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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to not know what to do.... Estranged parent died this evening.

63 replies

flirtygirl · 26/04/2020 23:26

My dad died a couple of hours ago. He was in a nursing home. 63 years old after a massive stroke which kept him in hospital and then he had another massive stroke that rendered him incapacitated, couldn't swallow and was tube fed. This was 4 years ago.
Anyway, he has died this evening from corona virus.

I have had a crappy non relationship with him for years. He was my world when I was little and I remember being daddy's little princess, he would call me that but then he abandoned me. He would be away for years and forget how old I was then swan back in expecting applause. When I had my daughter, I cut most ties with him but I did talk to him now and again and when he first had the stroke a few years back, I did visit him a couple of times. I let him meet my children and he was happy for that.

So what am I meant to feel. Is it bad for me to grief, am I being hypocritical?

I just feel wierd...

Im not posting for condolences or sympathy, just want to know if anyone else has been in this type of situation, when semi estranged/ estranged from a parent who died.

OP posts:

JingleAndTonic · 26/04/2020 23:29

I haven't been in the situation you're in but you're completely entitled to feel however you want to feel, there is no right or wrong way to grieve and it's not hypocritical to feel sad.

Waitinginthewings · 26/04/2020 23:31

Whatever you feel is ok. And its also ok
and normal to feel different emotions on different days.

june2007 · 26/04/2020 23:33

Confused I expect. You remember the good, but also the bad. But then no one is perfect.Sounds like you made some kind of reconciliation with him which is good. Your entitled to feel how ever you like. And ofcourse you can grief.

apapuchi · 26/04/2020 23:36

He was your dad, for better or worse. You have the right to grieve that relationship and loss, even if you didn't have the relationship you feel you should have (and that wasn't your fault). Sending you love and strength, be kind to yourself, it's a shock and a sad situation.

Ohtherewearethen · 26/04/2020 23:38

There are no rules, let yourself feel what you feel. Nobody can judge or applaud or criticise, you just do what you have to do to get back to some form of normalcy, after however long it takes you. It must be a very strange time for you and I hope you have people in real life who can support you. Best wishes, lovely.

PotholeParadise · 26/04/2020 23:40

It's not hypocritical to grieve more than you would have expected.

You had a difficult relationship, and when you lose someone like that, it doesn't make it magically easier. When you lose someone with whom it was difficult, you don't just lose them, you lose that tiny seed of hope in the back of your mind that one day everything will be fixed between you.

Bereavement dredges up all your memories, both good and bad. If you had stuff you'd just pushed down as part of getting on with adult life, they are now going to pop out now, adding to the general feeling of confusion.

Sparklesocks · 26/04/2020 23:42

There’s no right answer here, you can be sad that he’s died and mourn for the old father you knew as a child, but equally you can still feel anger for him abandoning you. You can be sorry that he’s died - he’s your dad after all, but it doesn’t absolve him either. It must be very confusing, and you are entitled to feel whatever you do

InkogKneeToe · 26/04/2020 23:48

I've been in a very similar situation with my father, right down to the live changing catastrophic health event which made me see him again after many many years of no contact, and then a sudden and unexpected death.

You're perfectly entitled to feel however you feel, you don't have to justify it in any way to anyone, including yourself. It's very early days but you'll grieve for your dad as he was in the past and more recently, the relationship you used to have, and the relationship that you will now never have. Equally, you may not feel much at all, and that's ok too.

Don't try and control it, just go with it. I think in a way it's probably harder than the death of a much loved parent as there's a lot more complicated emotions going on.

Be kind to yourself

EasterBonnet · 26/04/2020 23:49

There's no right or wrong way to feel. It also normal to be confused. My husband had a similar relationship with his father when he died. He was broken, despite rarely seeing him throuhhtout his life. It took him a long time to realise he was grieving for the relationship that he didn't have, the knowing that their relationship would always be how it was with no hope of a great reunion.
Be kind to yourself however you are feeling.

IdblowJonSnow · 26/04/2020 23:50

Sorry for your loss OP.

eaglejulesk · 26/04/2020 23:54

You are allowed to feel however you want to. He was still your Dad, and if you feel sad that's okay - but if you don't feel sad due to the estrangement that's also okay. Everyone's grief is different, there is no right or wrong way. Look after yourself

elfycat · 26/04/2020 23:54

It's fine to grieve however you are.

Maybe some of it might be that now you can never fully reconcile with him and have that relationship you might have wanted in another life. There's an added loss to your normal level of grief, not less of it because you were estranged. I've had friends in similar situations.

I'm sorry for you loss.

