Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ignore my MIL

32 replies

Bunny93 · 28/04/2020 22:12

In need of some opinions, so please be honest.

A little bit of background - before my children were born me and my MIL had a fairly good relationship. We would go to exercise classes together, have dinner and drinks and I would consider her a friend.

When my first was born she began to ignore me. An example... I would make sure I visited her at least once a week, if not more, and when I arrived she would have a cold cup of tea, a cold cup of coffee, a fizzy drink going flat and a glass of water sitting on the side. She would say 'I dont know what you want so made 1 of everything, take whichever' because she couldnt bare to be away from my child for 60 seconds to offer me a drink. I would then try and have a conversation and she wouldnt answer a single thing I said. She wouldnt even realise I was speaking as she was so busy shoving her face in my daughters. I left on numerous occasions in tears as she made me feel so unwanted.

Along the way she has done many things which have upset me. A couple of example are...
Choosing not to give my daughter her antibiotics, change her nappy or put her down for a nap when I left her in her care for the first time as these were jobs she didnt want to do incase it upset my daughter. Therefore neglecting her basic needs.
My best friend was getting married and my MIL is friends with her MIL so had an invite to the wedding. She got drunk and bitched about me to everyone including the bride (MY friend) and her mother.
We wanted to keep my second childs name a secret but my husband let slip what it was. She then told the entire family his name within 3 hours despite us asking her not to say anything.
She ignored my second child at his christening, didnt say 1 single word to him, not even 'hello' because she was to busy running around my church after my first child playing. She wouldnt allow any other family members talk to her. Every time someone tried she would chase her up the aisles.

My husband spoke to her and told her she has upset me over the months and its damaging my relationship with her. She basically said she has enough to worry about so who cares. 7 weeks later she sent me a 'how are you' message, which I ignored as I felt I was owed an apology for all the things she has done to me and until I got it I am no longer willing to make small talk.

Her response to this was to delete me off facebook.

AIBU to have ignored her? I dont know where to go from here honestly. I'm so angry at the moment. What would you do?

OP posts:
justasking111 · 28/04/2020 22:16

Let her stew in her own juices.

PanamaPattie · 28/04/2020 22:18

Block and ignore. She sounds like far too much hard work. Deleting you from Facebook tells you all you need to know about her. You can't reason with the crazy.

walkingchuckydoll · 28/04/2020 22:19

I think you will be happier not trying to engage with her or please her. Forget about her.

Cabinfever10 · 28/04/2020 22:20

I would go NC and seriously consider stopping her from seeing my DC. Neglecting basic needs would have been the end for me let alone all the rest of her crap.
Does she always play favourites with your DC?

AcrobaticCardigan · 28/04/2020 22:24

I dont know what it is but amongst all the new mums I know, it’s only ever MiLs that act in this weird obsessive way! Never the mums mum. Odd.

dayswithaY · 28/04/2020 22:29

My MIL is like this (but we have never been close). She's obsessed with my children, with quite a frightening intensity and will not speak to anyone as she's too busy smothering them. She took my poor son off to a quiet corner to read him a book - at his own birthday party! One time I turned up at her house to drop my children off and she took them in, didn't say one word to me, just slammed the door shut. I've learned to ignore her and her extreme behaviour. I suggest you do the same thing. Cut the ties, be polite but stand your ground, you don't have to play her game.

Wearywithteens · 28/04/2020 22:37

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

sussexmum · 28/04/2020 23:11

it sounds horrendous behaviour OP but what does your partner think about it, does he want to have a continuing relationship with her? presumably yes as she's still seeing the kids, will that not be weird if going forward everyone is playing happy families when you are feeling and being excluded? maybe there's a middle way via a nice chat (or maybe she's just losing it).

