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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Half sister - would you make contact?

46 replies

MyHalfSister · 29/04/2020 04:04

I’ve known my whole life that my biological father wasn’t part of my life . I grew up knowing that my mum’s partner (my lovely dad) wasn’t my biological father. I had a nice life and I have a lovely dad, don’t assume the dad thing is my driver here, but I’ve also known for 20 years or so that I also have a half sister. She lives in the same city. She has no siblings. I don’t think she knows that I exist.

I’ve always wondered if she’d want to know about me, about my family, her extended family. Lockdown and the sudden finality of some family connections brought this to the fore again and made me wonder if the responsible thing is to make contact with her. Is it? As older sibling with full knowledge of situation is that what I should be doing? What if she does know some of it and just hasn’t chosen to make contact herself?

I want to make contact. If I’m honest, I have done for years. AIBU?

OP posts:
Josette77 · 29/04/2020 04:06

My sister found me. I would make contact, but have no expectations about her response.

BeforeIPutOnMyMakeup · 29/04/2020 04:07

Make contact and have no expectations.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/04/2020 04:16

Be very aware that even though this woman may be your half sister, she may not be someone you want in your life. You know nothing about her, so tread very carefully.

browzingss · 29/04/2020 04:24

I’ve always wondered if she’d want to know about me, about my family, her extended family.

Like others have said, have no expectations going in. She may not consider you as family as you have no relationship, so she might not want to get to know you or your extended family. And also, there’s no guarantee that she’s a nice person that you need in your life either.

How are you planning to contact her?

If I was in her shoes, I’d think I would like to be aware I had a half sibling but not sure if I’d necessarily want to sustain a relationship

Antipodeancousin · 29/04/2020 05:15

My biological father is not in my life. If I had a half sibling out there somewhere I would love for them to get into contact with me.

dickensinthepark · 29/04/2020 05:20

I have a half sibling, we are occasionally in touch but they have other siblings and I'm not part of their family group. I'd like it to be different but we have so little in common and barely know each other even though we live just a couple of miles away from each other. I'd get in touch but not have high expectations.

grumpyfuckerr · 29/04/2020 06:47

If a half sister contacted me I would absolutely want to know them. But I have always wanted a sibling that was ‘mine’ and my own age. I do have two sisters, but they are significantly younger than me and are very close to each other, I’m the odd man out so to speak.

Go for it OP. You have nothing to lose if she doesn’t want to get to know you. Just have no expectations.

Phifedean123 · 29/04/2020 08:05

My half sister did contact me and we were in touch for a little bit but she had a lot of mess going on in life and I was pregnant at the time, I just found it all a bit stressful so the contact slowly stopped. I still think about her and hope she is doing well always. Our dad wasn't really a good person though (not ever really involved) I think I might have found the whole thing triggering. I think I probably disappointed her and I feel bad but it was just a whirlwind of information at a bad time

I'd make contact though as you never know you could form a good relationship but keep expectations low and start off contact gently

GreyhoundzRool · 29/04/2020 08:07

I wouldn’t- wouldn’t want to potentially turn someone’s life upside down. I wouldn’t want to be contacted

Dozer · 29/04/2020 08:11

As PPs say, make contact with your eyes open about potential outcomes.

Your bio father behaved very wrongly if he didn’t tell her about you. It seems far more likely he did.

EveryLifeHasASoundtrack · 29/04/2020 08:13

Personally I wouldn’t but that’s because I know I wouldn’t feel any connection to her as there’s no contact with your biological father. I wouldn’t want to be contacted if I was the sister either.

Everyone is different though and only you know how you feel. As others have said, if you do, keep expectations low.

WindyRose · 29/04/2020 08:13

Nothing ventured....nothing gained! I would love a sibling(s) to get in touch with me unfortunately I don't even know who my father was and will probably die still wondering.

I would suggest though, to go into this with your eyes wide open and prepare for the worst....then if you are welcomed with open arms and get along with her, that's a bonus!

