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Original poster

To tell his parents that I’m pregnant?

77 replies

ReiofHope · 26/04/2020 18:24

Very long story short
My (ex) partner and I have a 17 month old son. Last August I decided my son and I would live separate from his father as our relationship was becoming toxic.
Things were going well until January when I discovered I am pregnant again.
He was less than thrilled and his attitude has me done with our “relationship”. Of course he can still be in the lives of his children.
I’m now 15 weeks and he’s not mentioned anything to his parents.

My question is when is it reasonable for me to be the one to tell his parents that I am having another baby by their son?
His parents are heavily involved with our first and are wonderful grandparents.

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 26/04/2020 19:49

Last August I decided my son and I would live separate from his father as our relationship was becoming toxic.

but you're still having sex Confused

tbh it sounds like you're grassing up a naughty child that won't do as you wish.. so call me suspicious but as the saying goes.... can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.. Flowers

MissHoskins · 26/04/2020 19:50

All you judgemental posters are assuming that the op consented to sex.
If I were you op I'd wait for the 20 week scan as suggested by pp.

Dishwashersaurous · 26/04/2020 19:53

How are you pregnant if you are living separately and not together?

Original poster
ReiofHope · 26/04/2020 19:54

For those confused, we were living apart while we tried to work on our issues for the sake of our son, we were still in a relationship and trying to make things work. And things were going well. We were using condoms, they can fail. I found out really early (end of January start of February) and had some pain and bleeding so had two early scans. My family and closest friends know and know not to say anything in case it gets back to his family.

I think the idea of giving him until the 20 week scan is a good idea. Mine will be taking place at 20+6 so that gives him almost 6 weeks.

I do have contact with his parents. Before lockdown they often had DS on a Saturday day time with their other grandchildren. We video chat now so they can see him.

Thanks for the advice Smile

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 26/04/2020 19:54

And if it was non consensual then you need to inform the police now

1forsorrow · 26/04/2020 19:56

If you get on well with them and they are wonderful grandparents I'd tell them as soon as you feel like it. If he doesn't like it then that is his problem. Actually it might be a lovely thing to do as some good news is very welcome in these troubled times.

WeAllHaveWings · 26/04/2020 19:58

If doesn't say they split up it says they decided to live separately, assume they continued their toxic relationship.

Dreadful environment to bring another child into. His parents knowing /not knowing is the least of your worries.

OceanOrchid · 26/04/2020 20:00

I agree with the 20 week scan suggestion. Especially if that’s around the time you plan on telling your son.

They sound like lovely grandparents, and it’s great that you continue to facilitate a relationship between them and DS.

bellabasset · 26/04/2020 20:00

If you have a good relationship with them I would be open and tell them. They might be a bit surprised if they thought you and my ds had split that another child was due. However I can't see that preventing them loving the bones of the new baby as well as your ds.

RedskyAtnight · 26/04/2020 20:03

If they see you (albeit via video at the moment) is there not a possibility that they will work it out for themselves? If there is, I'd tell them sooner rather than later.

peperethecat · 26/04/2020 20:03

We were using condoms, they can fail.

That's why it's not a good idea to rely on condoms alone when having sex with someone you don't want to have a baby with, OP.

You found out early and you chose to continue with the pregnancy, so it's pretty much on you from now on. Hopefully his parents will continue to be involved with both their grandchildren and you can at least salvage something good from this.

Marphise · 26/04/2020 20:06

It makes me so furious that careful, responsible, committed couples can suffer from infertility and pregnancy loss whereas people who can't even provide a decent, stable upbringing for the children they've already got just "fall pregnant" and keep having babies.

Bit harsh, no ?

Fertility or infertility has nothing to do with how deserving or undeserving people are. This is like complaining that bad people don't get cancer, it's ridiculous.

It's also completely irrelevant to what the OP is asking.

OP, if you have a relationship with the grandparents then I'd tell them, but give your ex a chance to tell them himself first.

If you didn't have a relationship of your own with the grandparents then I'd say it's not your problem to deal with them, but as they are a part of your life and your kids' lives, it makes sense to tell them.

heartsonacake · 26/04/2020 20:14

So you lived separate lives because he’s toxic, but still had unprotected sex with him?

