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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell his parents that I’m pregnant?

77 replies

ReiofHope · 26/04/2020 18:24

Very long story short
My (ex) partner and I have a 17 month old son. Last August I decided my son and I would live separate from his father as our relationship was becoming toxic.
Things were going well until January when I discovered I am pregnant again.
He was less than thrilled and his attitude has me done with our “relationship”. Of course he can still be in the lives of his children.
I’m now 15 weeks and he’s not mentioned anything to his parents.

My question is when is it reasonable for me to be the one to tell his parents that I am having another baby by their son?
His parents are heavily involved with our first and are wonderful grandparents.

OP posts:
tiredybear · 26/04/2020 20:53

Woah, judgy much guys?!

I know this is mumsnet and all, but come on, leave the OP alone....

newsflash - relationships are complicated and hindsight is a wonderful thing.

And, as far as we know, the parents aren't toxic.

Their relationship was BECOMING toxic, so the OP sensibly suggested space to see if they could resolve their issues, whilst still being in a relationship, with all that it entails, just living separately.

Darbs76 · 26/04/2020 20:56

Is it really that hard to interpret this? OP didn’t say they split up but lived apart as it was becoming toxic living together. They’ve only split since he reacted badly at the news of second pregnant. That wasn’t difficult was it?

peperethecat · 26/04/2020 20:56

You can call me unhinged if you like but honestly, reading the OP's posts makes me feel like I did when I came out of hospital after my last D&C and bumped into a 9 months pregnant woman smoking a cigarette.

She hasn't removed her child from a toxic home situation, she has repeatedly invited the toxic situation into her child's home for sex and been careless with contraception, with the result that she will now have two children with the toxic situation rather than one. But sure. She hasn't said anything that indicates that she isn't a great mum. Hmm

Anyway. I'm out. FFS.

user1471429763 · 26/04/2020 21:02

Seems OP has had fairly recent experience of another ‘accidental’ pregnancy with her partner back in 2018

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/a3222428-To-just-want-him-to-grow-up?msg_id=77145766#77145766

Maybe she could draw on this for inspiration as it seems her partner was equally unimpressed back then... Hmm

sonjadog · 26/04/2020 21:02

FFS, what is with the faux mysterious "but how could you possible get pregnant when you aren't in a relationship" bullshit some posters come out with..??

I think you should just tell them now. I don't see why waiting to 20 weeks is necessary.

MummyShark97 · 26/04/2020 21:18

I'm so shocked by the nasty comments on this thread - people, be kind, this should be a safe space, which any of us might need one day!

I'd tell the grandparents for sure, I think setting a time limit for him to tell them, like 20 weeks as others have suggested is a good idea.

NameChange30 · 26/04/2020 21:21

"I'm so shocked by the nasty comments on this thread - people, be kind, this should be a safe space"

Hahahahaha no this is AIBU, people are twats on here all the time

Viviennemary · 26/04/2020 21:24

It does get a bit tedious. Shock horror I found myself pregnant. Confused

MummyShark97 · 26/04/2020 21:29

what a shame! You'd think with all the stories we hear of people affected so tragically by this type of behaviour people would think a little before they type. Nothing useful to say then don't say it type thing...

NameChange30 · 26/04/2020 21:33

You haven't been on mumsnet long have you Grin

(I agree with you it's nasty but unfortunately happens all the time on mumsnet especially AIBU)

MummyShark97 · 26/04/2020 21:38

no I haven't haha! I'll certainly be staying away from this section if it's more of this.

I've found it so supporting and upbuilding until today - back to the pregnancy pages!

Malbecqueen · 26/04/2020 21:45

Wow - how incredibly judgmental people are on here

Relationships are complicated. If you love someone you try to work things out. Many blokes aren't over the moon at the idea of a kid, but then they embrace it (eventually) after the kid arrives People stay with partners hoping that they'll change/ see the light... not wanting to see the truth or being scared to leave isn't the worst crime in the world

People have sex with their partners whilst they're working things out or even after they've split up

Contraception fails.

Having a crap relationship doesn't make you a bad parent

And even if none of the above is true in the situation, none of this is relevant to the OP's question/ request for advice... yet people decide to judge anyway..

