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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be jealous?

40 replies

SunnyDaysMakeMeFeelBetter · 27/04/2020 13:23

Hi, I've got a problem and I know I'm being a bit soft, but I normally suffer from mental health problems, and they are worse at the moment. Before I'm jumped on as soon as anyone sees the word stepmom, please give the message a read and think how you'd feel if this was you.

DH has a daughter (16), she regularly comes to us around 2 to 3 times a week. Normally they do things together and I'm happy to stay home - if she's over for the weekend I cook a Sunday roast and we all eat together. We're all happy with this as they get their time alone, so do I and when we do spend time together it's all good.

With the restrictions going on her visits have meant us all being together a lot more. Again I'll cook a meal, we'll eat together, but quite often they'll be talking in a room and stop when I walk in. Or she'll whisper something to him if I'm in the same room. She's a normal teen and spends a lot of time in her room, but he'll go up and check on her every hour - she has no special needs, it probably gets on her nerves!

I get very little affection from him, he hardly ever tells me he loves me and never touches, kisses or hugs me. This is the case if DSD is around or not. Last night I was in bed first, and I heard him saying night to her, telling her he loved her, sleep well, etc. He came to bed with me, rolled over and went to sleep without a word.

AIBU to be jealous? We genuinely don't have any step parenting issues, I'm not jealous normally and very happy for them to do their things together. I like to be on my own quite a lot.

Please be gentle, I'm not a nasty stepmother. Thank you.

OP posts:
UnfinishedSymphon · 27/04/2020 13:25

So he comes to bed and says absolutely nothing? Does he think you're asleep?

ducksback · 27/04/2020 13:26

You should not be jealous of your step daughter for her good realationship with her father but pissed off with your husband for ignoring you. The two things are not connected.

Shoxfordian · 27/04/2020 13:26

Your issue isn't your stepdaughter, it's the lack of affection and love in your marriage.

minettechatouette · 27/04/2020 13:28

I think if you want your DH to be more demonstrative in his affection with you, then you should work on that. It has nothing to do with him telling his daughter he loves her or spending time with her, and you should not bring her into it. Perhaps just have an honest discussion outlining what you would like from him?

As for the 'private conversations' I can see this would be annoying, but I would let it go. Normally they would have private discussions on their own, but now you're living on top of each other. If you have a good relationship with her generally, I would just be glad that they have such a nice relationship that she talks to him about private things. I'm sure you have conversations with him that you wouldn't have with her there.

Inconnu · 27/04/2020 13:31

It's lovely they have such a close relationship. I would try to put that to one side and consider your relationship without comparing it to theirs (I know that's harder than it sounds). It's fair enough if you want him to be more loving and demonstrative, but if you talk to him about this, don't mention her at all. Just talk to him about your relationship and how you'd like it to be different.

Original poster
SunnyDaysMakeMeFeelBetter · 27/04/2020 13:31

I do have a good relationship with my step daughter, I hoped that came across in my message. I'm not blaming her, but I am jealous. I know I have a fairly loveless marriage and I have addressed it, but nothing ever changes. He's proved he can be loving, just not to me. I'm human and we all feel jealousy surely? I'd ask you to stand in my shoes before judging me.

OP posts:
Wanderlust21 · 27/04/2020 13:31

Agree with pp. The two things are not connected.

Think about it this way, imagine you have two pets. You dont love one so much that there is no love left over for the other right? Love doesn't work like that.

Do you feel he is deliberately giving you the cold shoulder? If so, it might be time to call this relationship quits. If not, maybe talk with him, tell him you need affection too and he needs to buck up his ideas.

Bluntness100 · 27/04/2020 13:32

I doubt the conversations are about you, more that she is telling him something private and that’s ok.

However the fact he basically doesn’t even say goodnight to you and ignores you is an issue. Unless he thought you were asleep?

Ughmaybenot · 27/04/2020 13:33

Well, you have a shit husband but none of this is anything to do with your stepdaughter. He just doesn’t really care enough to be kind to you, or even show you basic decency in some cases. Sorry.

FinallyHere · 27/04/2020 13:33

I get very little affection from him, he hardly ever tells me he loves me and never touches, kisses or hugs me

Not sure that I see any relevance to your DSS. Has your DH always been so undemonstrative?

Could it be that you accepted it as just how he is until you saw that he could at least talk affectionately to his daughter ? Has he changed towards you ?

Wanderlust21 · 27/04/2020 13:34

You say you have addressed it and things don't change? Then get shot of him. He doesnt give a shit about your feelings and basically, is mean.

He may even be trying to make you feel you are the one with the problem by bring extra affectionate with dd.

Either way, life is too short.

