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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Men at work apologise for swearing in front of me

56 replies

PinkPlantCase · 29/04/2020 08:33

In the business I work in people don’t swear that much but that kind of language does get used in general conversations.

I’ve noticed this more since working remotely, I work in a male dominated industry and one of the managers started apologising to me specifically (the only female) in virtual meetings when he swore. Now everyone else is doing it. I have said that the swearing doesn’t bother me.

AIBU for this to bother me? The men don’t apologise to each other when they swear 🙄 and now they do it on client meetings too.

OP posts:
givemecrisps · 29/04/2020 09:22

I work with all men and happily swear with my
Team in conversation, I do find if people come in that haven't worked with us before they do tend to apologise for their language. Until they hear us all do it haha. I work on the railway and have done for nearly 14 years.

Nicolastuffedone · 29/04/2020 09:23

Yes, exactly this. I don’t want to be ‘one of the lads’ why would I?

Nicolastuffedone · 29/04/2020 09:24

That was to NoMorePoliticsPlease

ErrolTheDragon · 29/04/2020 09:26

Perhaps they worked with a female in the past that took offence to this and complained about them so they feel they have to apologise.

So just because one woman might behave in a certain way you think it's ok they extrapolate that to women in general rather than treating the OP like any other colleague?
It's a small but annoying example of sexism.

it encourages people to be more mindful of their language and have some self-control.

But they're not. Adults generally manage to not seriously swear in front of kids or relatives they think would be shocked etc. This is a bit different.

Lolapusht · 29/04/2020 09:32

Another vote for something along the lines of “Yeah, watch your fucking language”. I’ve had it too and it really annoys me. It assumes that all women are simpering little princesses who would never do anything as vulgar as swear 🙄. Equally as bad is when they say “‘Scuse my French”. It’s not French, it’s swearing!!! 😡

mrsbyers · 29/04/2020 09:33

Just tell them to fuck off and stop being ridiculous

Winterwoollies · 29/04/2020 09:34

Ask him, in front of everyone, “why do you single me out to apologise every time you swear?” Do it with a bemused half-smile on your face, maybe raise an eyebrow, and see what he says. Because he’ll look a complete twat if he says it’s because you’re a woman. So he very likely won’t, he’ll bluster and look a complete twat anyway.

trappedsincesundaymorn · 29/04/2020 10:01

Next time he apologises reply with

"I'm more offended about you apologising than I am about the fucking swearing. Why the fuck do you do that?"

beautifulmonument · 29/04/2020 10:55

I get this too OP and it drives me nuts! I work in a male dominated industry and am frequently the only female in the room/meeting. They may as well say "you're different and you don't belong here".

Jupiters · 29/04/2020 13:03

Ask him, in front of everyone, “why do you single me out to apologise every time you swear?” Do it with a bemused half-smile on your face, maybe raise an eyebrow, and see what he says. Because he’ll look a complete twat if he says it’s because you’re a woman. So he very likely won’t, he’ll bluster and look a complete twat anyway

I do a version of this...I ask why they are singling me, the only female in the room, out. Generally don't get a logical answer but it does tend to stop them doing it again.
I do work in a fairly swearly environment tho. I dislike being singled out on the basis of my gender.

OneandTwenty · 29/04/2020 13:13

Each to their own, I like to be treated like a woman and not one of the "men" at work. No one dares nicking my pens and I have my own private toilet, what's not to like.

Original poster
PinkPlantCase · 29/04/2020 13:39

Thanks for the replies, some top advice 👍🏻 I guess I just haven’t been quick witted enough with them in the past.

I don’t really swear day to day but everyone’s right, the singling out is more offensive than the swearing!

OP posts:
Mlou32 · 29/04/2020 13:50

I think it's just good old fashioned manners. However if you don't like it, just say so.

ErrolTheDragon · 29/04/2020 15:28

I think it's just good old fashioned manners.

No, it's bad old fashioned manners. Good manners would be to not swear in the first place. An apology just to the woman is a small but irksome piece of old fashioned sexism.

CheesyMother · 29/04/2020 16:05

This is sexism, and it’s always bad even if is “benevolent”. Have a read of this:

www.nyu.edu/about/news-publications/news/2020/april/children-who-hold--benevolent--sexist-views-are-also-likely-to-p.html

In terms of dealing with it, in similar situations I would often say “I’m not in the least offended, but I think xxx might be”. That was where I was junior to the person swearing and was apologised to (as the only woman present) but the other junior person there wasn’t...

AufderAutobahn · 29/04/2020 19:22

That would annoy me too. It sounds like one guy in the virtual meeting apologised to you once specifically out of old-fashioned chivalry, but the rest assumed you must have said at some point you don't like swearing and now think they need to say sorry to you too. You could just laugh next time, say it's fine and ask them all why they do this.

Glitteryone · 29/04/2020 19:29

Fuck sake mate, no need to apologise should put a stop to it.

To be honest though the apologising to you as the only female wouldn’t bother me at all - it’s chivalrous.

Northernlass99 · 29/04/2020 19:38

I’ve experienced this, and it does feel awkward and sexist.

Ideally I’ve had said ‘why are you only apologising to me? If swearing is acceptable no need to apologise to anyone, if it’s not acceptable apologise to everyone’

IRL I probably just squirmed!

PlumpkinPete · 29/04/2020 19:59

Perhaps they worked with a female in the past that took offence to this and complained about them so they feel they have to apologise.

Well that's exactly the point. Instead of treating OP as an individual, they're making an assumption about her based entirely on her sex. Which is sexist.

Those people saying they'd prefer people didn't swear are missing the point. Whether you're male or female you can object to people swearing at work but OP doesn't object to swearing so there's no need for people to apologise to her. But they think they do because of preconceived ideas about how women should behave.

Great ideas here about how to tackle this.

EdwinaMay · 29/04/2020 20:01

God I hate 'potty mouth' - Americanism which is weird here as only babies use potties. American women, ime, say go potty for going to the loo, having a pee, having a shit, having a piss. It's cringeworthy.

'Don't fucking apologise' sounds the best option.

TheLette · 29/04/2020 20:05

My boss used to do this in client meetings - often I'm the only woman and also the youngest person in the room. Drives me nuts. Particularly when it happens just after I've mouthed off about something! (The client meetings can be quite informal!) I told him off and he hasn't done it for a while.

BeetrootRocks · 29/04/2020 20:12

I've had this and yes it is sexist. PPs who said '. They may as well say "you're different and you don't belong here" is the way I felt.

I swear like a trooper anyway.

New company is v sweary I feel much more comfy!

Jennifer2r · 29/04/2020 21:24

I like the advice to quietly say "I should fucking hope so", followed by moving on the conversation.

OntheWaves40 · 29/04/2020 21:33

Geez too many women on here happy to let men treat them different and be sexist. It’s not wonder women are finding it so difficult to have their voices heard, it’s not just men its a lot of women too who think like that.
Politely call him out on it. Ask him directly why he apologised to you.

Lucyccfc68 · 29/04/2020 21:38

You can't go more than 30 minutes where I work without someone swearing. Construction/engineering business and 90% men.

I was the only woman in a meeting a while ago and our CEO said 'fuck'. He turned to me and apologised and I said 'Why haven't you apologised to Steve and Brian for swearing or are you just being sexist?' This was said with a smile, so he responded (laughing) and said 'Sorry Steve and Brian for saying fuck and Lucy, you can fuck right off'

Everyone burst out laughing and I responded with 'fuck you too'.

We just got on with the meeting as if nothing had happened and he's not apologised to me since for swearing.

I love where I work and everyone has a brilliant sense of humour.