Was this a big mistake?

[snowycat]

Today I did something I've been thinking about for a while. Basically I decided to send an email to a man I met a few years ago and had a date with. (Met through OLD) We only had one date ( just coffee) and I decided I wasn't physically attracted to him so we didn't see each other again. He wanted to see me again.

Since then he's popped into my mind now and again and I've felt I should have seen him again and not been so quick to make a decision purely on his appearance. He's not bad looking at all and it was just that I didn't feel an instant attraction. I've changed a bit since then and realised that attraction can grow and not be instant!

I subsequently met someone else and was with him for a while before I decided that amongst other things, we weren't really interested in the same things.

The coffee date guy has a really interesting job and was good to talk to. I managed to track down his work email as I googled him and now I'm wondering if he'll think I'm weird and stalkerish!? In the email I just said how about another coffee when corona restrictions are lifted and apologised if he's no longer dating. Now I'm regretting sending it as he might think I'm mad! 😳

I think it's weird particularly if you sent it to his work email. I hope he doesn't meet up with you, what if you decide you were right first time? You'll just be messing him around. I agree the responses would be very different if it was a man doing this.

@BreatheAndFocus I agree

A guy I met on a Facebook app/game maybe 11/12 years ago. We chatted online for a few
months not much but before smart phones and I had limited access to computers. Anyway he went off Facebook.

Fast forward to feb 2010 near Valentine's Day I was nearly 31 and fed up of being single.I'd been messed around and was fed up and just wanted a nice guy. I saw one of his old messages in my inbox he was back on Facebook as his profile had reappeared.

So I messaged him. We started chatting again and swapped numbers this time. We finally met up again in April that year and have been together ever since.

Anyway enough of my waffling basically I'd do it but don't get your hopes up too high a lot can change in time. Maybe look at a social media page if you can find one? It could be seemed as weird but be cautious that he may not live up to what your thinking. I was very lucky.

I hope if you end up meeting in person again, that you ARE attracted to him this time.

Otherwise that would be quite...awkward. Not to mention hurtful. 😬

I'd be a bit freaked out to get an email like this. Especially to my work email. It's done now though. You'll have to see if you get a response!

Not weird that you contacted him particularly. But very weird you googled him, found his work email and sent to that. I wouldn't want that kind of thing on work email. But hopefully he doesn't mind and takes you up on the coffee.

It depends on how it ended - did you give a reason after the first date?

I think all this is messing with our heads a bit, I’ve had a couple of messages from people I met while OLD lately - I’ve been with someone now for 18 months so out of respect to him I haven’t replied but I don’t find it weird, at best I’m flattered and at worst I realise everyone’s feeling a bit desperate atm!

Hope he replies one way or the other OP 🤞🏻

Yeah that's weird. Also quite arrogant.

@TheThingWithFeathers
you beat me to it. Arrogant is exactly what I think it is.
It was coffee a few years ago.
Move on.

Interesting to read different opinions and thank you for the positive stories.

I've had a few emails or random messages from ex boyfriends and people I met once on OLD over the years. A few came from people I'd never actually met. They always came when I was already in a relationship so never went anywhere. I think I was amused and flattered to receive them not angry.

I didn't have any other way of contacting him other than email as we never exchanged numbers.

Thethingwithfeathers I'm interested to hear you say it was arrogant. Why do you feel that?

I certainly don't have high hopes. More curiosity as I have realised that attraction isn't just a physical thing. I find intelligence very attractive and I've become aware that attraction can be a slow burn thing and I know he's a very intelligent person so we shall see if anything comes of it.

He wanted to meet again after we met for coffee but I said I'd rather just meet as friends. He said did I imagine I could feel more for him at some point and I said no I didn't think so. 😳

Poor guy.

Wasnt good enough back then, you tried with other people, now you're lonely and bored and in need of attention and decided to do a bit of internet stalking and contact someone from years ago on his work email.

How intrusive, and, I agree with above, arrogant.

I would be fuming to be contacted on my work email by someone I barely know and decided, years ago, that I wasn't good enough.

I also agree that if this was a guy having done this to a woman the replies would be very different indeed.

Exactly, if this was a guy doing it he would be called a stalker, a creep, you name it. But people on MN love a happy ending and want constant updates so because it’s a woman it’s ok? You haven’t answered what would happen if you decided again that he wasn’t for you? Imagine how great he will feel knowing that you aren't physically attracted him, as if he should just be lucky you are giving him another chance

I don’t know why people are getting so worked up over this. It was a single, breezy e-mail not repeated declarations of love!

Good luck OP, hope it works out well for you (but don’t follow up if he doesn’t reply).

And I wouldn’t see it differently if it came from a man.

I think it's great, and in this day and age its simple to look someone up...good luck!

I'm embarrassed for you op. Did you have a few drinks before you sent it? There is absolutely no way I'd message some I had no interest in after so long. Maybe a few months... but years...
I wonder is this "interesting job" something he makes a lot of money from....
I agree that if this was a man posting he would be called a stalker or someone just looking for a hook up.

Yes he might not be right for me and I might not be right for him. Surely that's a risk we take every time we meet someone, move in together or get married. There's always that risk there. I just want to see if there's potential there if he's interested and I know he might not be.

I've had a lot of challenges to deal with over the last few years and it's changed my perspective. I'm more carpe diem than I used to be.

I'm not afraid of admitting I'm lonely. I'm sure many of us are at this time especially. I was also lonely when I was married to the wrong man!

I also wondered that! Hugsgalore

It’s the fact that it’s to his work email that tips it over into ‘not ok’ territory for me.

If you’d easily found him on social media and sent him a message there that’s one thing, but sending it to a work email is crossing a line IMO.

I suppose some people might go straight to taking offense or others might take it at face value.

If he takes offence....nothing lost there OP.

If he's free and open to it...win win.

Hope it works out for you.
Great when maturity brings wisdom and self awareness 👏👍

Forgot to add....
Hugsgalore no the interesting job is in academia so no financial incentive there! I'm ok financially anyhow. Some people need to give themselves a shake and not have such a negative cynical view on people and life.
And no alcohol had been consumed that day or evening.

Thank you for your lovely replies mildlymiffed and notthetoothfairy.

Just a quick update for anyone who's interested...
I had a reply to my email today. He said he wasn't offended and said there was no need to apologise for contacting him. He remembered us meeting up before and said he's in a relationship now and wished me well.
I'm glad I asked anyhow and relived that he wasn't offended or annoyed!

Onwards and upwards OP.

Remember, we only really regret the things we don't do.👍

I met my now husband online arranged a date but couldn’t make it on the day. Apologised but he thought I’d fobbed him off so never met again. Met someone else a month later and then a year later when I’d broken up with him I sent my husband an email just generally. Rest is history