Feeling miserable family problems

[user1477229112]

I’m a working mum family of four been home since mid March. My immediate family my sisters just don’t seem to notice that I exist and I feel like I am entirely invisible to my extended family. I feel like lockdown has made me have time to think and assess the way my family treat me. For example my mum and dad never invite me and my family over for sunday dinner but do so for my sisters and I just feel like we are constantly overlooked( last invite years ago ). There has been a bit of family crisis with one to my sisters who has had a terrible time and has seen my parents for this reason. But my dads birthday they all met up and flouted lock down rules and actually sent me videos- I know I am doing the right thing staying away but it hurts to bad.
It’s hard to find anyone who understands how it feels to be left out of family days out and unimportant and although this happened prior to lock down it’s like I don’t exist. I’m the only person in family with kids and although my mum helps me out my dad has no interest in the and hasn’t attempted to visit and prefers to go to pub and didn’t drink with my sisters partners and really priortises the relationship with them. This also
Makes me so sad. My husband knows I get treated differently but there is little we can do about it.

There is always Facebook birthday tributes to other family members and I’m left out it’s publicly obvious. I just feel as time goes on I’m such a black sheep and no one actually cares.

Looking for any advice of how to deal with feeling invisible or unimportant t family?

Dear OP, I am sorry that you are experiencing such difficulties with your family of origin; they are obviously causing you a deal of pain. There is rather more happening here though than you might be aware of. If you read your posts back there are lots of clues about how your family operates and relates to each other and the hidden 'rules' that each member must abide by. This 'relating' seems to be largely dominated by a strong current of denial, be it through ignoring messages, drinking, excessive watching of sports and whatever else represents 'towing the line' - there are several strategies in use here to effectively avoid intimacy and this is the real underlying problem in your family. It sounds like you have tried numerous times to have an honest dialogue with family members and each time these attempts are shut down. There is no honesty here and without that you are hobbled; whatever the root problem is here it is not being acknowledged or discussed. There are obvioulsy very rigid roles for each family member. This means there is no room for anyone who challenges these roles because it equates to discomfort and anxiety for the family members who NEED these roles to keep the denial going. Hence the tears, the snapping and the rejection of yourself and your husband. These family members do not want closeness because it is threatening to them. Evertime you attempt to strive for intimacy and honesty with these family members you are going to be met with hostility and resentment because you are not playing the part they have assigned to you and need you to play to maintain their fragile sense of security. All this inhibits genuine feeling and relating. You are invisible because that is an effective way of burying the challenge you represent to them. It is very, very hard to accept that our family relationships are not going to be the supportive, enjoyable realtionships that they might be and sometimes letting go is the only option that preserves our own emotional health. Unfortunately these sort of dysfunctional family dynamics are very difficult to change as it requires the co-operation of each family member. It's possible that one of them might make the necessary changes one day but I wouldn't put your own life on hold, hoping and waiting in the meantime. There is however, much here to be positive about. You talk about your own stable family, your husband, your four children, you own attempts to reach out and your obvious ability to reflect, compromise but above all, be honest. You understand what healthy relating looks like and that bodes very very well for your family and your children. Focus on them and that will help you as you embark on a painful process of accepting what is so sadly lacking in your family of orgin. I hope this brings you a little more understanding. Take care.

The eldest? Would it surprise you to know that both DH and I are also the eldest? It seems to be quite common. We get a very different childhood as we are the ones our parents has no experience for. By the time they relax into their own real lives we have been fully trained to be different.

Some families cope, others don't like that difference.

As others have said, all you can change is your reaction to their behaviour. It gets easier once you give yourself permission to be who you are!

Chriybaya thats really interesting everything you have said and your right there is no intimacy or talking just lots of distractions.

Sounds like they are jealous of the security you have in your immediate family (dh,kids), and resentful that your dh is not a drinker etc (bizarre to me but evidently some people judge on this). I would go low contact. Your values and principles are different to theirs (yours seem better) so you’ll never get a proper answer as to why they are nasty and hurtful so just distance yourself and don’t respond to videos sent if events you’re not invited to. It’s hard as it’s so hurtful and unnecessary but guess what, you can treat your immediate family your way and things will be better for you.

Hi op, I understand your pain. I am the left out one in my extended family and get excluded from all sorts. I was really down about it over Christmas but slowly realised they are not good for me if they treat me that way. I am not neurotypical and struggled as a child, which is where the exclusion started I think. Realising this treatment is not good for me and deciding to stop seeking their acceptance has been really freeing. Dh family are a bunch of happy weirdos who mostly all accept me unconditionally which also helps!
Since deciding to step back I have found myself dreaming about the situation a lot which is interesting.

In addition op, I have felt rejected by them from a young age, including my mum. She and her sisters had a terrible childhood and I recently for the first time saw a picture of my maternal grandfather. I am the spitting image of him in girl form 😊 Something clicked then- you know how you just know sometimes- a large part of the issue for mum and her siblings is how much I must remind them of him. Cousins etc have follows the lead. It’s not personal, it’s them. As the poster above said, it is very likely your families own issues eg with honestly or whatever lies at the center of the issue, rather than you personally 😊