DoorbellsSleighbellsSchnitzel · 26/04/2020 23:57

I'm in the same situation with my mother, except she hadn't died yet. She's currently in a home with confirmed cases of Covid so I'm kind of expecting it to happen.

I worry about how I will react when it does happen, (and about how I "should" react). I think about it quite a lot to be honest.

Thelnebriati · 26/04/2020 23:57

You aren't being hypocritical.
Part of the grief is for the loss of the relationship that should have been, and for the fact its now too late for things to be any different.
Its also completely normal to feel some guilt when the relationship was with a difficult person, even when you are not in the wrong.

Glitterpearl · 27/04/2020 00:03

You have every right to grieve, to feel angry, to feel sad, even to feel relieved (though I am not saying you are, just that some people woth estranged parents might be). Any feelings you have right now are valid and OK and you should be kind to yourself and allow yourself time to heal.

I agree there is an added element in this situation rather than it being somehow less than.

I am estranged with both my parents and I hope that when they go I will be able to remind myself that I didn't choose the relationship, and that there are no regrets to be found in putting myself and my kids first when they were alive.

1Wildheartsease · 27/04/2020 00:05

You are not asking for sympathy and condolences but have mine none-the-less. It isn't wrong to grieve this loss and you are not being hypocritical if you do so. There is nothing straightforward here - no wonder you feel sad and confused.

There are moments after someone dies when all your time with them seems to be with you at once.

I guess that you are his adoring little princess and the abandoned daughter and the mother of his grandchild right now- and that all those different lives you had with him are suddenly around you.

It makes sense that you might be sorrowful - and angry - and guilty (not that you deserve to be!) and full of regrets. There are always the 'how things might have been' moments when someone dies.

Be kind to yourself now.This is a sad time.

Remember the parts of those lives you want to hold on to -and share them with your daughter as she grows.

florababy84 · 27/04/2020 00:05

This is such a hard situation. You're allowed to feel whatever you feel, it's not at all hypocritical. Add into all those feelings this horrible time of virus and lockdown and you have a huge confusing mess of emotions that you can't even process properly with others.

Original poster

flirtygirl · 27/04/2020 00:15

Thank you all.

I do judge myself harshly. I feel like Im wrong to feel grief and to feel upset. But thanks for your words as I'm going to let myself process all my feelings.

I was telling myself that I had no right to feel sad but I do.

For all the decades of past hurt, I do have happy memories that are my earliest memories and I have never forgotten them. I will grief for that man, that used to call me his princess and lift me onto his shoulders.

I think it puts it front and forward that my daughters will likely be in this situation some day and for all my abusive ex husbands problems, maybe I should do more to facilitate their relationship but he is very toxic and covertly emotionally abusive to the kids. Now I just feel guilty, for everything.... Its bringing everything home, that's for sure....

Thanks for your replies, I don't feel able to talk to anyone in real life.

OP posts:

julybaby32 · 27/04/2020 00:18

You are allowed to feel what ever you feel. You have what was to grieve, and what could have been to grieve. And it's Ok to feel other things than sad too.

EugenesAxe · 27/04/2020 00:26

Yes entirely what @JingleAndTonic said; you can feel whatever you like. He’s still your Dad! I grieve for people I’ve never met sometimes; it’s a feature of humanity and you can’t judge your private emotions for being right or wrong, they just come.

1Wildheartsease · 27/04/2020 00:29

Sadly, you can't make your exH kinder/better/more supportive/less abusive of your children.

All you can do is help them grow up strong enough to cope with him and their feelings for him.

SnagAndChips · 27/04/2020 00:50

Grief is a weird thing and how you feel is unique to you.

My estranged father died many years after I saw him- we had no relationship at all and I barely thought of him.
I was overseas when he died.and felt a moment of confusion. I decided not to attend his funeral and have never regretted it.
My feelings were- any male can provide a sperm, not everyone can be a parent.

cstaff · 27/04/2020 00:57

There is no right or wrong answer to this. What you feel is how you feel and there is nothing you can do to change your feelings. Sorry for your loss OP
You should probably think about some form of counselling later on if you find that you just can't handle things. And regardless of your own situation this is a particularly shit time to lose a friend or relative. Look after yourself OP

Designerenvy · 27/04/2020 00:58

So sorry to hear you are going through this. I haven't been in your situation but I have NC with my father. We haven't spoken in over 15 years .
I do occasionally wonder, what I would would do and how I would feel if he died .
I can never come up with an answer !
I suppose , we only know how we will feel once we are in a situation.
Whatever you feel is ok. Allow yourself time to grieve . Be kind to yourself .

SliAnCroix · 27/04/2020 00:59

you're bound to feel conflicted. It must be very hard when you don't even feel that what you feel is OK. it is though.

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