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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling miserable family problems

31 replies

user1477229112 · 27/04/2020 08:41

I’m a working mum family of four been home since mid March. My immediate family my sisters just don’t seem to notice that I exist and I feel like I am entirely invisible to my extended family. I feel like lockdown has made me have time to think and assess the way my family treat me. For example my mum and dad never invite me and my family over for sunday dinner but do so for my sisters and I just feel like we are constantly overlooked( last invite years ago ). There has been a bit of family crisis with one to my sisters who has had a terrible time and has seen my parents for this reason. But my dads birthday they all met up and flouted lock down rules and actually sent me videos- I know I am doing the right thing staying away but it hurts to bad.
It’s hard to find anyone who understands how it feels to be left out of family days out and unimportant and although this happened prior to lock down it’s like I don’t exist. I’m the only person in family with kids and although my mum helps me out my dad has no interest in the and hasn’t attempted to visit and prefers to go to pub and didn’t drink with my sisters partners and really priortises the relationship with them. This also
Makes me so sad. My husband knows I get treated differently but there is little we can do about it.

There is always Facebook birthday tributes to other family members and I’m left out it’s publicly obvious. I just feel as time goes on I’m such a black sheep and no one actually cares.

Looking for any advice of how to deal with feeling invisible or unimportant t family?

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 27/04/2020 08:50

Who is doing the public Facebook birthday thing? Is it everyone or one person in particular? Have you called them out on it?

Handiies · 27/04/2020 08:52

Fuck em, sounds like they're treating you unfairly and you need to distance yourself from them all.

Notverybright · 27/04/2020 08:54

It's crappy op. My family are all close but not too close iyswm, but dp's family leave him out all the time. His cousins see more of his dps and dsis than he does, and they often all go out without inviting him. Whenever he has said anything in the past they just say 'oh we didn't think you'd be interested' or 'you never get in touch with us', even though he's always 1st to initiate contact with his dsis. Now he leaves them too it pretty much and sees his dps on his own.

Original poster
user1477229112 · 27/04/2020 08:54

One of my sisters in particular does this and it has even left out my child and out tributes to her partner niece up. This sounds petty but it really hurts me and basically has no acknowledgement of husbands birthday at all by this sister.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 27/04/2020 08:55

But why do they leave you out? Is there a backstory? Is it because you have dc?

Original poster
user1477229112 · 27/04/2020 08:59

I honestly don’t know why I have gotten left out it’s got worse as years go on, I’m the only one with children at the moment and I don’t think the Suit the lifestyle drinking watching sport that occurs at my parents. My husband isn’t much of drinker either, I’ve also kept my distance on occasions when one of my sisters who is not so nice to me lived with my parents basically she snaps at me for everything I say and I cannot say anything right, I get dirty looks and feel generally uncomfortable.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1477229112 · 27/04/2020 09:03

My parents know what my sister is like and when I’ve tried to address the treatment with my mum she basically ignored my message and didn’t acknowledge it or reply at all which also hurt. If I addressed this with my sister directly she would end up crying and saying I’m causing trouble. My youngest sister has acknowledged there is nothin I can do improve my relationship with her and describes that she has a certain contempt for me

OP posts:
Lailaloo747 · 27/04/2020 09:10

I’m probably the black sheep of my family. I’m very close to my mum but my dad/brother and step sisters/brother rarely message me or reply to my messages. I don’t get invited on their days out either.
I came to the conclusion a while ago that it doesn’t matter anymore. I have my OWN family. My OH and our 3 DC and I’m the centre of that family. My dad and brother have always felt the world revolves around them, so I’ve left them to it.
I’d respond if they message me but I no longer go out of my way to be noticed. I’m noticed by my OH and DC and that’s really all that matters now.

Original poster
user1477229112 · 27/04/2020 09:14

Thanks Lailaloo that really helps I really try my best to cope and manage but as years go by it’s getting so difficult.

OP posts:
Stillfunny · 27/04/2020 09:17

Is there a problem with your DH ? Could they be avoiding him ? And how old are your DCs - maybe they think you wouldn't want them around a lot of drinking. Have they ever given you a reason?
It sounds so mean and unkind . I would be hurt too.

It

arethereanyleftatall · 27/04/2020 09:20

I think it's probably important to get to the bottom of the 'why'? Then you can address that and move forward.