doughnuthole · 28/04/2020 23:39

Did your MIL only have boys and long for a girl? I'm asking because this was the position I was in. My mil had a much much favoured niece, to the point that DH eventually admitted that growing up he felt sidelined when cousin was visiting. Then I was (s)mothered by her for a while, to the point where I was uneasy because it felt like she was competing with my own DM. Then our first DC was a girl and and the first thing she said when she visited us in hospital was "we've got her, we've got our girl". I wish I'd vocalised how that made me feel at the time. I feel like I missed an opportunity to nip a lot of future heartache in the bud. It was constant oneupmanship with DD, the need to buy her all her "firsts", the fact that I had been reduced to a vessel to produce girls, The final straw for me was when I had DS and the clear favouritism was awful. DS was every bit as beautiful and amazing as his big sister yet she'd probably have stepped over him to get to her girl. We had a huge row, I told her to get out of my house and made it clear her behaviour wasn't acceptable, DH backed me up, I think he found it quite empowering that he could stand up for his son in a way he couldn't stand up for himself as a child. We did re-build bridges but it was a slow process with us having to constantly re-iterate what was/wasn't acceptable - "granny has cuddles for DS too", "you can give DD the new toy you've bought her just because when you've got something for DS as well" "yes you're granny's best girl, your DB is her best boy - isn't that right granny?"etc etc. Stick to your guns OP, for your own sake, and your DC's

Original poster
Bunny93 · 29/04/2020 07:55

Thanks for all your opinions!

To answer a few questions...

The reason she was bitching about me at the wedding was because I had told her she wont be able to watch my daughter alone anymore if she isnt going to tend to her basic needs. She can still see her as often but with me or my husband present so we can make sure she has her nappy changed and she has medicine. She told everyone I was being really unfair and that I cant be pleased.

She does actually have a daughter herself so she has 1 of each. Her behaviour and obsession with my little girl is bizarre, she isnt that way with my son.

Up until this point my husband has tried to smooth everything over and ignore it but he has finally said hes had enough and wont be bothering with her anymore.

It makes me feel like shit to know that my husband wont have a relationship with his mum because of all this, it's really difficult to know what to do now.

OP posts:
Looneytune253 · 29/04/2020 09:30

Maybe the text was an opening to you to open a chat and she may have addressed her behaviour there (in the following chat) Tbh it doesn't sound that bad? Not brilliant obvs but not horrific either. She just sounds like an overindulgent grandma and you've took a bit of offence to it? Obv I don't know the full story and she defo owes you an apology for bitching about you but I don't think you gave her the chance.

crispysausagerolls · 29/04/2020 09:39

Her behaviour is outrageous but, equally, it’s a bit silly to complain she is ignoring you, then to ignore when she reaches out to you.

Sensible would have been to respond asking to talk, the two of you. Or even write a message explaining how you feel about the above. Ignoring was childish and unhelpful to the situation. You also missed the opportunity to have your say.

Lalala89 · 29/04/2020 12:47

Ignore her if it is what you think is best for your mental health to not have her in your life but unfortunately you will no longer be able to take the moral high ground as this may be her way of trying to reach out. It's a tricky situation!

Meant this in the nicest possible way!

shinyredbus · 29/04/2020 12:53

I would cut contact or drastically reduce it. Let her come to you. Once a month.

Tableclothing · 29/04/2020 12:59

I'd support your Dh in his decision.

You were absolutely right and reasonable to stop her providing childcare when she refused to see to your child's basic needs.

CHIRIBAYA · 29/04/2020 13:06

I've come across this before several times. My mother-in-law was dotty over my daughter; wanted nothing to do with my son. Also rejected her own son. Also have a friend in exact same situation. She sounds like she has some sort of personality disorder. I hope you realise that nothing you say or do is going to change anything, because it's not about what you're saying or doing but rather her own issues. I'm glad you have a very supportive husband who is going to stand up for you otherwise these sort of family dynamics can cause long-term damage. I would lay money on her being the sort of person who has never apologised to anyone in her life and never will. You can have a go at building bridges if you want to but I suspect it will be her that always dictates the terms and conditions and that these will shift and change on a whim.

Jammydodger1981 · 29/04/2020 13:11

@Looneytune253 - doesn’t sound that bad? She wouldn’t give her gd prescribed medication from a doctor. That’s not overindulgence it’s down right negligence. It’s also nasty to ops ds. Ignoring a baby at their own christening?

Tbh honest op that would have been my breaking point, all the rest afterwards is just the icing on the cake, especially bitching about it. Sounds like you’d both do well with some space to reflect on the situation; she will hopefully realise how out of order that was and you’ll hopefully be more angry on your dc’s behalf and refuse to accept that behaviour in future.

Windyatthebeach · 29/04/2020 13:13

Favouring one of your dc over the other is enough to go nc.
Obviously ignoring you dd's basic needs is disgusting...
So not feel guilty op.
She is fully aware she is in the wrong.