Inconnu · 27/04/2020 13:38

OP, which comment are you responding to when you ask us not to judge you? I don't think any of the posters are judging you?

Dustyroad63 · 27/04/2020 13:48

I can see where you're coming from. The fact that he does actually know how to give love and affection with his daughter.
Then he doesn't bother with you at all.

Very hurtful and you need to have a proper talk about it.
Personally I couldn't live like that. I couldn't live with someone who never touches, kisses or has any feelings for me.

What the point?
I'd leave to be honest.

fuckoffImcounting · 27/04/2020 13:59

He is not treating you well. This withholding of affection is bordering on abuse.

Jupiters · 27/04/2020 14:05

Your issue isn't your stepdaughter, it's the lack of affection and love in your marriage
I agree with this.
You say you've addressed it previously... I'd suggest at this stage there are 2 options

  1. accept it and live with it
  2. make plans to leave He's made it clear he isn't going to change.
SandyY2K · 27/04/2020 14:06

It sounds like he's not so concerned about your feelings.

Has he ever been affectionate with you? Because if not....you shouldn't be surprised. If he was ..what's changed?

If you can get him to understand your love language, it might help. There is a couples quiz which you should both do.

www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/

It's also worth noting, that som people relate differently to kids, than to their partner.

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 27/04/2020 14:09

Its a bit rude of her to whisper in his ear in your presence

summerfruitssquash · 27/04/2020 14:10

OP, the two things are unrelated, but I get completely where you’re coming from.
Sometimes my DH is less affectionate towards me and pines after our daughter. It’s not a loveless or affection less marriage and I feel stupid when I get like it but there is a pang of jealousy there. So in short you’re not alone, however the bigger problem here is your marriage, if you’ve been talking and things still haven’t changed, maybe it would be better to cut your losses and leave.

CoronaMoaner · 27/04/2020 14:11

I’m not sure the withholding of affection is bordering on abuse. That comment touched a nerve with me because I am very affectionate with my children, who are both very small and vulnerable.
I’m not as affectionate with my DH or other adults (family/friends). I don’t express myself in adult relationships with touching and feeling but I will hold my children’s hands or stroke their hair when they sleep.
My DH knows this is who I am. He isn’t being ‘punished’ or ‘abused’.

Ignoring you when he comes to bed is rude.
Stopping a conversation when you enter the room is bad manners, as is whispering.
You say you have spoken about these things and he has agreed to change or try harder but this doesn’t materialise. This is the issue. He’s promising something and not delivering. That’s the part that is not fair.

Feels like it’s time to make some tough choices about what sort of relationship you want going forward. From what you’ve said it sounds like he’s already demonstrated he isn’t going to be the person you want him to be.

CoronaMoaner · 27/04/2020 14:12

@Jupiters summed it up much better then me.

krustykittens · 27/04/2020 14:12

I understand your jealousy but I think it is clouding the issue - your SD is an innocent party and not responsible for her father's behaviour. She is doing nothing to take his love and affection away from you, he is withholding it, which is abusive. You say you have addressed this before but nothing has changed. You need to decide if you can accept a lack of affection from your husband or not and then decide what happens to your marriage. The negative feelings it is causing you to have toward your SD shows that you are not coping with this and other cracks will start to show. But as a separate issue, the whispering thing is just rude!

hellsbellsmelons · 27/04/2020 14:14

I get very little affection from him, he hardly ever tells me he loves me and never touches, kisses or hugs me. This is the case if DSD is around or not
So what is the point of him?
What do you get out of this relationship?
Why are you with him?
I can see no benefit at all from your post.
Just leave and be on your own for a while.
You sound lonely when you are supposed to be in a relationship.
And why oh why don't they make dinner?
They could do it together.
Why do you always cook for them?
I'm assuming this is easy for him.
You do all the 'maid' stuff and he does fuck all.

Shoxfordian · 27/04/2020 14:16

If nothing will change then you need to think about whether you want to stay in a loveless relationship

krustykittens · 27/04/2020 14:16

CoronaMoaner I don't express my affection to my husband the same way I do with my kids but I show him that I love him. Having a cuddle on the sofa, saying goodnight to each other or just saying, "I love you,". The OP sounds like she gets nothing at all from a man who can clearly demonstrate love and affection to other people.

MzHz · 27/04/2020 14:20

Ignoring you when he comes to bed is rude.
Stopping a conversation when you enter the room is bad manners, as is whispering.
You say you have spoken about these things and he has agreed to change or try harder but this doesn’t materialise. This is the issue. He’s promising something and not delivering. That’s the part that is not fair.

This.

Anyone whispering in a persons ear in front of others for no good reason other than to exclude them is rude and badly brought up.

Ditto Those who have conversations that stop whenever you come into the room.