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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want to close the curtains at 9pm?

72 replies

Estara · 28/04/2020 21:50

It's been a long standing argument between me and my OH. He won't allow us to have blinds at the windows so when it gets dark I like to close the curtains as I don't like to be watched whilst relaxing in my own home. We live on a busy street and you can make eye contact with people as they walk past.
He's become obsessive about it lately and we've had some pretty bad rows the last few nights resulting in me spending my evenings upstairs. His reasoning is that it's shutting the day out. It's dark at 9pm, I grit my teeth and feel conscious of being on show to the world until I pluck up courage to ask if I can close the curtains. I'm only allowed to close them a little bit as the TV is in the window so I can close them to where the TV is. They had been like that for 30 minutes when I got up to close them properly. I never dreamt that asking to close the curtains at night would be an issue. I've just been called a C**t for disregarding his feelings and ruining his night by closing the curtains fully. I've apologised to him 6 times and he's ranted at me for half an hour about how I'm in the wrong for doing it. He's took himself off for a walk to cool down! I struggle to cope with his logic. Surely closing curtains should never be an issue!?

OP posts:

Thescrewinthetuna · 28/04/2020 23:13

If my husband called me a cunt I’d leave him. No matter the reason. And we are married and have 2 children - you don’t have those ties to him. Honestly I would not accept being called a cunt. You should not either. What a vile man your partner is OP. You don’t deserve to be spoken to like that

BogRollBOGOF · 28/04/2020 23:15

DH and I have different thresholds on use of the natural daylight (I am not a vampire like him!). It's not something to be dealt with with pleading, verbal abuse and grovelling.

He is being abusive. You are having to modify your behaviour beyond your comfort zone to appease him. That is why you are dreaming of independence, because part of you already recognises that this is not a healthy, balanced relationship.

Thescrewinthetuna · 28/04/2020 23:15

When I say you don’t have those ties I mean that leaving could be more straightforward as you’re not married and that could be a blessing ^

browzingss · 28/04/2020 23:26

He sounds vile. You shouldn’t have to ask to close the curtains, how controlling. It’s logical to close the curtains when it’s dark out and they, you know, stop being a light source?

It’s definitely a privacy concern, it’s a ground floor, high footfall street facing window. If your set up means that I could actually make eye contact with people walking past my house, I’d even keep the curtains closed during the day! Why would you want to advertise your TV etc to low lives who can see in?

The only time I kept curtains open at night was when I lived in a high rise London apartment. The view was beautiful, and we were so high up that no one would have been able to see in. That’s not the case here, he isn’t missing out on some stunning view is he?

mrwalkensir · 28/04/2020 23:31

it's not just privacy- it's insulation. If the heating's kicking in and it's getting dark, you pull the curtains

Purpleartichoke · 28/04/2020 23:36

No way would I put up with that.

Windows where people can see in have privacy sheers or films for during the day. As the sun sets, the windows are covered soundly for privacy(except at one house where the back of the house overlooked a wooded valley that would have required a determined stalker with a good telescope to get a glimpse inside)

Nottherealslimshady · 28/04/2020 23:40

Well he's lovely.
Of course you aren't being unreasonable to shut the curtains at night. Would he settle for some of those privacy window stickers? We're getting the so people can't see in during the day.

BeautyAndTheBrat · 28/04/2020 23:40

I don't think my husband notices when I shut the curtains!!

huuskymam · 28/04/2020 23:46

Hes made it quite clear it's not your home if you need his permission to close the curtains. You need to think of your future, will he chuck you out in 10 years and where will it leave you.

Timesdone · 28/04/2020 23:51

8 yrs, he called you a cunt, you're not married, his house. He won't change & you can't manage his behaviour by constantly modifying your own. Time to leave, it will only get worse, not better.

lottiegarbanzo · 28/04/2020 23:55

You haven't actually said what his argument for keeping them open in the dark is. So we can't give an opinion on that, or understand how hos night was 'ruined'. (Other than observing that the behaviour is very odd).

For both privacy and insulation, you need to close them as soon as it starts getting dark, not after it's become dark.

Bu anyway, some bloke called you a cunt. Never have anything more to do with that bloke. Obviously.

MustShowDH · 29/04/2020 00:01

He shouldn't speak to you like that and it does indicate a wider relationship problem for which I have no answers I'm afraid.

On the curtain issue, I'm on the other side of this. As soon as my husband comes home from work (pre-covid lockdown) he likes to close the curtains as he hates that people can look in. I HATE IT! It makes me feel shut in. Most of the time I grumble a little, but don't make an issue of it, but sometimes it upsets me to the point where I go and sit in another room so I can have the curtains open. It's rarely completely dark here as we live by a road so there are streetlights etc.
We're even looking at changing the room around so I can have the curtains open longer without him feeling like he's in a goldfish bowl.

Bertucci · 29/04/2020 00:02

I think the curtains are the least of your worries.

It’s not normal in a relationship to be called a cunt. Set your sights higher than this.

Bertucci · 29/04/2020 00:04

And fwiw, we have no curtains. I hate them. If people want to look in, we care not a jot.

MustShowDH · 29/04/2020 00:05

Following on from above. Weirdly I often. keep the bedroom curtains closed all day.

I'm now paranoid as I obviously have curtain issues.

MadameMeursault · 29/04/2020 00:28

He is very opinionated about certain things that shouldn't be a thing and he makes them into an issue, but it gets twisted so that I'm in the wrong and end up having to apologise.

He’s gaslighting you OP. He’s controlling and emotionally abusive. Please make an escape plan.

sayanara · 29/04/2020 00:29

His behaviour is not acceptable.

ilikemethewayiam · 29/04/2020 00:41

He ranted for half an hour over you wanting the curtains closed! He’s unhinged! I couldn’t live like that.

I hate the curtains open in the evenings for exactly the same reason. I hate being in a goldfish bowl. When my OH moved in with me he used to moan I was shutting out the light but I made it clear I was not going to feel uncomfortable in my own home. I value my privacy. That was one of my non negotiables. He had to accept it or move out.

Coyoacan · 29/04/2020 00:44

People do have different feelings about curtains but his attitude that he is the only one allowed an opinion and calling you a cunt is not acceptable.

PickAChew · 29/04/2020 00:44

He is being a dick.

AcrossthePond55 · 29/04/2020 00:50

You're not married. There are no children. I assume since you mention being able to save that you're either working or have some type of regular income.

What is stopping you from leaving? He's a shit and you deserve better. When you start dreaming of your own place it's time to start making plans to leave.

"It's better to actually be alone than to be wishing you were."

1forAll74 · 29/04/2020 00:53

No,not a good relationship standing at all. Not Allowing you to draw the curtains omg. Controlling things because it's his house !! I do hope you fulfill your dream,of having your own place at some point, as arguing and bad atmospheres in the home about normal things, will bring you down eventually, the man does not sound like your perfect partner.

Seeingadistance · 29/04/2020 00:54

Leave as soon as you can. The curtains are the least of it.

SpilltheTea · 29/04/2020 00:54

You shouldn't have to ask to close the curtains. His behaviour is disgusting and controlling.

Peppafrig · 29/04/2020 00:55

Sounds like he is a controlling twat.

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