BraveGoldie · 29/04/2020 13:18

Hmmm..... I feel like this could go either way and a lot of the examples of behavior are not specific enough to be sure.

For example, not giving the medicine etc.... did it mean a delay of an insignificant amount of time, was a 'first time nerves' afraid of getting it wrong thing..... or has she consistently and stubbornly refused to do these things, meaning baby is genuinely not well cared for for hours on end?

In the church, I can see her playfully being with your daughter could be a very useful service - keeping your daughter entertained, on a day when her brother was most people's Centre of attention.... and if your son was a baby, I am not sure if it is a big deal not to say hello to him...? From his perspective, he would be oblivious and no doubt already surrounded!

Similarly, her 'bitching about you'.... could really be a vicious badmouthing, or it could be a woman who is feeling hurt, and sharing that with friends, which she has every right to do.

A lot of the other examples just sound like her passionately connecting with her grandchild. OP, what hurts you about that, I think, is you felt genuinely important to her before, and her lens - for now at least- has shifted. I can understand that being hurtful, but it is not outrageous/ crazy....

Also see no reason why your husband should lose his relationship with her? Even if you distance yourself, surely he can still see her - with or without your children? To me, I would only deny a grandparent the chance to be with her grandchildren if they were at risk in some way.... and assuming your husband is with them, that isn't the case..... seems awfully cruel otherwise, just because she has hurt your feelings and isn't doing things the way you want.....

lurker69 · 29/04/2020 13:26

I have 2 children from a previous relationship, 3 with my husband my mil favours one of my children from a previous relationship. It was very bizarre and uncomfortable to see her in corners with her whispering and playing games, when she hardly acknowledged her own grandchildren. we haven't seem her in 2 years, I cant be doing with her general batshittery.

BraveGoldie · 29/04/2020 13:30

Oh and the other thing OP is that you have not gone to her and had a mature conversation with her about these things to try to come to an understanding. You had a real relationship with her - a friendship - so passing messages via your DH won't cut it.

She tried to make a direct approach and you ignored it. So I really don't see justification for going NC with someone you have not actually tried to resolve things with?

Original poster
Bunny93 · 29/04/2020 13:44

Thanks for giving me a different take on things :)

So the medication thing... she gave my daughter the first dose and there were no issues there. She even started to give her the second dose but decided she didnt want to (her own words). So put it to one side and left it. She missed this dose entirely. She has often refused to do things she doesnt want to do, such as wipe her nose, put socks on her feet, give a healthy lunch.

My daughter is used to going to church every week. She sits nicely with a book and rarely makes any noise throughout the service. At the time she was 20 months so still little enough that a box of raisins would keep her quite for 20 minutes while she ate them. She didnt need to run up down my church like a child to keep her entertained. My daughter isnt in a single photo for the christening and neither is she.

I would obviously prefer her to not talk about me at all but I do understand if she wants to confide in a few friends what happened as I know talking about things can help. My issue was that she told MY friend, ON HER WEDDING DAY and also the brides mother. I was a bridesmaid, so this was someone close to me. She has met my friend once.

I am hurt she ignores me, that's definitely true to say but the thing that made me snap was how she treats my son compared to my daughter, it's horrible. And to delete me for not answering one message is ridiculous. I did intentionally ignore her, but to be honest I have forgotten to reply to a bunch of people before. She messaged me in lockdown. My children are now 7 months and 22 months so very difficult to keep entertained all day whilst having no contact with the outside world and I am working part time as a teacher teaching online. My hands are full. It's very easy I could have just been busy and innocently forgot. She deleted me because she hates seeing any pictures of me and the children being happy. It's like she is in competition with me for my own childrens affection and it's so horrible.

OP posts:
Windyatthebeach · 29/04/2020 13:47

My mil never had my mobile number.. Much less stressful!!
Let dh deal with her at all times.

BMW6 · 29/04/2020 13:57

She sounds mentally ill TBH. I'd have nothing to do with her and certainly wouldn't let her have time alone with any of your DC.

TabbyMumz · 29/04/2020 13:58

Does she have to do childcare for you? Think I'd be tempted to stop that if she's not doing the basics, like giving medication. All the other stuff, ignore, unless shes putting your child at risk or doing something you dont like. Remember, you are the Mum, not her. Make sure she knows that. If she doesnt start taking on board what you say, time to phase her out a bit.