Half sister - would you make contact?

[MyHalfSister]

I’ve known my whole life that my biological father wasn’t part of my life . I grew up knowing that my mum’s partner (my lovely dad) wasn’t my biological father. I had a nice life and I have a lovely dad, don’t assume the dad thing is my driver here, but I’ve also known for 20 years or so that I also have a half sister. She lives in the same city. She has no siblings. I don’t think she knows that I exist.

I’ve always wondered if she’d want to know about me, about my family, her extended family. Lockdown and the sudden finality of some family connections brought this to the fore again and made me wonder if the responsible thing is to make contact with her. Is it? As older sibling with full knowledge of situation is that what I should be doing? What if she does know some of it and just hasn’t chosen to make contact herself?

I want to make contact. If I’m honest, I have done for years. AIBU?

I've never met my dad, not even sure he knows I exist - he knew my mum was pregnant but she never confirmed he was the father (theirs wasn't a serious relationship). As they were both early 20s at that time, chances are he's gone on to have a family and I have half siblings out there.

I've never tried seriously to find him, on the grounds that it's seriously unfair to disrupt his and his potential family like that. After 40+ years it's not like we could have a father-daughter relationship, nor do I need one.

Having said that - if I do have half siblings and they were to track me down somehow, I'd be cautiously pleased. Cautious because I'd have no idea what they're like as a person, and whether they have an agenda. Pleased because hey, not an only child after all!

My sisters found me. I knew about them though. I've only met them a few times then out of the blue they stopped contacting me. Just make sure if you contact her you dont take it personally if she does not want a relationship with you. Good luck!

How do you know your have a younger sibling and that she loves locally

Do you see or speak to your bio dad

Anyone from his side of family

I would prob write a letter. Recorded signed delivery so you know where got it and see what happens

She may know and want to get in touch

She may know and not want to know anything about you

She may not know and not want to know

She may not know and be thrilled to hear from uou

Will be one of the 4

Thanks for the replies. All of them pretty much reflect the range of pros and cons in my head. I’ve been going over them for a few years now and I just can’t put it to bed, and this situation - as I mentioned - has only exacerbated and made it all more prominent. I have no expectations as such. Would it hurt to spend all this time worrying about it, only to reach out and not receive a response or be rejected? Yes, probably, but I think the uncertainty of it all is probably worse. Closure would be a relief of sorts. I think I’d like her to know that the door is always open, no matter how she feels right now.

She popped up on a social network that I use recently and that was so strange. She seems happy and lives a life not dissimilar to my own. I guess it’s easy to think we might get along. Yes, I know, that’s never a given...

Also, for what it’s worth I have no interest in developing a relationship with bio father. None. Not because of terrible trauma, bad feeling or back story, just because I consider him an adult who made a decision and I have my own dad to protect in this. Half sister is different - she didn’t make this call, neither did I. We didn’t choose this situation. On one hand that simplifies the situation in an emotional sense, but on the other it’s a potentially awkward issue.

The responses from people in my position (or other side of the fence) are mixed. Some would welcome it, some absolutely wouldn’t. I wonder how the parent back story influences that, I guess.

I fully understand why the parents who responded mostly said they wouldn’t want it in their own families. I’m sure my parents would say the same. I’m an adult though and so is she, I have to think about this from my own adult perspective, try to consider hers, and try to consider their feelings too. It’s tough.

I don’t want to carry regrets.

@Blondeshavemorefun
How do you know your have a younger sibling and that she loves locally - family friend originally. Mum and him went separate ways when I was v young, but it’s not a huge town. Half sister popped up on local/regional social network recently which was weird but not unexpected. Actually, not the first time either, now I think about it - it happened a few years ago when she was late teens too. A shared interest network.

Do you see or speak to your bio dad - no. Never. No direct contact or involvement in my life since I was very little. About 18 months I think. He left, made noises about shared custody, but ultimately decided not to be part of my life at all. Apparently his parents dictated a lot of that. He was young, as was my mum. That was how it worked back then. I don’t really blame him or anyone else for that. It just was.

Anyone from his side of family - no, but there is one shared connection remaining in wider family friends circle. There used to be more. That’s how my mum originally knew about half-sister and told me, I think.

This was me. I had found out I had a half sister and 2 half brothers. I messaged half sister and she already knew who I was. We aren’t super close but it’s nice to have someone to understand what I went through as a child. Turns out our “dear spermdonor” went on to do the same thing to her as well as me and now has a wife and 2 perfect boys. I’d message her!

Do it. Secrets and lies be damned. What good do they do. Your half sister has a right to know about you, and to choose what to do with that knowledge.
I didn't know I had an older half brother, until he got in touch. My instant reaction was that it is a gift to have another sibling in my life. It is. Not sure we have a huge amount in common, but I'm glad to know him and my life is a bit richer for it.

