To expect him to put in a little effort ?!?

[Cestlavie32]

I am French and having been living in the UK with my British husband since 4 years . I am now pregnant with our first baby and I would love our baby to be bilingual . I would love my husband to learn just some basic French (I do not expect him to be fluent) so we can have some family conversation in French and so it will be easier when we see my family in France (currently before the virus we saw my family nearly 4 times a year). My family do not speak great English so communication is difficult

During the lockdown I thought we could take 20 minutes per day for me to learn him some basic French . But he will not even try . Am I being unreasonable to expect him to learn some French or not ?

YANBU. People in dual language relationships should make at least a little effort to learn their partner’s language, and it’s easier now than ever before. I learned some of my husband’s language and while I’ll never be fluent it means a lot to my MIL. It’s also useful because my children speak their dad’s language as well as mine and I feel it’s important to understand what they’re saying!

If your DH doesn’t want you to teach him maybe he could try Duolingo or something online?

Of course you aren’t in the least unreasonable. But unfortunately, significant numbers of British people think being monoglot is the norm, and that learning an extra language other than English is both unnecessary and ludicrously difficult.

This is something you should have addressed before you got married and had children together. I think its unfair to force him to learn a language he doesn't want to, years into a relationship.

Raising your baby bilingually is a true gift, it is a rare skill to be able to speak two languanges at a native level.

But teaching your husband basic French is not going to be useful; the baby needs to learn from a native or at least fluent speaker.

I'm French and my oh has made an effort to learn a bit. We usually brush up just before we go there. Maybe just discuss terms with him first? My oh is gutted his mum didn't teach him her native language so I would emphasise that too. Usually people are too scared to try because they don't want to sound like an idiot. Just slowly build his confidence maybe? Or speak to him in French and don't expect him to reply ?

This problem is easily solved (I've had several friends who dealt with this bilingual issue). You speak French to your child over the next several years. Your partner can speak English. Your child will grasp the difference and will take to both languages easily. You and your partner can speak English together in front of your child but just be sure that you take the opportunity to French to your child as often as you can. Your child will grow up bilingual.

As much as I am very pro languages, your husband does not need to speak French for your baby to grow up bilingual. I know children that have grown up trilingual with both parents speaking a different language to them, and, English at day care.

It will be fine, your child will speak French as long as you speak French to your child.

I do think four years into a marriage is a little late for you to be asking your husband to learn a language to communicate with your parents. He should have done this off his own initiative at the start of your relationship, and if it was so important for you, you should have been having this conversation then.

It will likely come quite naturally. My brother's wife is German, and their dc speak "Mummy words" and "Daddy words". I learn a little German from my nephew, but it is incredible to me how a 2 year old can switch between languages so easily.

My brother has now made the effort to learn some German, as he had to take a test to become a German citizen after Brexit.

You speak French to your child, the dad speaks English. Daddy is bound to pick up cute little French words from the baby. Allow it to flow naturally, and your child will be very lucky to be bilingual.

I feel you. I grew up with 2 native languages and ended up being fluent in 4. My DH (together for 23 years) only speaks English and hasn’t made much effort (and I’m a bad teacher).
Our DD12 does Saturday classes in my native language but with English being spoken at home, she’s not a native speaker despite spending every summer holiday in my country.
So husband learning a bit would beneficial for all.

@blubberball, it’s early days for your niece. Picking the odd word won’t be enough for daddy and with English being spoken at home, very rarely a child becomes good enough to be considered native speaker.
Both your DB and your niece need to keep at it and maybe your niece to join a school. Grammar, spelling, syntax, you need to study those properly.

PS. Don’t listen when they say it’s too late for your DH to learn. That’s rubbish. It’s never too late and it’s never too late to ask them to learn. That’s lazy and lame excuse, you never stop learning and growing.

Tbh a spouse teaching another spouse something is never a good dynamic. If he wants to learn he'll learn himself. Leave him alone.

As others have said, if you speak French to your child and your husband speaks English, your child should manage both languages with ease. A separate problem is that your husband doesn't want to make any effort to learn your language when that's part of your world and he knows it's important to you. I'd be asking him why that is.