Wishing you all the very best and please report back? ;-)

DivGirl · 29/04/2020 08:18

I wouldn't, because I know that for myself I wouldn't consider someone that I happened to share an uninvolved parent with 'family'. I don't consider my dad's children family anyway, and I keep in touch with him.

By all means you could reach out, but if she doesn't respond don't follow it up. And contact her in a way where there isn't a "read" icon. No one needs that pressure!

Bananabixfloof · 29/04/2020 08:19

Well I did this years ago, contacted my half sister. It petered out. We didnt have anything in common, I felt like I was doing all the running. She never once called me or came by my house or sent a letter/card.
I felt like I was atoning for our mothers mistakes, which were obviously not my mistakes.
I also felt like she had a nice upbringing and I hadnt and still I was atoning.
So I'm glad we met. Possibly it would have been better at a different time in our lives. But manage your expectations.

HandfulofDust · 29/04/2020 08:23

I would make contact but be realistic about what her reaction might be. She might be totally indifferent and not respond, You may meet and find it really awkward and not really keep up a relationship. As long as you're not overly invested in it though I see no harm in getting in touch.

timetest · 29/04/2020 08:26

I would.

Quarantimespringclean · 29/04/2020 08:50

I know I have younger half siblings out there. I would be thrilled if one of them got in touch.

welldonesquirrels · 29/04/2020 08:54

I have an older half brother and half sister via my father, who I'm estranged from. Apparently I also have a niece and nephew. I've never met any of them and it's never occurred to me to seek them out.

Tbh, I'm not sure how I'd feel if they got in touch with me. I'd probably respond politely and I would be nice about it but I don't think I'd be thrilled or be overly interested in trying to forge a relationship.

Who knows, it's different for everyone. Like past posters have said, reach out but with no expectations is probably the best strategy.

JustMarriedBecca · 29/04/2020 08:59

I had a half sister contact me. It wasn't done in an appropriate manner and we had nothing in common. I didn't want her shared parent in my life and it petered out. Just because you share DNA it doesn't give you a bond. I felt the same link with this girl as I would a random person in Sainsbury's.

Expect nothing but get off on the best way - contact via letter not Facebook

Gawdsake2020 · 29/04/2020 09:26

I wouldn’t. My children have half siblings and if they ever got into contact with them it’d throw my DCs life’s upside down as they aren’t aware of them. I would wait to be contacted, you don’t know her you can’t just be “surprise I’m your half sister!”

EdersonsSmileyTattoo · 29/04/2020 09:44

I’m in a similar situation, although I am the younger half sibling, I’m adopted and my birth Dads family have been making enquiries about me.

I can only speak for myself and my situation is not the same as yours, but I don’t welcome this contact at all, I have my life and family and these strangers are nothing to do with me. I would see it as a massive personal intrusion if they came knocking.

crispysausagerolls · 29/04/2020 09:51

If you have not grown up with half siblings; they are really just strangers who share some DNA. I have some half siblings, they are younger and they are constantly
In touch. I find it quite awkward and feel
Very mean but I simply don’t return their sentiments because they are just strangers I have no emotional bond with.

You could reach out for curiosity’s sake, but I would try to remember that sharing some DNA doesn’t magically make you best buddies.

salemcat · 29/04/2020 09:58

I have an older half sister, I have no information about her other than her first name, not got a clue about that side of the family at all & no one to ask about it. I have always wondered about them & would have been interested in learning more about them, although I was always told they wanted nothing to do with me, so meh.

Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal · 29/04/2020 10:00

I wouldn’t.

Rainycloudyday · 29/04/2020 10:07

@Gawdsake2020 how do you feel about concealing that info from your DC? I would personally worry hugely about their reaction to my knowing and not telling them, WHEN they find out. Because of course they will. There’s may be a huge backstory with a justified reason for the secrecy because otherwise I can’t imagine concealing that information from my children.