there’s so many things to consider.
Co parenting is a real challenge!

OP posts:
Original poster
Northernstar1234452 · 29/04/2020 11:40

@Windyatthebeach I’m so sorry to hear that - that would really make me sick with worry. We had a hard time at the beginning and clashed a lot, I suffered a mental breakdown and was overcome with severe PND for most of the first year from the conflict but things are looking up now. We have both listened to each other much much better and I still have weekly counselling sessions (albeit through Skype now). I think a lot of my anxiety comes from things like this as I’m so scared for anything to turn in to a conflict again so I try and do everything I can to avoid arguing. My mental health is a huge thing I have to consider which is why I’ve posted because if the majority do think I’m unreasonable I will accept that and not raise this with him and rock the boat as neither of us need that unless it’s absolutely necessary. I do worry so much about DD being happy and feeling secure so that’s where my concerns come from but I’m almost at a point where I don’t trust my own concerns sometimes because I can’t tell if I’m being triggered from anxiety or if I’m being rational. That’s very scary to hear your Barristers opinion of judges I hope we never end up in a court room it’s my idea of hell. I hope things have settled for you now.

OP posts:
Windyatthebeach · 29/04/2020 11:40

The thing is she won't get chance to form other relationship if you don't let it happen!! If she isn't happy with the friend I bet the friend quickly withdraws the offer anyway! It is tough op. Been there.
Learn to appreciate and make the most of dc - free time. I bought a puppy!!

Lllot5 · 29/04/2020 11:44

Surely that time is for her to see her dad not being left with mum sister or random friends.

Original poster
Northernstar1234452 · 29/04/2020 11:46

@Windyatthebeach
You are right. And I absolutely want her to have close connections with other people. Thank you now there’s an idea - I do love dogs Grin

OP posts:
cheeseismydownfall · 29/04/2020 11:55

I was very much like you and would never have left any of my children with friends at that age (unless it was an emergency) - I recognise though that other people make different choices that work for them. So I I don't think you should worry about it as such, unless you have specific reasons to be concerned about any of the proposed care givers.

I do however think that this is a shit and selfish choice by your ex. Contact time is supposed to be for your DDs benefit to build her relationship with her father, and for her to be spending such a large chunk of that time away from him during every contact period is clearly not going to be helpful in that aim. Regular contact with extended friends and family is great and to her benefit, but is is clearly about what works for him and not for your DD. I would not be happy.

That said, if he doesn't see it that way, I don't suppose there is much you can do, and sadly you may just have to let it go.

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