Original poster
user1477229112 · 27/04/2020 09:22

My parents are still working at the moment they aren’t retirement age. My husband isn’t very popular with my family because he isn’t a big drinker and doesn’t tow the line in terms of the usual behaviour. He prefers to be outdoors and active not sitting around.

OP posts:
NoMorePoliticsPlease · 27/04/2020 09:23

This is actually very common in families. Most of us get to an age where our lives revolve around out own families. If there are good relationships with parents and siblings thats great, but it often doesnt happen. Siblings have their own historic relationships with each other, and may marry someone you dont especially warm to. In the 60s and 70s it was very normal to move away from your home town and have less to do with your siblings life. I think the main difference here is social media. You are getting constant reminders of what they are doing, and quite frankly you dont need to know. I know it is so tempting but personally I would either come off Facebook, twitter , Instagram or hide their posts. There may be little you can do to have the relationship you would like, but you really dont need to have your nose rubbed in it

Original poster
user1477229112 · 27/04/2020 09:26

I have tried to address why but no one will discuss it with me, I have always felt different from my sisters. I am eldest and towed the line studied got a good job and have a fairly stable home life, I feel there is some resentment for this and as I don’t tend to cause my parents to much grief unlike my siblings who have had various problems marriage break downs affairs and uni drops out. I feel like they think I have it easy and my parents think I don’t need them much

OP posts:
AJPTaylor · 27/04/2020 09:32

You can't change it. You can change your reaction to it though.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 27/04/2020 09:34

You, like quite a few of us, DH and I included, have committed that great family sin of growing up your own way.

You've stepped outside your family norms and made your own. It's what you're supposed to do but some family dynamics can't accept it.

Your parents are indifferent, you don't live within their sphere any more. One sister finds you offensive, there's a reason for that, but you may never find out what it is. Though your DH and his different focus could well be it.

You are living a different life. They perceive that as a judgement on them. Nothing you can do to change that. Try to explain and you'll be patronising, rude etc. So don't bother.

Look to your DH and your own family unit, the life you have built for yourself. It is where you will live best.

DH and I are you in our families. We are in very low contact with them all. It is far healthier for us and they don't seem to miss us....though we have heard some of the conversations they have tearing us down for not wanting to be with them all the time.

We have chosen to ignore it. You can too!

Notverybright · 27/04/2020 09:37

I think it's probably important to get to the bottom of the 'why'? Then you can address that and move forward.

I don't think this going to happen tbh. People aren't always aware why they are being cruel, and don't like to be confronted with the fact that they are being cruel. As pps have said the best thing to do is get off Facebook or stop their posts appearing to you. Then you can see them/do things with them on your own terms Flowers.

Notverybright · 27/04/2020 09:43

You are living a different life. They perceive that as a judgement on them. Nothing you can do to change that. Try to explain and you'll be patronising, rude etc. So don't bother.

By the sounds of it they are big drinkers and love drama. When you rarely drink and have a stable family life people like that tend think you are judging them even if you aren't.

Original poster
user1477229112 · 27/04/2020 09:43

Thank you for all your responses I am
Not a perfect person by any stretch I am just struggling to understand as I get older why I am excluded so much when nothing much has happened.

OP posts:
Notverybright · 27/04/2020 09:43

Oops meant to say I agree with the poster I quoted. ^^

gamerchick · 27/04/2020 09:53

You can't change it. You can change your reaction to it though

This ^^ stick them on restricted Facebook wise and I follow them (personally I deleted my siblings) and go low contact. They know where you are. You need to stop caring as much for your own peace of mind.

happinessischocolate · 27/04/2020 09:56

You need to unfollow them all in Facebook so you don't see the messages or posts. I was initially going to say speak to your parents but it's seems you have raised the issue before and not really got an answer from them or your siblings.

It sounds like you are just the odd one out, you have children, you and your partner aren't interest in drinking and watching sport so you just have a different lifestyle. Go and see your mum or meet her for coffees etc and just dont worry about the rest of them, concentrate on your immediate family and your friends.

Original poster
user1477229112 · 27/04/2020 09:59

Thank you all for all your wonderful advice and support I feel so emotional at the moment having so much time to think in Lockdown that things are so obvious to me now. X

OP posts:
fivesecondrule · 27/04/2020 09:59

Could there be some jealousy from your siblings (towards you)?

Original poster
user1477229112 · 27/04/2020 10:05

Fivesecondrule there is probably an element of truth to this, I am eldest parents really strict with me. Not so much with them so I do think we were parented differently

OP posts:
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