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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nagging 18 yr old to do uni work

39 replies

Busymum45 · 27/04/2020 13:01

My D's just doesn't do any uni work, behind already but has summer to submit apparently. Stressing myself out getting hi to do his work,my mum says stand over him and make sure he does it but I can't do.that!! I'm trying to gently remind and offer help.
Worried if he fails then future messed up and won't get anywhere in life.

OP posts:
compassunreliable · 27/04/2020 13:17

*had already accepted he won't be continuing next year

Original poster
Busymum45 · 27/04/2020 13:18

Thanks, you just worry and want to best future for your kids don't you Confused

OP posts:
candycane222 · 27/04/2020 13:20

I don't think uni will necessarily be that great next academic year, lots of covid restrictions still in place, much more online and isolated working I fear. My DC fears it might be quite miserable, and they are reasonably motivated.

I think if your dc isn't motivated, it might be a waste of his time and everyone's money. If you need to placate your family and he does decide not to continue (for now) you can always tell them Covid means the quality of the teaching was affected and does not want to get a second class service from the uni, would rather go back when they are up and running properly again.

If you dc is motivated however, then as I said above, offer support, not nagging - and protect him from his dgm - he doesn't need to be made to feel bad about not liking something he doesn't like if he has other constructive things to do with his time. If he found an apprenticeship for example, in some sectors at least (STEM type subjects are the only ones I know about), he might earn good money AND get a degree at the same time. Might suit him better.

OchonAgusOchonO · 27/04/2020 13:21

I haven't supervised homework since my kids were about 9 or 10. I'm certainly not supervising uni work. That said, I will help if asked. I've helped with stats and have proofread material for them.

I am financially supporting mine in uni (fees plus accommodation - I'm in Ireland so a different set-up here). They have been told that I will not financially support repeats so they know they need to work. Realistically, it is not up to you to make him do the work. If he doesn't have the initiative to do it himself, maybe the course is not for him.

candycane222 · 27/04/2020 13:22

Or if he dislikes abstract studying then experience is probably the way for him to go, and is no bar to an excellent career, and more to the point, a satisfying and happy life.

Devlesko · 27/04/2020 13:23

YABU, how long are you going to keep this up for. He's a grown man and responsible for his own life now.
Time to cut the apron strings, he has to live his own life, not yours.

madnessitellyou · 27/04/2020 13:23

Agree with everyone - let him get on with it. And tell your mum to back off too.

Ginfordinner · 27/04/2020 13:24

I understand your worry. Unlike many mumsnetters I also understand that not all 18 year olds are mature adults who are capable of making grown up decisions.

However, it sounds like your son isn't suited to higher education just now. He is entitled to 4 years tuition fees, so maybe he should make the best of it for now, then quit and do something else until he is in a better place to study.

1forAll74 · 27/04/2020 13:38

Your son is old enough to make his own decisions now, and it won't do any good putting pressure on him. Your Mum's idea of " standing over him,is an old fashioned phrase, because she will think that anyone in the family who gets into Uni, studies all the time and gets a degree,will be the pride of the family.!

Pinkblueberry · 27/04/2020 13:39

Err he’s a uni student - 18 not 8? Don’t be so ridiculous.

Loftyswops988 · 27/04/2020 14:34

I barely passed first year at that age and then dropped out. I was far too immature for HE and went back to it about 6 years later and excelled. Maybe he's not ready for it, or maybe it's just not for him. Either way though he's 18 and it's up to him, you're no longer supervising primary school homework. If it's what he wants he will do it

Original poster
Busymum45 · 04/10/2020 17:57

Update - passed foundation year thankfully, place at another uni for 2021 but currently on a year out and has got a part time job, fingers crossed works out the right way.
Thanks for the messages at the time x

OP posts:
saoirse31 · 04/10/2020 18:16

Congratulations- sounds like a good result all round

BlueJava · 04/10/2020 18:21

I started back off during GCSE year. They both wanted to game rather than work and it was causing so many arguments. I sat down with them both for a serious conversation and told them that from now on it was up to them, I wasn't going to chase them because I was sick of arguing. They did quite well in GCSEs, A levels last academic year didn't happen but they got results for where they wanted to go to Uni. I feel they have to learn to do it by themselves - and studying is not something you can force someone to do. You can force them to sit there with their books, you can't make it go in. But 18 yo now so definitely time they took responsibility for themselves. Just tell you Mum she is not right - they have to take it on themselves. If they fail the year then they have learnt a lesson and they either need to find the money to resit or do something else - either way they choose.

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