Unfortunatley most Brits think "tout le monde parle anglais!!"
Your baby will I'm sure be fine if you speak in French and he in English. To use a famous example, Lily Rose Depp, daughter of Johny Depp and Vanessa Paradis is fluent in both languages.
Im my case my partner and myself are both fluent in 2 languages, one is his native and one is mine, but we plan to use the one parent one language approach anyway because most bilingual kids seem to learn that way.
So I think your child will be fine. But I agree he should learn some to comunicate with your family, even if it just basic conversation.
I would be mortified if I could'speak with my in laws!!

Your baby can be brought up Bilingual
Just by you using french with them all the time. I don’t think forcing him To learn a few basics will help much sorry.

Some people just aren’t interested in / have an ear for languages.

I think you will just give yourself more grief trying to force it or expecting him to do it.

It's a bit arrogant that he's not even tried to learn it but he'll probably pick it up when you speak constant French to your DC!

The situation is now forcing you to see what he has been like for the past 4 years

But the OP knows perfectly well she can speak French to her child, who will learn English from living in the UK as well as from its father. That’s not what she’s asking. She’s saying she would like her DH to understand some French, both so that he can communicate with her family (who have made the effort to learn some English, but don’t speak it well) on visits, and so that he will understand something of what she’s saying to their child at home. It’s hardly rocket science to want to not have to explain the instruction you’ve just given your toddler, and want him to reinforce, every single time because your husband can’t be bothered to learn basic French.

Yes, eventually the child will start to explain what Mummy just said, but being a semi-permanent interpreter for someone who just wont try for long periods is tiring and boring.

I think if was important for your spouse to know your native language you should have married someone else.

2 things: i live abroad and have many friends who are different nationalities. The most successful in terms of raising bilingual children only speak to their children in their native tongue. Aleays. One child has a Czech mother, Portuguese father and speaks english at school and friends so is trilingual at 7.

The other thing is my boyfriend is spanish and has two small children that only speak Spanish. So i am learning spanish at 48 years. 30 mins a day and even if we don't survive corona virus and l8ckdown in different cities, i have learnt a new skill

I would find his lack of interest baffling

YANBU to want your child to grow up bilingual, but YABU to think it means your DH must also be bilingual.

Just speak French to your children a lot and they will be bilingual. He doesn’t have to speak a word of French for you to raise your children bilingual.

Is he arrogantly resisting learning at all, or just you teaching him? Some people men don't like to do something like language learning that makes them feel 'thick' or back in school again.

If he's not entirely stubbornly refusing, I would really recommend Michel Thomas. I had zero knowledge of Spanish (did French in school instead), and learned enough on the four hour flight to Tenerife that I could converse with the bar staff etc. It wasn't perfect but they really appreciated it. My ex had some fun with the Chinese one shortly before a layover there on his way to Australia.

Britain is terrible in their attitudes towards a second language. I think a big part of it is overwhelm. It really does depend on his attitude. If he won't even try then there's nothing you can do.

It’s a bit of a funny situation, isn’t it? I teach MFL and it seems to be the mums who presumably stay at home or do more childcare teach their dc a native language, the dads don’t.

It’s a shame your dh is refusing, but I can understand, mine is totally disinterested in learning or even going there.

I think people are misunderstanding me . I know that my husband learning French will not help our baby be bilingual the plan is that I will speak to the baby in French . However as @Navelwort says I would like my husband to learn some French so he can understand the basics of what I am saying to our baby and to make seeing my family easier.

The quarantine has made this issue worse I believe . Before he always said that if he had the time he would learn some French. However now we have a lot more free time and he is just saying he does not have the effort the learn French . I told him to try Duolingo and other apps but he says he does not want to learn by a robot . I told him we could watch French television shows on Netflix with English subtitles but he says he doesn't want to read subtitles . And he is completely against me teaching him .

The principal problem is not just that he will not learn a bit of French, it is also the fact that he won't even try a little bit

Just point out that he can't be narked when he's left out conversations with his own child.

I'll be bringing my daughter up with two languages. Both DP and I have learnt the local, minority language but I'm the more fluent. I speak that language to her, and she'll be educated in that language, he speaks English, to her, but understands enough that he won't be left out of conversations between the two of us.