To be exhausted by DS 12 reluctance to do schoolwork

[littleblackdress04]

It’s literally draining me of all joy and energy! He has to be asked 20 times to even write a sentence, cries, does everything he can not to do it even with me sitting next to him. It’s an exhausting daily battle and I am so sick of it!
I have a job to do too but I am using all my energy getting him to do the simplest task - I really lost it with him earlier over it as I am mentally exhausted by it. He’s not coping well with lockdown and has been very emotional which I think is also puberty.
I had a meltdown yesterday as I am getting no minute to myself and am just so worn out.

Aibu? It’s so draining having to drag every bit of work out of him- he is resistant to EVERYTHING and I am close to telling him to not bother with any school work & fall behind as I can’t do this anymore

Does he have a tablet/games console/laptop etc you can remove from him as punishment? This is what I’d do with mine if they behaved like this. Education is important.

Yes, no iPad/electronics (including tv) until he has done his schoolwork. The more he delays the longer he’ll sit there until it is done.
We do about 3 hours schoolwork, which is enough. Math, English, science and another subject. Drinks and snacks on table.

My 10 year old is like this. She has autism and adhd and it’s turning into a huge battle. No differentiated work and she’s just had a huge meltdown over bloody apostrophes. I might remove her iPad tomorrow. All of this whilst trying to balance the learning of her 11 year old sister, work and the 7 year old who has complex needs.

Could you lay out a particular time for when he studies?

I think you may be with my son!! Ds 12 is a nightmare, dd just gets on with it but ds I have daily battles with. We have crying, shouting and refusals. To be fair I think he has some underlying anxiety and other issues which are becoming far more obvious now his routine is out of sync. I can only sympathise and say do what you can, I'm withholding Xbox till everything done but some days even that's not enough. Is your ds getting out for fresh air and exercise? That seems to help here as ds is usually very active.

Is he struggling with focus or the actual work?

I have to sit with my 9 year old. He doesn't often throw tantrums luckily, he just powers down. If I leave the room he won't have written a single letter while I'm gone, but he won't have left his desk - he'll be playing a detailed imaginary game with his pencil and ruler or start telling me something he's been thinking about - always long and often surprising and thoughtful but always totally and utterly unrelated to his schoolwork, when I come back in.

I'm ready to virtually thump people who say their primary school children get on and work independently, even though it's completely unreasonable of me. My older ones need bits of help too but the youngest needs fully focussed supervision. He's pretty bright though he has big problems with handwriting and spelling, he just can't seem to focus and get on. His teacher is setting a serious amount of work too.

I guess he can tell you don’t want to teach him or at least that your job has to be your priority.

At 12 he is old enough to understand this.

Let him pick and choose from what’s been sent or better still ask his teachers to call him and show an interest in what he’s doing.

Failing that get them to email him small tasks or worksheets and reply direct to them.

Failing that get him to research something that interests him (anything) and present three new facts to you at tea time each day I a format of his choosing.

Thank teachers profusely if they engage with helping him.

Invite son to sit by you when you work and share drinks and snacks and agree that working from home sucks.

Is he in touch with any friends or relatives. If not get him a channel of communication and help him find out what everyone else is up to.

We are doing Joe Wicks & getting to the park every day so he is getting exercise! I have tried morning routine and afternoon routine and none of it seems to work. He’s just SO negative about it- I am trying to be supportive and loving and understanding but just lost it and told him his attitude was shit - really shouted at him as I can’t take much more of it - I feel so bad 😪

And to be fair, I have sat with him for nearly all his work too and helped him but my work is suffering

Mine is 12 too, we've cut right back to two hours and plenty is getting done, I have to split my time between two so it wasn't fair one sitting waiting all the time. And when speaking to form tutor she said that's fine, not to stress and only do what you can. The maths was really getting us down, but at dinnertime today I had to get up and walk away, I needed a minute to myself. You can't do it if you're not in the mood, it ends up feeling like bullying them into work.
Could you speak to his form teacher for a bit of advice? Ours are all available by email and when she rings she speaks to my son too, might be worth a try for the teacher have a little word.

YANBU. I've just sat with my DS (7) for nearly an hour while he screamed, cried and generally got himself into such a state he gave himself an asthma attack over a few maths questions. He is dyslexic and quite anxious but this is just a nightmare.

I'm trying to work full time and I'm beyond stressed with it.

Yes, no iPad/electronics (including tv) until he has done his schoolwork. The more he delays the longer he’ll sit there until it is done.

I have tried this but it's easier said that done sometimes. I have to work and am doing redundancy consultations and other meetings remotely. I have to rely on screens to keep my DS busy while I'm trying to work.