I don’t blame him for his reaction. How irresponsible.

peperethecat · 26/04/2020 20:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
ReiofHope · 26/04/2020 20:25

I was not planning on becoming pregnant any time soon. For various reasons I’m unable to use hormonal birth control, one of which being breastfeeding. Infertility and pregnancy loss are heartbreaking but as stated above doesn’t have anything to do with this situation.

I happen to have provided a very loving, safe and supportive home for my son even if that did mean separating from his father. I’m not arrogant enough to have pinned any and all problems on my ex and distance seemed the best way to ensure we could both work on our issues without the home environment becoming harmful to our son while we did that. This “accident” has made me see that some issues won’t be resolved and thus the relationship is over. He and I may not work as a couple but that doesn’t make either of us bad parents.

The situation is not ideal obviously but this second child will be as precious to me as my first and like any good mother they will always come first. I’m still trying to work on a positive co parenting relationship with my ex.

OP posts:
peperethecat · 26/04/2020 20:27

OP, telling your ex that he can't live with you but it's still OK for him to come over for sex is not providing a supportive, stable environment for your son. Please start prioritising your children over your sex life.

SirVixofVixHall · 26/04/2020 20:29

Will they not see that you are pregnant OP ? You must be showing now, by twenty weeks you will have a decent bump with a second baby .

Weallhavevalidopinions · 26/04/2020 20:32

Obviously not fully split from the toxic relationship if still having sex... perhaps even more important not to get pregnant (was it planned). I don't blame him being not pleased... you had split albeit having sex - fuck buddies is perhaps not the best way to get pregnant. I am wondering if perhaps you were hoping a baby might 'bring your closer'... yes that old chestnut.

Oh well, on the plus side the grandparents are great. Maybe he is waiting until 20 weeks. Ask him to tell them or explain that you will since it is their future grandchild.

Have a healthy pregnancy and good luck. Yes even though I think you were silly getting pregnant with a sort of ex... I hope it all turns out as best as possible for you

Weallhavevalidopinions · 26/04/2020 20:36

Oh dear, I posted before reading all the posts including the OP's update.

Perhaps OP perhaps stop screwing him after this baby is born to prevent another accident in future if no effective birth control is used.

The accident making you see "that some issues won’t be resolved and thus the relationship is over" makes it sound like you thought his response to your pregnancy would be different and you thought it would bring you back together.....

Alsohuman · 26/04/2020 20:37

God, some people lead messy lives.

Weallhavevalidopinions · 26/04/2020 20:37

This 100%

"peperethecat Sun 26-Apr-20 20:27:18
OP, telling your ex that he can't live with you but it's still OK for him to come over for sex is not providing a supportive, stable environment for your son. Please start prioritising your children over your sex life."

londonrach · 26/04/2020 20:38

Till after 20 week scan as then you know if things going well for baby. im surprised as everyone is that he had sex with your sex again but thats your choice. Sounds like his parents are good grandparents but this extra baby when youve split might be a step too far so be prepared

KC225 · 26/04/2020 20:42

Tell your ex that your parents and your friends know so the need it out there and you have no control over it. Out of respect he needs to tell them because it will be mortifying for them to hear it from a neighbour on the NHS handclap or with metre distance over the fruit and veg in Sainsburys.

If he doesn't tell them - tell them with a 'I didn't want you to find our from anyone else as you've always been such wonderful grandparents to child1 and I hope it won't change things'

Alloftheboys · 26/04/2020 20:42

So now instead of one child getting hurt in the crossfire between his “toxic” parents, there’s going to be two.

Sootyandsweep2019 · 26/04/2020 20:52

OP, I hope you are not letting the rude, judgemental posters get to you. No contraceptive is 100%, and you have said nothing that indicates you are not a great mum, ( removing your child from a toxic home situation actually shows great responsibility).

As for infertility and pregnancy loss , yes it's very sad that happens, but please don't give two thoughts to the absolutely unhinged poster who seems to think you should feel guilty about being pregnant when allegedly more deserving people struggle.

Some absolutely vile people on this thread.

With regards to telling his parents, I would tell them after the twenty week scan.