Aibu to not know what to do.... Estranged parent died this evening.

[flirtygirl]

My dad died a couple of hours ago. He was in a nursing home. 63 years old after a massive stroke which kept him in hospital and then he had another massive stroke that rendered him incapacitated, couldn't swallow and was tube fed. This was 4 years ago.
Anyway, he has died this evening from corona virus.

I have had a crappy non relationship with him for years. He was my world when I was little and I remember being daddy's little princess, he would call me that but then he abandoned me. He would be away for years and forget how old I was then swan back in expecting applause. When I had my daughter, I cut most ties with him but I did talk to him now and again and when he first had the stroke a few years back, I did visit him a couple of times. I let him meet my children and he was happy for that.

So what am I meant to feel. Is it bad for me to grief, am I being hypocritical?

I just feel wierd...

Im not posting for condolences or sympathy, just want to know if anyone else has been in this type of situation, when semi estranged/ estranged from a parent who died.

I would very much recommend bereavement counselling at some point.

I have a complicated family too. My mum died 15 years ago, I expect the first we’ll here after my dad goes will be some kind of bill!

Be kind to yourself, there is no wrong way to feel.

When my Mum died (with whom I had an awful relationship) it was a totally different grief process than that I had felt when my lovely Dad died. It felt very dark and complex at times but then a strange relief that the relationship was over. It felt harder to navigate than 'normal' grieving.

You'll find your way through it and be ok.

It's ok to grieve. Grieve for the happy memories, the times you missed out on, the man who was your father. Grieve for it all.

Thinking of you

Grief is a bugger. Sometimes you feel it more than you should, sometimes you feel you ought to grieve but cannot.

As you’ve heard, there is no right or wrong and you will feel what you feel.

And don’t feel guilt over what your children may feel some day about their dad. They will thank you for giving them a safe happy loving environment first and foremost.

We can all grieve for what might have been or should have been. But they will be free from living in an abusive home and for that you should be happy.

Be kind to yourself, please. You didn't go and see him or speak to him because you didn't want to. And that's because of the relationship he made with you and how you felt he let you down. That's real...

You can grieve for what was.
You can grieve for what wasn't.
You can grieve for what you wanted and can not come to pass, even though you knew you couldn't. Even with the health issues, that wasn't quite as final as death.

Grief is personal and there are no rights and wrongs.

DM had a difficult, distanced relationship with her mother and it hit her surprisingly hard. She didn't miss out on phonecalls and support like most do, but it dredged up a lot of buried memories and emotions and it is normal to feel very conflicted.

I had the same earlier this year. Mum died of pneumonia in hospital after a long illness. I had not seen her for 3 years.

I felt, and feel, sad sometimes. I felt, and feel, relieved sometimes.

So sorry for your loss and he was your Dad.

I had a difficult relationship with my Mum who died 6 months ago and I shocked myself how bereft I am and how much I miss her, you are not being hypocritical. Be kind to yourself.

Yes, to the pp who mentioned its the loss of the thought of a good relationship one day.
And thank you for reminding me that I am entitled to my feelings. I do tell myself this but honestly after years of subjugating my feelings and being told what to feel, it's hard.

I've been adamant and vocal on this subject and probably on here too as I didn't think I would feel grief. But this thread has helped me to see that I'm grieving for the girl who was called daddy's little Princess and for those last good memories before I was ignored for years and forgotten about. Its awful to know that not only does a parent not come to visit you but that they don't even know how old you are.

I was also subject to csa and even after going into care and through the hellish family court system, he never bothered once. Turning up 6 years later like not a care in the world.

I feel angry at myself for even feeling sad. He let me down too much and he led me into a pattern of behaviour that led me to clinging to an unsuitable man as I thought it was better than my children having no father in their life. It's all linked and I'm sad and angry about everything.

Thank you for letting me vent.
And for your replies and to those who have shared their experiences.

You really have to stop seeing the children you have now as the same as the child you were.

Their father is abusive. He shouldn't be anywhere near the children.

I’m sorry for your loss. My eldest (half) brother was abandoned by his Mum when he was a baby. My Mum adopted him as a toddler, when she married my Dad, and has always been ‘Mum’ to him. He was well into adulthood before he decided to find out a bit more about his birth mother, by which time she had died. He did struggle to come to terms with her death, despite the fact that she had never been part of his life - which is understandable. He did meet her second husband and son, who she had also abandoned - which I think was a comfort to him. It took him a bit of time, but he’s at peace with it now. Despite the nature of their relationship he still needed time to grieve.

My estranged father died a few years ago. Back story similar in may ways to yours.

You are allowed to grieve. For the dad you had when you were his princess, for the one who broke your heart, for the one you wish he'd been. All the versions of your dad belong to you, he's died, you didn't get your resolution where he made it all alright again. It hurts like hell to lose the man and any hope that one day it'll come right.

My experience was one of complicated grief. So many resources for the bereaved weren't a good fit. Which can feel very lonely. I'm not saying it is better, or worse, than other people's grief for a very present parent. But it can be different. There may be people who think that out of sight means out of heart and want to quantify how much grief they think you're entitled to. It can be hard to talk about because back stories that have been glossed over now become harder to keep out of focus when people who know you want to comfort you with tried and tested ways.

Hold tight. Lean on those who understand. Avoid those that don't, cos salt in the wound is not helpful right now. Don't be afraid to get any help you need, including professional. And remember, he's your dad, he died, you are allowed to grieve.

If I could reach through the screen and give you a big hug I would. May you be on this side of the grief sooner rather than later. I found it took a lot of time to get over. But there is not one step of the journey I wish I could take back, as hard as it was. I got to finally, genuinely, forgive my dad, let myself love him, mourn him and find peace with not just his death, but him leaving us behind and letting us down so hard when he was alive.

I am very sorry for your loss.

Complicated relationships can bring very unexpected grief. Especially possibly the small idealistic hope that we sometimes hope that one day things may be sorted out and death brings a finality that they won't.

Grieve in whatever way your body tells you. For the Dad / daughter relationship that you wanted, the one that you had when you were a child. Grieve too that he couldn't be what he maybe wanted to be.

There is no right or wrong with grief if you feel it it's right for you.

Read about the stages of grief and know that eventually you will reach acceptance but maybe a small part of you will always mourn the Dad relationship life tells us we should have.