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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nagging 18 yr old to do uni work

39 replies

Busymum45 · 27/04/2020 13:01

My D's just doesn't do any uni work, behind already but has summer to submit apparently. Stressing myself out getting hi to do his work,my mum says stand over him and make sure he does it but I can't do.that!! I'm trying to gently remind and offer help.
Worried if he fails then future messed up and won't get anywhere in life.

OP posts:
LesleysChestnutBob · 27/04/2020 13:04

That's his lookout then isn't it. Id leave him to it

TheThingWithFeathers · 27/04/2020 13:05

It's up to him!

NoKnit · 27/04/2020 13:05

Having to resit one year doesn't mean he'll get nowhere in life. Not having a degree doesn't mean he'll get nowhere in life. It's his choice to enter higher education and do the work so I'd say back off but obviously show him a bit of support. If he isn't doing the work it isn't sparking an interest in him, perhaps he's in the wrong field and hopefully can work that out for himself soon

Original poster
Busymum45 · 27/04/2020 13:06

Family are proud he's gone to uni. Don't want to let them down.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 27/04/2020 13:06

Let him get on with it - or not. You don't have any responsibility for his study programme.

machupicchuperu · 27/04/2020 13:06

First or second year?

Soontobe60 · 27/04/2020 13:06

Yep, he won't learn whilst you're standing over him, he'll just rush it and get annoyed.
Leave him to it, but tell him if he fails the year and has to resit, you're not going to fund him for that year!

Money is always a motivator 🤣🤣

Original poster
Busymum45 · 27/04/2020 13:06

He's not re taking as already decided a year out to work , save and travel. At this rate will.fail this year.

OP posts:
compassunreliable · 27/04/2020 13:07

Have you posted about him before? Foundation year and hadn't turned up to majority of his lectures?

Waveysnail · 27/04/2020 13:08

My mum couldn't have told you what I was doing from A levels onward. She nagged me through my GCSEs which tbf incident very well in. Then she sat me down and said from now on it was for me to organise myself. Well I bummed out my a-levels but taught me valuable lesson. I was lucky I got into a decent uni and got fab degree. She did me a huge favour backing off after GCSE to make my own mistakes

Original poster
Busymum45 · 27/04/2020 13:08

My mum asks me constantly if he's doing the work and to.push him .

OP posts:
compassunreliable · 27/04/2020 13:08

Yes, that was him.

Waveysnail · 27/04/2020 13:08

But then I had the luxury of not paying fees!

PurpleDaisies · 27/04/2020 13:08

Tell your mum to back off.

RatherBeRiding · 27/04/2020 13:09

I'm afraid that an 18 year old Uni student has to sort this out for themselves! HE is often a shock to the system after all the nagging that goes on in school to submit work on time.

The tough answer is - if a student doesn't do the assignments they will fail. And that has to be down to the student - as an adult it's not the parent's job to police Uni work. Offer support and advice by all means but if they are struggling with the work, or just feel Uni isn't for them then they really need to speak to the tutors involved.

Original poster
Busymum45 · 27/04/2020 13:10

Ok I'll start backing off I think. I don't need the stress!

OP posts:
highlycaffeinated · 27/04/2020 13:10

if he's 18 presumably he is in his first year? Not that this is a great excuse but on the vast majority of courses the first year doesn't contribute to your final degree grade. Try not to stress, as long as something gets submitted he's unlikely to fail (i.e. < 40%), and it wont affect what he gets at the end of it all.

candycane222 · 27/04/2020 13:11

Are you sure his work is being assessed this year beyond pass/fail? My 1st year dc is getting v little input (they seem to be focusing on higher years) and only required to submit one piece of work as final pass/fail exercise, and no marks are going forward to the final degree.

Anyway, I certainly wouldn't nag - it must be very hard for him to say motivated without lectures/classes /mates around him etc. I'd ask him how he feels about it and how much help the uni are offering, maybe if he has talked to coursemates recently, and suss out a bit where he is in his head with it, and ask him if/how you can support.

And tell nicely ask your mum to back off! That approach doesn't work with 8 year olds, never mind 18 year olds!

RatherBeRiding · 27/04/2020 13:11

And it's absolutely nothing to do with your mum or your family! How on earth would it be letting them down if he dropped out! I'm sure he isn't at Uni for their benefit.

It does sound like he doesn't want to be there. Was there a lot of pressure on him to go and "make his family proud"?

OnlyJudyCanJudgeMe · 27/04/2020 13:12

That’s his tough luck then. Old enough to go to uni, old enough for the responsibility that goes with it.

Original poster
Busymum45 · 27/04/2020 13:12

Kind of yes but he wanted to ,but doesn't want to go back in September.
Just hoping he'd at least pass this year one 😒

OP posts:
Rodentsinmygarden · 27/04/2020 13:13

Why in God's name are you interfering in this? I worked in higher education for several years. No wonder we had students come to uni barely able to wipe their own arses!

His degree, his look out. Let him get on with it. I wrote my entire dissertation in 3 days and handed it in at 2.56pm (deadline 3pm). Got a first, lived to tell the tale. Leave him be.

GreyGardens88 · 27/04/2020 13:14

He's 18, an adult. You don't really have any right to tell him what to do in regards to his work, he's old enough to make his own mistakes

LockdownMayhem · 27/04/2020 13:15

Are you funding him, or does he have a student loan? If he has a loan, I'd be inclined to back right off and tell him it's his own lookout, but to be aware that he will still have to repay that money whether he passes or not (future salary dependent, obviously) but that you will not be helping him out.

If you are paying towards his fees, I'd probably do as pp suggested and say if he fails this year, he's on his own from next year.

compassunreliable · 27/04/2020 13:15

Given that you already reached the point where it was you contacting his lecturers because he hadnt , he didn't attend lectures, hasn't done assignments, and hadn't already accepted he won't be continuing next year...

Wasn't the last update on your previous thread that you were only going to help him if he was taking responsibility and helping himself?

Weren't you also going to give your mum a reality check?

If he's still not bothering now then he's clearly not bothered and has no chance of catching up on all the work he missed for the first two thirds of the course.

His future isn't messed up. That was explained to you at length before. Stop panicking!