To expect him to put in a little effort ?!?

[Cestlavie32]

I am French and having been living in the UK with my British husband since 4 years . I am now pregnant with our first baby and I would love our baby to be bilingual . I would love my husband to learn just some basic French (I do not expect him to be fluent) so we can have some family conversation in French and so it will be easier when we see my family in France (currently before the virus we saw my family nearly 4 times a year). My family do not speak great English so communication is difficult

During the lockdown I thought we could take 20 minutes per day for me to learn him some basic French . But he will not even try . Am I being unreasonable to expect him to learn some French or not ?

My husband is French and our child is bilingual. We are lucky enough to speak both languages at home, and change depending on the situation. I mostly speak English, but if I want to be sure there are no misunderstandings (eg who's collecting DS from school) I'll use French. DH uses mostly French but he'll often speak English if I'm tired or have been speaking French all day already.

Your DH doesn't want to learn French. I would guess it's because he'll feel embarrassed making mistakes in front of you and your family, especially when you've learned English to such a high standard. I find that a lot of native English speakers are like this - afraid to even attempt different languages because "everyone else speaks English" and it's given them a huge fear or being laughed at for not being as competent.

Your DH might pick up some words from you when you speak to the baby, and with luck he might decide to learn properly as he'll want to be part of your conversations with your child. He won't like feeling like you two have your own private conversations.

The important thing for you and your child is that you always use French. The only time I don't use my language with my child is when I need other people around us to understand too, for example when I say 'no sweets before dinner' and I want them to back me up.

However, try to use both languages when your husband is present, say 60:40 French to English. That way you're not excluding him from the conversation, but you'll be giving him more incentive to learn, and maximising French exposure to your child in a country where one language will be dominant.

Bonne courage!

I think it's really sad that he isn't remotely interested in learning YOUR language. How lovely for you sometimes if you could have a conversation in your own language with him, instead of always having to speak his.

Well, his loss.
When you and your little one are chattering away to each other in French, he just won't get to be included.
When you visit back home as a family and your child and you are having animated conversations with your family, he can just sit there moodily.

If that was my husband, if he EVER dared mutter about how it was rude that everyone was speaking French and not including him, I'd kill him!
He has the opportunity to embrace two cultures. Instead, he's just been a stereotypical Brit.

OP, also watch out for him developing issues around your child speaking French. I've known several bilingual families where the British father (and it has ALWAYS been the father) has 'forbidden' the mother's native language being spoken to the child.
Please do not let that happen.

I agree with BobbyBlueCat - it's his loss.

I completely understand what you are trying to do. But maybe it won't sink in until you and the little one are chatting away in French and he is left out half the time. He sounds rather lazy and petulant.

I suppose you will just have to hope that he picks it up later on when he sees what an idiot he is being.

Sorry OP, he sounds v selfish! If he can’t learn a little bit of French because it’s “too much effort”, he’s going to get a bit of a shock at how much effort a baby requires.

My children are bilingual. I speak English whilst their father speaks to them in German. We speak English to each other. My children speak both languages fluently so please don't worry. They key is to be consistent, don't be tempted to just speak English.

As for your husband he should try and make an effort. However you may find that he picks up some words naturally as your child grows. I know that my German has improved so much since my children came along.

TBH, I'd hate to have my partner teach me. It changes the dynamic.

Can you gift him a subscription to Rosetta Stone or similar? It's all your phone so he could do a little tutorial on his commute or in his own time.

He's told you what you wanted to hear over the years and now is making excuses because it's a no. You'll have to accept that. If it was so important to you it should have been put in place before getting pregnant. Try once again to explain how important it is, but if it's still a no, then let it go. Once he is cut out of conversations he might change his mind.

Having said that many people have always said that they'd like to have the time to keep their houses/gardens tidier and now realise that it wasn't time that was the problem.

He sounds rather selfish.

Is he afraid of “failing”?

My husband is Chilean and speaks in Spanish to our 1 year old. I didn't know any Spanish before baby came along, but I have picked up a lot over the last year. Be consistent in speaking French with the baby - your husband can't help but pick it up.

You can't force someone to learn another language, and to be honest, if it was so important to you, you should have discussed it right at beginning of your relationship, not once you were married and had had a baby.

Not everyone is very good with languages so there may be an element of embarrassment as well. I speak several languages (not fluently, but enough to get by) but when we went to Spain, DH struggled with even basic Spanish. It's just not his strong point unfortunately - but he's very good at things I struggle with. It's swings and roundabouts.

He's made it clear he has no interest or desire to learn to French. You just need to leave it now. It doesn't need to become a huge point of tension unless you make it that way. Leave him be.

When you ask him and he says no what reason does he give?
I do think he should try but I think if he was going to do it then he would have at the beginning of your relationship. He might change his mind once the baby is here and you’re talking to the baby in French.

Duo lingo seems the best thing or similar apps. 10 mins a day, & by the time your DC start talking he’ll have an idea of a few words or phrases. He can’t see it being useful now but your DC Will force the issue, hopefully.