To throw my bf an online baby shower ?

[Isobored]

(Live overseas so not in lockdown)

Long term friend but not childhood friend is expecting. Pre COVID-19 we talked about me helping organise her baby shower or for me to host it at mine. I have a suitable space that lends well to parties. She was thankful of the offer but her only concern was putting me out / upsetting me. (TTC / failed IVF) So we decided to talk about it closer to the time. But she was 100% going to have a shower and wanted me to help ..... It is now closer to the time. AIBU to throw her an online shower? She would have had one in some format if the pandemic hadn't happened. I want to give her something to look forward to /remember and maybe for her to get some gifts along the way if people are happy to give (100% no obligations)
I was thinking on getting it nearly organised and tell her the week before (so she isn't stressed about it) or keeping it a surprise.
I thought that if anyone wanted to send gifts they could get them delivered to her DH or to mine. Was going to send some decorations to her DH to set up a room in the house. Have balloons / flowers delivered on the day. With her favourite takeaway and some cupcakes. I've seen some easy online games and I'd set up a guest book online that she can print and keep.
I was going to ask her DH for help and I know a couple of her other close friends who can help with guest list ect.
AIBU to do this or is it best left to her BF or DM.

Yeah, go right ahead. Why not? Sounds even more boring than a face to face one. But if it’s what you both want, crack on.

Tbh I hate baby showers in whatever form they come but if you're friend will like it then why not.

Your* bloody phone today.

for you
I am not a fan of baby showers but for some reason I am liking the idea of an online one!
I too live a long way from my family so perhaps thinking this would be the best way rather than travelling for a baby shower.
I like your idea. Why don’t you contact her DM or BF and organise it between you.

Oh ! I didn't realise they were so taboo ..... I've always enjoyed them (even although some of them I've found emotionally tough)

Yeah if she wants one and people want to join it’s reasonable to do one online.
That would be even harder to decline than a physical event though for any reluctant guests.

Not a fan of baby showers either but if she would like one it sounds lovely op. You sound like a very good friend.

I planned on getting it to a stage before farming it out, her DM isn't great and her BF is currently in home school hell so didn't want to be a burden. But will definitely get their involvement without giving them lots of additional work!

I loved my baby shower. Was lovely for all the ladies to get together and share stories and play games.

I think it sounds like a brilliant idea and lovely of you to go to so much trouble.

With gifts though. All baby showers I have done the guests bought what they wanted and not clubbed together. However with covid it might be easier to encourage amazon or supermarket vouchers so she can buy what she needs when she wants it?

I was thinking people can buy gifts and I would collect them locally or drop them off / delivered at hers / mine. Or arrange online vouchers ...... wasn't thinking or clubbing together.

Baby showers usually make me feel a bit bleurgh but an online one feels better. No idea why!

A couple did one here in Houston where the guests drove by in a car parade and dropped gifts on the driveway. Then they did the unwrapping of gifts in zoom. We did one last week for a birthday too.

Mumsnet hates baby showers OP, only on here are they taboo.

That’s a great idea, you are a fab friend. I’d go for it! Might even steal this idea if things haven’t cleared up by end of the year, my sister is due in November.

I’d ask if anyone wants to get her a gift they can have it delivered to you. Then arrange the husband to come get them all the day before or whatever so she has them on the day.

I was part of an online one very recently after the actual in person one had to be cancelled, obviously! It was lovely, we didn't do presents or anything, just chatted for an hour and guessed name/weight etc. It was nice because it was very relaxed and the mum to be still got a bit of a fuss. I've never been to an actual baby shower (thank goodness) but this one was lovely

Any ideas on the best way to handle gifts (if people are happy to give)

Any sort of baby shower is a massive, cringey attention-seeking fest. Don't do it.

I tend to agree @Mucklowe

It's not only on MN that baby showers are taboo, plenty of people I know are openly against the idea and see them as grabby.
I have been invited to a few, including ones with gift lists, themes, dress codes and the hideous cake with pink or blue sponge.
If invited to an online one I think my WiFi would be playing up that day.

So how is a baby shower, without a gift list grabby?

Are parties of any description grabby?
Birthday - you bring a gift
Housewarming - you bring a gift
Engagement - you bring a gift
Hens - you bring a gift / pay $$ to attend
Wedding - you bring a BIG gift
Christening - you bring a gift
Dinner party / gathering of any sort - you bring a gift (wine / flowers / beer / sweets)

Am I missing something ?

Isobored I am with you.

Most people that only go to baby shower dont then visit baby when its newborn with a gift.

The very good friends that do have no issue with then bringing a small gift when visiting the new born.

All my friends and family who came to mine came for a girls get together, play games, drink tea, chat and have fun. I was overwhelmed with everyone's kindness but would have had no issue if they didn't bring a gift. We were celebrating my last weeks as a woman to becoming a mum and I was so grateful for that time with them all.

I will always go to a baby shower and will take a gift or a gift voucher.

Re collecting gifts. Either get them sent to you prior to the party. Then get them to your friends dh to present to her on the day. They can be put in quarantine In the boot of his car or something.

If you dont keep it a secret then get them sent direct to your friend and she can collect them ready for party day.

I would say though to put it to people it's only if they want to get a gift and there is no pressure. Some people may be struggling for money and dont need additional pressure on top.

UK tradition is a present when the baby has safely arrived. For some reason the Yanks do it before this, although I believe they don't then give presents once childbirth is over. It looks grabby in the UK because it signals an expectation of two presents.

as not every stork lands safely, I still think they are a bad idea. Just go for a meeting (in normal times) with your mates and talk about something OTHER than the baby.

If you’re not expected to give gifts it’s not a baby shower, is it. Just a nice pre baby get together with friends. The shower is quite literally the gifts bit.

I think it's a lovely idea if you are up to it emotionally. However, if it is too much I don't think you need to put yourself out. I think it's generally thought that DM or partner should not be organising as it looks like a gift grab - that's why friends tend to organise.

I've spoken to her DH and he thinks it's a lovely idea! She is really under pressure at work and needs a boost! So we've set a date and he is getting me a guest list. There is no expectation around gifts, but anyone who wants to can get them delivered to me or do so digitally!

OP, the British don’t traditionally do baby showers. They think they are tacky and grabby, as opposed to North Americans who find them a caring and joyful way to celebrate their relative/friend’s impending arrival. Very different cultural points of view.