I think I may be a racist? **Trigger Warning**

[Complexico]

Trigger warning for mention of child abuse.

Please try and be gentle with me, and I am already grateful if anyone can offer constructive advice on how to fix this. Basically, I am not attracted to two races and the thought of having any sort of close/sexual relationship with these two races absolutely makes me want to vomit, my skin shivers, I have intense physical reactions. Men from both ethnicities were involved in prolonged abuse of me whilst I was a child so there is sort of some rational reason behind it.

However, I hate this part of myself. Is there anything I can do about it?
Is it racism or reasonable?

YABU- Racism, please do something about it.
YANBU - Rational, this is totally understandable.

I’m not attracted to women. This doesn’t mean I hate women.

You need some help to recover. You are not racist you were damaged,
In the same way if you were abused by a man with a beard you will be triggered against men with beard. Association, not racism

That's not racism it's post traumatic stress which is quite understandable. So sorry you went through that. are you able to access any counselling?

Even without the abuse impact, not being physically attracted to certain races is totally normal. Sorry for what you went through OP.

I don't think that's racist at all, so long as you don't treat people of those ethnicities different in day-to-day life, although maybe some treatment for PTSD (or similar) may help you in general?

I'm half-black myself, but was abused by someone black and sometimes find myself wary of black men sometimes, so I can kind of understand to your issue.

Don’t be so hard on yourself. You are feeling a natural reaction to a dreadful painful experience. Life’s path may see you encountering wonderful men from the races you are wary of. There are lots of bad eggs in every ethnicity, culture and race.
Don’t beat yourself up, I hope you find peace after your experiences.💐

I wouldn't think of it in terms of racism or not, but I wonder if you could benefit from some therapy to try to mitigate these thoughts. It sounds very difficult to have intrusive thoughts about sexuality that make you want to vomit etc. I don't think your goal should be to find certain people attractive, but just to get to a place where you're not having these thoughts/reactions. to you

I’m not sexually attracted to Asian men. I am Asian.

However, that aside, due to having such a strong negative reaction do you think you would benefit from some/more professional help? I understand that is very tricky right now, but it may be something to consider when things are a bit more normal.

You formed a negative association which is understandable in the context.

Please don't be too hard on yourself

You don't owe anyone sex or a relationship with you.

Is this something that affects others?
Do you recoil from people when sharing space with them?
Do you make unpleasant comments?

If it isn't harming anyone then it isn't harming anyone.

But maybe you could try and desensitize yourself by eg reading a book by a woman of one of the races you react badly to.
Or some other gentle kind of way of learning about people of these particular races that can create positive associations.

But only if you want to.

Its not your fault but it is essentially racist to be repulsed by a person of one ethnicity just because someone else of that ethnicity did you harm.

However no one is asking you to have a relationship with anyone you don't find attractive.

I do however feel that starting a thread on this subject in AIBU is a total mistake & will lead to racism, deletions, a bunfight etc.

Maybe ask for it to be reposted in Relationships if you really need some advice.

YABU- Racism, please do something about it.
YANBU - Rational, this is totally understandable.

Neither of these. It is an irrational fear, caused by extreme trauma. For you, it would be good to do something about it. But not so you magically want a relationship with someone from that race.

As I like to say my vagina is not subject to the Equality Act. Consent is entirely based on your own choices.

I don’t think it’s racism at all.

Ethnicity is often a pretty big factor in someone’s appearance. You’re repulsed by men that physically resemble your abusers - I think that’s natural.

Are you repulsed by women or children of the same races op?

That’s not racism, it’s trauma.

I don't think its racism as your reaction is not based on logic & stems from the trauma, plus I'm assuming its simply thought of sexual relationship that's issue and simply avoiding this rather than behaving in racist manner towards these specific races in general.

Its not your fault but it is essentially racist to be repulsed by a person of one ethnicity just because someone else of that ethnicity did you harm.

Nonsense. It’s the appearance of the person, rather than their race that’s causing the OP’s reaction. I was abused throughout my childhood and recoil if I meet a man of a similar appearance. Does that make me a man hater, because the thought of being with a man of that appearance makes me feel ill?

Many people are not attracted to people of certain races, hair colour, height, sex, because of preferences. That doesn’t make them racist or bigoted.

That makes much sense as calling a lesbian a bigot because she isn’t attracted to a male bodied person who identifies as a trans lesbian.

I said YABU not because I think you should be attracted to everyone equally, but because I think you should do something about it in this case. Obviously you know it’s not fair to consider every person who shares an ethnicity with your abuser as “bad”, but it’s possible it may seep into other areas of your life as well as dating. Eg if someone of that race came to work next to you, would you be less friendly? On those grounds (and for your own happiness) it sounds like you need to untangle these feelings so they’re about the bastard individuals who hurt you, and not the millions/billions of people who share a background.

As I like to say my vagina is not subject to the Equality Act. that’s brilliant.😁

(And to be clear, I don’t think it’s racist to not generally fancy people Of a particular race and it doesn’t matter if you never do. To me It’s life away from dating that matters in this case. Also, I’m so sorry for what happened to you.)

I’ve never been abused yet I am not attracted to black men. I just don’t find them remotely attractive. I doesn’t make me a racist.
Jesus, why are you beating yourself up about not being attracted to a group of people? It is totally normal. Don’t let anyone tell you what to feel.

Abuse aside, I don't think not being sexually attracted to certain races is nothing unusual. It's a preference. Some people prefer those who are tall, or slim, or whatever. It may seem unfair to someone who does not fit in those criteria, but that's life. The visual factor plays a big part for a lot of people, whether they want to admit it or not. My friend for example is turned off by a particular accent in people. She does not mind having friends from the region where the accent is prevalent, but she told me she finds it very hard to feel emotional/sexual attraction to someone with a strong accent from that region.

I do agree with PPs who said that the abuse is another issue and this is something you may want to resolve for yourself through therapy or or other means.

You are not racist.
Even if you hadn't had the terrible experiences you have suffered, you can choose sexual partners based on any criteria you like! Nobody is under any obligation to have an equal opportunities policy regarding access to their genitals.

I think its normal not to be attracted to a certain race especially if you've had a negative experience but you should try if you can to not generalise your experiences to a whole race of people. I was sexually assaulted by someone from a different race and I am now in a long term relationship with someone of that race.

Agree it isn’t racism, in your case, it is trauma.
Also we all have things we find attractive or not. It is personal preference. My friend’s husband has only ever dated redheads. He finds pale skin and red hair very beautiful, that doesn’t mean he is a racist, he doesn’t dislike dark skinned people, he is just attracted to red-haired women.

So sorry this happened to you OP 😔 fucking arse holes. I hope they were punished.

Of course it’s not racist, it’s an instinct/reaction to protect yourself based on past experiences.

I’m sure you know not everyone of these races will be bad people, logically. I think you should seek some help but only for yourself to try & heal.

Take care x

It is racism if you association all people from that race with what happened to you, rather than two people who hurt you who could have come from any race.