Thanks @ChinChin. I think her family unit is fairly solid (or that’s how it seems). Things didn’t work out with my mum and him but his life since then seems pretty standard. Her life seems pretty standard. Just as mine was. It’s all very sensible and grown up, I could be so wrong on that but likelihood of additional drama seems low.

That, among many other feelings, seems like a good reason to do it. We can be calm and grown up about it. Hopefully. Argh.

Exactly @sessell. I feel like I’m carrying a burden that isn’t mine. I love my family and I appreciate that taking action would potentially open a fucking huge can of worms but I don’t think she or I deserve to carry all of that. I also think it could be managed and wouldn’t be a terrible thing. She may not welcome it, and if that’s the case so be it. I can finally put it to rest. If she is keen to engage then we’ll figure out a way, like any other family does.

AIBselfish? 😬

Additional question: would you brief/seek permission from family first? I feel like I should but I also don’t want them saying no, then I’m in a position where I might have to do it against their wishes. That’s maybe just adding layers to inevitable upset.

Happened to me. I found out in my teens I had a half sister (and actually the sister I grew up with was also half sister) contact made, we are all close (even the two “halves”) But it might quite easily have gone wrong.

As you know OP it can go either way, but unless you make contact you will never know.

Our daughter has an older half-sibling and she has grown about knowing about the situation but not knowing the child. She, of course, has her Father's and my version of events and it would totally her choice if she decided to follow up with any contact made.

Another family member is adopted. His conception was the result of an affair. During family history work, siblings both full and half were stumbled upon. That family member has since met some on both sides and remains in close contact with one half paternal sibling. They get on amazingly well, and for the sibling, it's filled in a lot of gaps too.

Whatever you decide, you just won't know unless you make initial contact. As long as your half sister is of adult age, then I would say go for it.

Good luck

MyHalfSister No...I wouldn't seek permission from family, for the reasons you mentioned. If I had the same chance as you have now, I would grab it with both hands (while keeping an open mind) and make contact.

If it doesn't work out with your HS then you can deal with it in your own way and in your own time, without any family pressure.

Truly hope it works for you, but remember you have done nothing wrong, if it doesn't.

For what is worth I have tolder half siblings. They were short term flings that happened before my parents married. I grew up in a loving nuclear and extended family with two full siblings.

In my 40s my half siblings approached me and wanted a relationship. I did not even know they existed and felt incredibly angry at them for hurting my parents with the revelations and for ruining our collective memory of our family life.

With distance, I have sympathy for them as they were obviously seeking a familial or sisterly bond and none of my siblings and I were willing to give them that. I already had siblings I loved and grew up with.

I feel like our reaction hurt them all over again as much as their memories of their childhood and our father forming a family that did not include them.

I think the not knowing wouid be harder

So yes I would contact and see what happens

Maybe she is waiting to hear from you

Maybe she doesn’t know about you

Just be very wary. This could backfire. Can you make some cautious enquiries beforehand, eg find out a bit more info about her and her mother. Would this be a massive bombshell for her mother? Might you incur anger from your bio dad for spilling the beans and disrupting his life? It sounds like you fear your mother might also not like you contacting your half sister. Could there be a reason for this that you’re not aware of? If I were you I’d do as much background research as possible before contacting her. Yes you have a lot to gain if you find you have a lot in common especially as she has no other siblings and may be very happy to find you but you could also be bringing a shit storm into your life in terms of anger from your bio dad, your mum, her mum. Do you want to upset the Apple cart for the sake of someone who may then turn out to either not want to have a relationship with you or who might not be as nice as you want her to be. I’m not saying don’t approach her. I’m just saying get as much info about the situation as you can beforehand and proceed with caution - go in with your eyes open about any potential problems you may be stirring up for yourself and others. Good luck.

I would do it, and know 2 people who have both done it very successfully. I wouldn't be too wary, as you don't have to suddenly have them in your pocket if you don't get on.

I think I would chat to a counsellor maybe? Lots are doing virtual sessions, it would be worth just talking through your own hopes and fears and how you would cope with different outcomes.

Despite my previous post on how mine turned out, I really think you should attempt contact. Dont tell anyone, dont seek permission. If it all goes well you can tell people then or ask forgiveness if that's required.
Just be aware that it could all go badly, even if just for a while.
But dont be hurt by a bad reaction, and our immediate reaction isnt necessarily our ongoing reaction.

I'm beginning to think I should have found my half sister at a different point in our lives. Like now when we would have more time for each other or earlier before we got bogged down with real adult life.

My DH has several half-siblings that he has never met and absolutely no desire to contact or meet them whatsoever. He has told me that he would reject overtures from them if they contacted him. My SIL on the other hand is almost frenzied in her desire to track them down.