What happened to the #bekind movement? Didn't last long, did it?

Touchmybum · 26/04/2020 22:02

OMG you are all so fucking perfect!!!

OP I am sorry your relationship didn't work out. Getting pregnant probably wasn't the cleverest thing you have ever done, but hey, you didn't do it alone, and he has no right to be unimpressed!!!

I think his parents deserve to know. They will be upset when they find out they have been kept in the dark and their support will be important to you. Families come in all shapes and sizes and this means your DC1 will have the gift of a sibling. And while the two of you may not work as a relationship there's no reason you can't co-parent successfully. Good luck x

user1471429763 · 26/04/2020 22:11

It’s not about being perfect but it’s hard not to get exasperated at a person who has twice managed to get pregnant in a short space of time to, by her own definition, a toxic man who reacted badly the first time around.

Dishwashersaurous · 26/04/2020 22:13

It’s not perfect to not have sex with someone that you are having a toxic parenting relationship with- it’s bloody common sense.

SandyY2K · 26/04/2020 22:21

A second accidental pregnancy. Okay.

Dishwashersaurous · 26/04/2020 22:24

Anyone else thinking Lady Bracknell....

RightOnTheEdge · 26/04/2020 22:40

I can't believe posters are saying they don't blame the ex for his reaction!

It takes two people to make a baby! If he didn't want another child then he should have kept it in his pants! She didn't get pregnant all by herself ffs.

This place is unbelievable sometimes 🙄

PerkyPomPoms · 26/04/2020 22:45

You need to up your contraception game. Two accidental pregnancies isn’t an accident

4amWitchingHour · 26/04/2020 22:53

Fucks sake so many people are so rude and focussing on something irrelevant to the OPs question. Where does it say they were just meeting up for sex? The relationship wasn't over, they just decided to live apart while they tried to work things out. That's a sensible and mature thing to do. She's now realised the relationship won't work due to his reaction to the pregnancy. Why are people so incapable of reading? And where the hell is "two accidental pregnancies" coming from? It says that precisely nowhere.

Hope you're doing ok OP, congratulations on your pregnancy, you shouldn't have to defend yourself to arsehats on here for a totally understandable situation.

CalleighDoodle · 26/04/2020 22:56

Im most shocked op that youre a qualified teacher. Was he actually wearing the condom when you got pregnant?

He is a shit weed smoking toxic father. He is not a good option for a long term partner. He creates a toxic environment for your child. Wtf is your focus his parents knowing youre pregnant again.

You need to get a good job and provide a stable home for your children.

Does your child’s father currently pay maintenance and have the child overnight? You need to get all this sorted out now.

user1471429763 · 26/04/2020 23:27

4amWitchingHour the two pregnancies are coming from her posts in 2018 where she was again accidentally pregnant and he was acting terribly as a result...

Original poster
ReiofHope · 27/04/2020 08:45

For those stuck on the first pregnancy happening far quicker than expected and OH bad reaction: yes he did react badly, yes I was very upset by this, we did talk it through and his behaviour had totally turned around before baby was born and he was a good dad. He’s been no where near any weed or anything since.

Yes he pays maintenance but he does not have our son over night. He still wakes to breastfeed and I haven’t been able to express for months.

I did have a job and was providing for my son before the lockdown and the collapse of the company I was working PT for. I didn’t go back to teaching for personal reasons.

Now that I’ve heard the opinion of plenty of people I know what I’ll be doing.

Thanks again.

OP posts:
user1471429763 · 27/04/2020 11:01

Hi OP, thanks for clarifying, it seems an awful lot has happened in two years and has probably blindsided you both understandably. Two pregnancies in two years is a big test regardless of the strength of a relationship but even more so with a toxic partner.

Pleased to hear he is a good dad once he finally acknowledged his responsibilities and hopefully this will be the case again.

He stopped smoking weed but you still describe him as ‘toxic’ so presumably there is a lot for you to work on as a co-parents there. I think addressing that needs to be key before informing the grandparents.

Viviennemary · 27/04/2020 11:23

You need to make a plan for your life. If you don't there might be yet another pregnancy after this. If that's not what you want don't let it happen.

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