I've totally given up with mine. I'm working full time and the kids are at home by themselves mostly with no one else to watch them. Dp is working too and weve tried to cross our shifts so they are not a at home for too long by themselves..youngest is 9 and dp is not my kids dad and totally unreasonable to expect him to homeschool as well..he is very dyslexic himself.
However we do things like gardening, exercise and cooking with them and as a result the eldest will do an hour or two. We have no computer or laptop only a smart phone for them and there isnt much support from school over this issue so we have totally relaxed and just concentrating on thier mental health which I think is far more important than school work at the moment

Dd1 is 17 and is finishing up her college work so she motivates herself but gets.unbelievably stressed but the other two it's not the end of the world

I have removed screens until after lunch. I’ve removed certain computer games until the weekend. I’ve also started completing English and maths early in the morning. That has definitely helped me concentrate the brain of my rather lazy son.

I wouldn’t punish him or force him to do work, you say he is struggling with lockdown, mentally this is tough on adults never mind children who now have no routine, no chill, no after school clubs, they can’t see their friends and they have to stay home.

Give him a break and email the teacher explaining the situation. Give him a week off, talk it over next weekend and start again with the school work.

My dd’s Secondary school have been really supportive and say they would rather rather have happier children coming back to school than children who are stressed and haven’t coped due to the pressure she of lockdown.

my DD (also 12) works in fits and starts. Spends a few days doing nothing and then rest of the week working long hours doing her work. I've left her to it tbh. She has a good work ethic mostly, but I let her do the work when she wants. I have told her if she doesn't do her work, she will moved down sets, so that was a good motivator.
I think you just have to let them sink or swim for a bit and let the face the consequences.

@Mia1415 If he's only 7, I wouldn't worry too much as he is so young. My daughter is 13 and completely unmotivated. Through primary school she was great. Now she is taking 7 hours to do what should be 1.5 hours work. Dreading her Gcses

He sounds just like my 13yo DS2!

I was tearing my hair out last week! It was causing a lot of tension and stress in the house.

His school sent out a letter saying that they expect pupils to be studying 4-5 hours a day.

He now studies for 3 hours first thing in the morning and covers all 5 lessons as per his old timetable. We're all a lot happier and he had an email from his Maths teacher telling how impressed he iswith his work.

Education is extremely important but the mental health of a household is more important.

Try to give them some choice. If teachers are setting a selection of things, it's better for the kids to do the parts they prefer then none at all.

So he's Year 7 or Year 8? Secondary school.

How are school setting work and feeding back? So what is his school timetable structure?

I ask kindly from 2 perspectives. I am WFH 4 days per week.

(1) my DC is SEVERELY dyslexic (Year 9). I am leaving my DC to manage with online lessons and then to ask me for help when required. Not working totally perfectly. So I will RE-explain q1 of a maths worksheet but then DC will have to do 2-20 on their own. Anything written (and it will be poor spelling, poor grammar, frankly illegible). I ask DC to submit to teaching staff. The teaching staff need to own the feedback, not you. (I have had lots of behind the scenes conversations on this). We do do some work in the evening but I only have 1 DC to deal with.

My ex-H (DC has 50:50) has taken over and is basically doing DC work for them. I literally have no idea how he is managing to wfh. DC says dad shouts a lot!!

So what does DC enjoy? Perhaps focus on those subjects. (Communicate with school at all times). eg is RE, foreign language, humanities really essential right now.

Definitely outside for them whenever possible. Boys need this. I am not sure about girls.

Make lunch easy. Really easy. I do ready meals - that might not work for other families but perhaps pasta/jacket pots. Get kids to tidy away. I aim for lunch to be less than 30 mins for me.

(2) How have your DS school structured the day? I work at a school (support staff) and the teaching staff are setting some live lessons but some videos, worksheets. etc. We have set up an engagement tracker, so we can see which students are coping and which arent. So please keep communicating with the school. They want and need to know.

Sorry for Very long post, but please keep your sanity. Mine is a large glass of red at 8pm.

I'm trying to cajole work out of about 60 kids this week. Plus the referrals to child protection for those who need.

My 2 are going to think mummy is always frazzled at this rate.

Thank you for being a parent who is trying to do this. Maybe contact the form tutor?

Have you sat down with him - at a different time to when this learning should be happening and when you're both relaxed - and asked him? "It seems like you're not too keen on doing your school work. What's up?" Let him speak, and take your time. Try gently to find out what his real issues with it are.

Then, I'd suggest to him that he comes up with a solution himself to the problem... Maybe if he feels he has more control that might help?

To be honest I had this from my DS without lockdown all through his school life. The end result was he limped through some exams and now works in a minimum wage job and wonders why.

An alternative view;

Just sat with my twelve year old who explained to me why he needed to ask questions a lot as he feels that the teachers are sending power points but it is not the same as the teachers teaching them or being with his class where they discuss the subject

It was really sad to hear because I was trying to understand why he kept asking questions as I have work to do too!!!!

I was getting angry and sad as he was not working hard enough

It is so hard for all of us.

Please listen and be kind.

My twelve year old , as is yours is a good kid, this is difficult for everyone.

I feel ya. 7,9,11 yr olds. It's like pulling teeth. Everything takes hours that should take minutes. Mine have adhd so naturally negative. Its draining

I would echo listen to him

Ds and I just sat and talked about how it would work better for him and have come up with a solution