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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be jealous?

40 replies

SunnyDaysMakeMeFeelBetter · 27/04/2020 13:23

Hi, I've got a problem and I know I'm being a bit soft, but I normally suffer from mental health problems, and they are worse at the moment. Before I'm jumped on as soon as anyone sees the word stepmom, please give the message a read and think how you'd feel if this was you.

DH has a daughter (16), she regularly comes to us around 2 to 3 times a week. Normally they do things together and I'm happy to stay home - if she's over for the weekend I cook a Sunday roast and we all eat together. We're all happy with this as they get their time alone, so do I and when we do spend time together it's all good.

With the restrictions going on her visits have meant us all being together a lot more. Again I'll cook a meal, we'll eat together, but quite often they'll be talking in a room and stop when I walk in. Or she'll whisper something to him if I'm in the same room. She's a normal teen and spends a lot of time in her room, but he'll go up and check on her every hour - she has no special needs, it probably gets on her nerves!

I get very little affection from him, he hardly ever tells me he loves me and never touches, kisses or hugs me. This is the case if DSD is around or not. Last night I was in bed first, and I heard him saying night to her, telling her he loved her, sleep well, etc. He came to bed with me, rolled over and went to sleep without a word.

AIBU to be jealous? We genuinely don't have any step parenting issues, I'm not jealous normally and very happy for them to do their things together. I like to be on my own quite a lot.

Please be gentle, I'm not a nasty stepmother. Thank you.

OP posts:

MzHz · 27/04/2020 14:22

But @SunnyDaysMakeMeFeelBetter, you’re not happy and this situation is showing you that you’re worth more than this. Give some serious thought to what you want in life and how you might achieve it. Everyone deserves love.

FuckingFu · 27/04/2020 14:25

I get why you're feeling jealous OP. I agree it's not a DSD issue although I think you know that anyway. The problem is your DH.

Although I will say that stopping talking when you walk in and whispering when you're in the same room is rude.

NailsNeedDoing · 27/04/2020 14:36

I don’t think it’s reasonable to be jealous of his daughter. If he lacks in showing you affection then that’s a completely separate issue to the affection he shows his child. I can’t see a problem with him going upstairs to check on her either.

Whispering while someone else is in the room is rude, and I’d call it out as rude in the moment when it happens. The stopping talking when you come into the room is a tricky one though, it all depends what they’re talking about. If the girl is talking about things to her Dad that she doesn’t want to share with you, I think that’s fair enough and should be respected. She shouldn’t be made to feel like she has to share everything with her Dads wife just because he has one. As you say though, once they can have alone time together again that problem will likely disappear because it’s only a problem while we’re in lockdown.

EngagedAgain · 27/04/2020 14:38

I would say things aren't likely to get any better. I can see why you feel jealous, but it's probably misdirected at her. It seems to me she knows things aren't right, and he's probably told her, rather than her working it out. It's like they are in cahoots about it and talking about you behind your back. Go with your gut, and whatever your situation is if I were you I would move on from this relationship. I don't think you've done anything wrong, so don't think that.

SandyY2K · 27/04/2020 17:59

You say you have spoken about these things and he has agreed to change or try harder but this doesn’t materialise. This is the issue. He’s promising something and not delivering. That’s the part that is not fair.

And that's the part where you end a relationship if it's not working for you and you don't feel the attention or affection you want.

Original poster

SunnyDaysMakeMeFeelBetter · 27/04/2020 18:08

I don't act any differently around DSD, I'm not acutely jealous of her, so that it would affect my relationship with her. I just feel a flat sort of sad feeling that he can show he loves her so easily and I get nothing.

The whispering is rude, but that's gone on from when we first met. He's never addressed it with her. I almost don't notice it anymore. I have felt very excluded in years past, but I now have my ways of coping with it. I wish I'd never met him, he's cruel and can be abusive if he doesn't get his own way. This is nothing to do with DSD I know that.

OP posts:

Corna · 27/04/2020 20:39

This sounds so sad. Don't you want to leave op? There's worse things than loneliness. And in what other ways is he abusive?

Jen4813 · 27/04/2020 22:20

I completely understand why your feeling the way you are. The relevance of DSD is that he is showing her love and checking on her every hour (which yes is over excessive for a 16 year old) and yet doesn’t even say goodnight to you so no wonder you are feeling jealous, most people would! It’s not DSD fault and you have at point said that but I can see if this continues it MIGHT turn into resentment towards her. The whispering is rude and he should speak to her about that but sounds like he isn’t really bothered about making you happy which is sad. How long has he been like this towards you?

Jen4813 · 27/04/2020 22:21

*you have at no point said that

Halo1234 · 27/04/2020 22:27

I think you are right to be hurt and annoyed that he isn't affectionate or attentive. But think the fact that he is a caring dad is neither he nor there. She is rude whispering when u are in the room and going to check on her hourly is ott at 16 but dont think it's related to how he treats u. Lots of people can be a good parent and not a good partner. If u discuss it with him I wouldn't entangle their relationship into the conversation that makes it messy imo. I would just say how u feel about him not talking to you when he comes to bed etc. I dont think you sound like a wicked step mother at all.

CrazyTimesAreOccurring · 27/04/2020 22:33

You sound very balanced with regard to your SD.
So why are you and H still together? What do you get from the relationship?

FinallyHere · 28/04/2020 07:48

I wish I'd never met him,

OP, this is so sad

What is keeping you stuck with him. Do you have your own income ?

Fluffybutter · 28/04/2020 08:16

It didn’t come across in your op that you have a good relationship with your sd, you only said you eat together , that’s it .
Doesn’t sound very positive .
Like others have said though ,it’s your dh’s lack of affection towards you that is the problem , you cannot compare his love for his daughter to his love for you so the jealously is misplaced .
Maybe their private convos are about how she’s worried or scared at the situation and that’s why he checks on her so much etc..

billy1966 · 28/04/2020 08:22

OP,

He's abusive.
Don't be jealous.
He's not worth it.

Make plans for a better future away from him.

whatdoyoudonow · 28/04/2020 08:22

Your issue is with your DP.
He is cold and uncaring.

You are witnessing how he can switch from cold (with you) to warm (with others).

Get rid. He's not treating you kindly.

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